New email. Feeling despondent

[Larmoyant]

I have received the following email from my ex today:

"Hello, Just a note that R today submitted her PhD thesis.  It is quite good. You always under estimated me. I hope those you look up to are treating you well."

He's referring to my old thesis supervisor and a couple of others who I'd expressed admiration for. It had caused a massive blow-up at the time as he seemed to equate it with me putting him down in some way.  He thinks they influenced me to leave him and that I didn't decide all by myself only I did.

I'm thinking of writing back. Not sure yet as I haven't worked out why I'd want to. Only my life is just these four walls now. I was hurt with him in my life and I'm hurt without him in my life. I was too dependent on him for social contact and it wasn't only my fault. He isolated me, I lost my job, career so haven't got anywhere to turn. I'm struggling to start again.

I'm having a sad day, and feeling despondent. How my life has turned out since meeting him and since leaving him. It's bad, very bad and well, I'm dispirited.

[icky]

. eww that's a yucky, mean email. just lashing out. he's feeling crap and rejected and wants you to feel the same way. i'm sorry you've been emotionally slapped, here. this must trigger lots of crappy emotions and memories. try and look after yourself and try not to believe the content of this crappy email

[icky]

. I have received the following email from my ex today:. "Hello, Just a note that R today submitted her PhD thesis.  It is quite good. You always under estimated me. I hope those you look up to are treating you well.". He's referring to my old thesis supervisor and a couple of others who I'd expressed admiration for. It had caused a massive blow-up at the time as he seemed to equate it with me putting him down in some way.  He thinks they influenced me to leave him and that I didn't decide all by myself only I did. .

. so, should we try and understand his weird logic? if so, can you provide some background info? did you both work at a uni/ college or study there? has your old thesis supervisor submitted a thesis of her own? why is he privvy to this? why does "it is quite good" connect to "you underestimated me" ? has he contributed to the thesis being good? i know that trying to understand insults is kinda pointless, but this one doesn't make much sense at all.   : /. this is him, i reckon:   . this be everyone here:   

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm sorry you are feeling dispirited today. I can understand your feelings after receiving a text like that. Especially when you are not feeling great about your life in general at the moment. I know from experience that bad/upsetting news can send us right down into a hole of hurt and self-pity. It is temporary, though; you have reserves of strength that you can call on. We've all seen it. 

What good would it do you to respond to a message like that, Larmoyant? I can't find any reason, myself. You know that trying to soothe your loneliness by responding will last a micro minute—until the next moment when he communicates another hurtful message, or none at all. It's a no-win all around.

I say don't put yourself through that. His pain is not yours to carry, L.  You know that. And your pain is something he is not interested in helping with. Tend to your own feelings, and leave people who don't have your best interests at heart to theirs. 

heartandwhole

[patientandclear]

He's feeling hurt and rejected. Nothing about the content of that seems mysterious.  He feels you chose what happened and he is not liking the outcome and it is your fault for not appreciating him. He shows little insight or compassion and is going for the self-justifying explanation. But ... .It's really just saying "I feel you chose to leave me and I'm hurt." An understandable emotion even if he is wrong about the what and why.

Seems like your reaction has nearly nothing to do with the content and mostly to do with the very fact of the message coming in. You are lonely and the idea of being back in touch is soothing. I so get that, and your sentiment about "I was sad with him and sad without him." When the sad without him drags on, as it often does after these r/ships, it can cast doubt on what were good decisions to enforce boundaries or end things.

If you can honor that you ARE sad, that there is a big big wound, that your reaction to this little message is evidence of that ... .that may be all there is to do.

[Aussie0zborn]

Feeling despondent is something I know too well and I feel for you. How can you reclaim your life? Your social network? Your job? Do you have the energy to get back to where you were?

I would think that the first thing for you to do is NO CONTACT which means blocking every means of communication. If you think he will one day wake up and apologise to you, it isn't going to happen. pwBPD don't take ownership of their mistakes and are not responsible for their actions. What's going to happen is that you'll get more messages such as this that make you feel even more despondent. The more you feel that way and the longer you feel that way, the harder it is to bounce back. Do you want to perpetuate this? No contact.

If you're not feeling energetic enough to reclaim your life, try exercising. This will give you a clearer mind and advance you each time you do it.

