Well I’m an idiot updated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I’m struggling and I should know better by now.  An update on my sordid tale is that I took time off and went travelling for three weeks.  My BPDex or whatever kept contacting me saying that he missed me but knew that he wasn’t good enough for me and that he couldn’t beat alcohol.  I told him that I didn’t want to put pressure on him and force him into something he wasn’t ready for but the idea of loosing him was painful.  He went back and forth from desperate to get me back and sure that he was doing the right thing by leaving.  During these three weeks he was away he was in hospital for suicidal ideation and alcohol withdrawals.  Alcohol turns him into a monster basically and I told him that he had to choose between me and it.  He aid that he hated and needed it but also needed me.  We talked a lot and then he went to detox and got sober.  I miss him dearly.  When I got back from overseas he called me to say that he had been beaten up and was terrified.  He asked to come by as he was scared.  I let him and we went through the crying, I love you more than anything process and we worked towards working out counselling, therapies and supports in place and I let him stay.  We had a wonderful time for a week.   Now he has just texted saying that he is drunk and can’t handle life to be a good person.  It’s Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and this is horrible.  I’m an idiot.  I can’t believe I keep getting hurt and I can’t believe I keep hoping but yet I still do.   I can’t let go of who he is without the alcohol.   I’m just not good.  I know I’m an idiot and everyone will tell me I’m an idiot.  I guess I don’t know how to change either when the idea of believing that one day it will all magically go away is so real in my head.   

[Pipedreamer25]

So I’m struggling and I should know better by now.  An update on my sordid tale is that I took time off and went travelling for three weeks.  My BPDex or whatever kept contacting me saying that he missed me but knew that he wasn’t good enough for me and that he couldn’t beat alcohol.  I told him that I didn’t want to put pressure on him and force him into something he wasn’t ready for but the idea of loosing him was painful.  He went back and forth from desperate to get me back and sure that he was doing the right thing by leaving.  During these three weeks he was away he was in hospital for suicidal ideation and alcohol withdrawals.  Alcohol turns him into a monster basically and I told him that he had to choose between me and it.  He aid that he hated and needed it but also needed me.  We talked a lot and then he went to detox and got sober.  I miss him dearly.  When I got back from overseas he called me to say that he had been beaten up and was terrified.  He asked to come by as he was scared.  I let him and we went through the crying, I love you more than anything process and we worked towards working out counselling, therapies and supports in place and I let him stay.  We had a wonderful time for a week.   Now he has just texted saying that he is drunk and can’t handle life to be a good person.  It’s Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and this is horrible.  I’m an idiot.  I can’t believe I keep getting hurt and I can’t believe I keep hoping but yet I still do.   I can’t let go of who he is without the alcohol.   I’m just not good.  I know I’m an idiot and everyone will tell me I’m an idiot.  I guess I don’t know how to change either when the idea of believing that one day it will all magically go away is so real in my head.   

[drained1996]

Pipedreamer25,

You are not an idiot... .and you are not alone in your recycles.  I cannot even begin to count mine.  You are self aware now... .that's easy to see.  Are you happy with where you are? 
If yes, then ok.
If no, you know the only person in charge of changing that. 

Hard?... .damn hardest thing I've ever done in my life... .learn to put ME first... .and my process began in earnest... .

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks drained.  The thing is I'm not sure that I am self aware.  The whole thing is so confusing.  I just wish he would consistently be one person then it would be so much easier.  I do believe that the alcohol distorts him and he doesn't actually want to be that person but that's who he is.  I'm just in so much pain because I do love and care for him and probably just want to cling to hope.  I'm
Not suicidal this time round which is a big improvement.  Booked in with a therapist so hopefully that will help. 

[Larmoyant]

I'm just in so much pain because I do love and care for him and probably just want to cling to hope.

Hi Pipedreamer, it's totally understandable that you cling to hope. I believe most of us did. I still find myself going there sometimes and it's painful. I'm glad you have an appointment with a therapist it will help you sort through all the feelings. You're not an idiot, far from it. You're someone who cares for another very much, but please don't go down with the ship. As FHTH says take care of you!

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey Pipedreamer.

I know, i have been there too... .lot's of times... .

It's ultimately a fight between you and yourself.

You fight to defend the good you recognize in a person and the hopes you have in them, the ideal.

And the only way you really can cling onto that is by acting like the dark and self-destructive end of the person aren't an issue... .or that this time will be different.

That the ideal will stay. That the fairytale will return... .even for a breef moment.

And when you get bombarded with I miss you's and i love you's, you kind of identify with your own feelings.

You miss them and love them, you feel understood, and think they understand you... .

That's why you end up believing it may go different this time.

Unfortunately... .They can't handle the love we try and give them... .

[Pipedreamer25]

Thanks WF and Lar you are both wise.  I am struggling with the BPD coupled with addiction both make him incredibly vulnerable.  He has run away from home and will sleep on the streets whilst he drinks.  He really has burnt all of his bridges now.  I'm lost as to what to do he will die this way if something doesn't change.  I've had lots of discussions with one of his workers who advised that I'm enabling him if I let him just come back after everytime he drinks so I'm trying to be strong for both or sakes but I am worried about him.   It's hard to priotize yourself when someone else's problems are so big.  I'm worried sick and this is awful.   

[drained1996]

Pipedreamer25,

So glad to see you have an appointment with a T... .very good idea.

It's hard to prioritize yourself when someone else's problems are so big.

Yet you did prioritize yourself when you set the boundary of you or the booze.  Good for you, a step in looking out after YOU.  Now what are you going to do with those boundaries you set?

I am struggling with the BPD coupled with addiction both make him incredibly vulnerable.

That's about the most empathetic way anyone could look at his situation... .and that's ok, sometimes that's who we are and why we are where we are... .we're overly empathetic.  Something to look into for you possibly, what makes you that way?

Some might see that he is an alcoholic, and that he suffers from a severe mental illness.  Some might say... .he's sick, and I can't fix him... .only he can. 

And yes, you have some self awareness, you've set a boundary about the drinking, and you've made an appointment with a T. 

We're here for you! 

[patientandclear]

I've been there (not with the BPD man I post about here, but with an alcoholic exH). I understand how very hard it is to say no, I meant what I said, I will only do this if you're not drinking.

I also know that in the end it would have been so much more useful to my H had I done so. You matter to your partner--look what he already tried, mostly out of love for you! He did stop. For a little bit, but he did. You have value and it moves him to try. So it probably is true that the best way you can help him, ultimately, deeply, is to maintain that line.

It may never result in him stopping. It may. That one as you know is for him to decide. But it's things like the loss of your r/ship that lead people to walk into AA or find some other resource because it is worth it to do the very hard thing of trying for sobriety.

I join the others in saying you are not an idiot. You set a crucial boundary which I know was tough to do. The most important thing about boundaries is not to give them up when they are being tested, as yours is here. He knows clearly what the consequences are supposed to be now. If you give on this boundary now, he may feel a moment of relief and it will be convenient for him, but possibly also he will feel deeper insecurity. Your hard line is probably important to him at some level. And if you shift it now, it will be very hard for him or you to ever believe there is a line in the future.

Truly, this is an instance of the right decision is not the easiest decision, but it is not in his interest for you to give way on this, even setting aside your self-interest. He knows you love him and it will not shake his belief in that if you enforce this boundary.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you so much for your responses patientandclear and drained they are really helping.  I am trying to stay strong.  He came back to the apartment last night and slept on the couch.  It was about 12 at night and I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with him.  I heard him leave again around 10am this morning all of his things are still here.   I do not have the energy for a confrontation right now but will look into changing the locks so it doesn't happen again.