The relationship is over - don't let his issues cause you further suffering. You can get through this. Many of us have done it. Good luck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larm, Only you know when its time to get off the BPD roller coaster.  I'm sorry to learn what you're going through and obviously you're in a lot of pain.  I echo those above and don't see the reason for a reply.  Yet maybe you're not done yet and want to keep the pot simmering?  Worth thinking about what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[hope2727]

Its just an excuse to bait you. Don't fall for it.

Someone on this forum once pointed out that if we reverse the pronouns it helps understand the message. So lets try.

You always under estimated me.

Becomes... .I always underestimated you.

I hope those you look up to are treating you well.

Becomes... .I hope those I look up to are treating me well.

maybe that will help you feel better. Let him think whatever  he wants. you have peace now don't let him disturb it.

[Larmoyant]

hmmm, my ex is a lecturer at a university. I attended a different one. I eventually became good friends with my supervisor who had really encouraged me and we worked on other papers together. I'd expressed admiration for his intelligence/knowledge, but my ex took it as an insult to himself. The woman referred to in the email who has just completed her PhD is one of my ex's students. Mature aged like me. He'd asked me to help her with her research as she was struggling. There's a story behind this too involving her massaging his feet and declaring love for him! Never a dull moment with my ex. I suspect he's rewritten large parts of her work. She's from a different country and it would be disastrous if she failed. So yes, I would say that he has contributed to her research being good.

heartandwhole, unfortunately, I responded. A battle ensued between logic and emotion and my heart won. I temporarily soothed myself by focusing on his feelings. Couldn't seem to stop it. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at my response because I attempted to validate his concern (that I underestimate him) so I used SET and failed spectacularly. His response was simply "Perlease!".  I was trying to be sincere.

PC, I agree with all that you wrote and I think that's what I responded to. His hurt and mine. All the pain around this is horrible. I'm in a state of confusion again. Sometimes I question if he just needs someone to offload all of the negativity onto and chooses me, but then I get confused thinking he still wants me. The sad part of me, the part that misses him responded. I want him to still want me. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I feel embarrassed today as I tried to be kind and validate him and it failed. It was probably a clumsy attempt. His response "Perlease!". He doesn't seem to try to understand where I'm coming from.

AussieOzborn, yes, the key here is to reclaim my life and maybe exercise would be a good start. I walk and it makes me feel better, but maybe it's time to do more. Depression is a horrible state to be in, and I can actually see that my behaviours are perpetuating this. The vicious cycle, but I know I have it in me to get through this. I agree that no contact is best, yet I struggle with it immensely. Maybe I am waiting for an apology, some understanding from him. He obviously has no insight into how I might be feeling. Not sure why that should still surprise me. He hardly ever did.  

Lucky Jim, it's so hard to get off the roller coaster. I'm still hanging on, 10 months later. It's not only him, it's me. I know it. It's just that I look around and haven't got anything left. He was the source of my social life and now it's gone. It's pulling me back because at least then I'd have something. Not sure where my thinking is right now. It just hurts all of it.

hope2727, this did make me feel better, thank you. This is empowering actually, as yes, he did underestimate me. I was much stronger than he thought and left. Also, this was a good reminder of the peace I have now. I mustn't let go of it.

[Larmoyant]

I'm now not sure if my ex was feeling hurt as opposed to resentful when he sent me the first message. In response to my clumsy attempt to validate his seeming concern that I always underestimated him he wrote "PLEase". This is the resulting conversation:

Me: I was trying to be kind

Him: That'll be what threw me. Any news on my money?

Me: No, that's just my nature. Still the same old (name) I see. No news about the money yet, but I haven't forgotten.

The money he's referring to was for a holiday he took me on 2 years ago but now wants back. He's already told me that I don't have to give it back, but has obviously changed his mind again.

It's all games. I'm ok now. I made the right decision.

[lovenature]

Maybe I am waiting for an apology, some understanding from him. He obviously has no insight into how I might be feeling. Not sure why that should still surprise me. He hardly ever did.  

He has a serious mental illness, it prevents him from showing you empathy and caring for your feelings.

It's just that I look around and haven't got anything left. He was the source of my social life and now it's gone. It's pulling me back because at least then I'd have something. Not sure where my thinking is right now. It just hurts all of it.

Try to focus on who you were before you met him; maybe not what you desire, but think of the overall picture. Through learning and recovery there can be a better life for you L., same goes for me and everyone else in the same boat.

[Larmoyant]

.He has a serious mental illness, it prevents him from showing you empathy and caring for your feelings.