I do see myself as a compassionate person and in other situations I am able to put up boundaries to protect myself.  I had a 'good friend' betray me awhile back and I was able to stand up for myself.   With him it's just different I can see how all the trauma has impacted him and why he behaves the way he does.  I don't want to excuse it but I can understand it.  It is very confusing for me feeling this way.  He really does present as two different people one with alcohol one without.  I told him I don't like the person that he is on alcohol.  He says that he doesn't either but he needs to feel numb.  I told him that until he works on the reason why he needs to drink he will always want to drink and no amount of detoxing or strategies will work.

I am trying to plan things for myself but I know it's far from over.  I feel like I don't have the emotional strength to do anything but lie in bed.  Thank you for letting me rant.  My god what would I do without this site.

[lovenature]

I’m just not good.  I know I’m an idiot and everyone will tell me I’m an idiot.

If you weren't good, why would you be spending your time here trying to better things for yourself?

You're not an idiot, you are human, struggling with the same heart/head battles that we are so familiar with. Take it one day at a time and keep trying.

[drained1996]

It was about 12 at night and I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with him.

A good sign of recognizing circumstances and making the best choice to take care of YOU!  Good job!

I do not have the energy for a confrontation right now but will look into changing the locks so it doesn't happen again.

Again, great awareness to know what you need to do in order to look after YOU!  How about let's set a goal, and get the locks changed in the next few days?

I told him that until he works on the reason why he needs to drink he will always want to drink and no amount of detoxing or strategies will work

Another point of your awareness, and your statement is totally correct.  Even if he does take care of his drinking issue, he still has the illness to face... .a task it seems most BPD's simply cannot or will not take head on. 

Take your situation one moment at a time... .we're here anytime!   

[Pipedreamer25]

 I can’t really think right now.  Getting so many messages about how much he loved me and missed me but wasn’t strong enough to be sober.   Said he had no where to go last night.  I said that I wasn’t comfortable with his drinking.  He said that he needed to collect belongings and charge the phone and that’d he keep the wine out of the house.   I agreed – I’m not even sure why part hope, part fear, part missing him.  I’m not doing very well at this.    I can’t excuse my actions.   I clearly need help.

He was fine for a little while told me he was sorry he couldn’t be sober and that he honestly wanted to die.  Said that he couldn’t see himself living past the end of the year.  Said that he keeps being beaten up on the streets.   He had bruises all over him.   I stayed with him on the couch and we watched movies.    When I told him I needed to get to sleep for work he got really upset.  Said that I was abandoning him and didn’t care about him.  The switch just totally flipped.  He raged at me and I cried and said that he couldn’t talk to me like this anymore.  He said that I always controlled him with my rules ie ‘don’t have emotional/ serious conversations when you’re drunk’ ‘don’t cheat on me’,  you know totally unreasonable rules.   He got really nasty said that I was like his abusive mother that I never recognize that I was wrong.  Rage, rage, rage.  I told him to leave me alone. I filmed myself crying after it happened to remember how it feels.

I somehow got some sleep.   Woke up the next morning and he said nothing.  I told him I needed my key back and if he needed to get stuff he could make a time with me and another friend. He told me that I had shouted and screamed at him last night and I was remembering everything wrong.  Started yelling at me.  Told me that he felt rejected because I wouldn’t sleep with him.   I told him I this was unreasonable and he had promised to treat me respectfully and he hadn’t.  He said that I was abusive and controlling with my rules.   He said that I was the one screaming at him.  He said that I made him feel like ___.     In his head it’s all my fault.   When all I actually said was I needed to sleep and I didn’t want to have an emotional conversation whilst you’ve been drinking.  He said that he loved me so much and I couldn’t see it.   It’s messed up.

I got my key off him.  He can’t come back now.  He sent me messages apologizing “I’m sorry your life will get better without me.  I’ll always miss you.  See me on the street if you want  but I can’t promise I”ll always be ina  good mood.  My life is in shambles and there is no escape.  I hope you find happiness.  You deserve it.  You have a future.  I won’t live past the end of the year.  I’m a poisonous person and I destroy everything around me.”
I feel like I’ve got a really long way to go.