It's very difficult trying to understand this. I've read that it's not their fault, that they're too busy focusing on their inner pain and sensitive emotions so have no room for concern for others. Yet, I'm sure there were times when my ex knew what he was doing and knew his behaviour would hurt me. I mean how can they not see that cheating would hurt someone. He'd purposefully flirt in front of me knowing this would make me uncomfortable. So he was tuned into my feelings at that point, trying to hurt me, and knowing full well what I'd be experiencing, why not other times?

.Try to focus on who you were before you met him; maybe not what you desire, but think of the overall picture. Through learning and recovery there can be a better life for you L., same goes for me and everyone else in the same boat.  

The trouble is when I focus on who I was before him it hurts even more. it hurts to remember. I am a complete shadow of what I was. It's all gone. I'm going to have to rebuild, but will remember that there can be a better life. For all of us. Thanks lovenature 

[foggydew]

Dear Larmoyant, I do understand how you are feeling. I've just had years of something similar, but I think I'm getting over it. For me, the main thing that has helped is having more contact to persons who appreciate me, professionally and personally. Now I have started coaching students at the university where I was employed, and this makes such a personal difference. Travelling helps too, anything that I can get interested in helps (though I have problems with getting interested and concentrating - depression).

You are not the person you were. You are on the way to being a wiser, more experienced, more interesting Mark 2 of what you were. We can't go backwards.

My uBPD friend is most obviously disordered - his kind of reaction is often similar. It seems that making other people hurt lessens the stress and hurt he feels for a moment, gives him a boost. He doesn't like it, hates himself for doing it, feels great shame - but does it. Some kind of power - maybe they feel less helpless, more in control. But it isn't about you. You are just an easy target, because close and emotionally involved, like me. It's easier to get a reaction out of us. More reaction for less effort. Maybe that is their way of self-soothing  - foreign to us.

[lovenature]

Sure there are times when our ex's purposefully flirted in front of us, cheated, knew they were hurting us with their words and actions; remember that their worst fear is abandonment, they will test your commitment to them through their behaviour (of course the more you accept, the more they hurt and push you away). A PWBPD's defensive behaviours all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment; get too close and trigger their fear of engulfment, they can go as far as to cognitively distort reality. Remember that it is a VERY serious mental illness.

I realize that none of us will ever be the same person we were before our BPD relationships, when I recommended to remember who you were before you met your ex., I was implying the functioning, caring, good qualities you have. Yes the pain of becoming a broken shell of our former selves is extreme, but through this awful pain we can learn and heal one day at a time, looking forward to being even healthier than we were before our BPD relationships.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Foggy & lovenature, this helps a lot, thank you and another piece of the puzzle has just dropped into place.

My ex was pathologically jealous when we went out and we eventually couldn't go anywhere without it descending into raging, arguing and tears. It became intolerable. I can now see that this jealousy was intense fear on his part. He punched a man once for talking to me.

It's taken me a while however to understand why he would deliberately set out to make me feel 'less than'. He'd frequently point out beautiful women commenting on their figure, hair, whatever, in comparison with me, e.g. she looks fantastic would you ever consider dying your hair blonde or she has lovely green eyes, he favourite eye colour on a woman, mine are blue. He'd also sometimes flirt right in front of me or openly gawk at a woman.

We were out once and he pointed to a woman saying that she was the type he usually went for. I was upset and asked him why would he tell me such a thing. He replied that it wasn't because she was pretty (she was), but because she looked vulnerable. He likes vulnerable women. I can assure you I felt very vulnerable then. It hurt, a lot, but maybe he  was feeling unsafe, fearful and was perhaps offloading all of that onto me? Wanted me to feel insecure like him? Well, it worked! At the time I personalized it and it was so destructive to my self-esteem. It was brutal, but at least I can understand it now, although I never want to experience it again.

lovenature, I'm really beginning to see clearly just how mentally disturbed my ex's behaviour is/was. I have experienced his cognitive distortions on a number of occasions, but I used to think I could reason with them. I still do sometimes, but more and more the pieces are falling into place and I realise there's little I can do to change any of this.

It's very sad. I feel bad for him and maybe if I'd known more at the time I wouldn't have been so upset. Although I don't really see how I wouldn't have been. I'd imagine you'd have to have a tough skin to withstand some of their behaviours. I think I'm too sensitive.

[lovenature]

You have to be "less than" during devaluation, PWBPD feel intense shame and have very low self esteem; they have to be the better person so you won't abandon them; really sad because in reality the opposite occurs, we see their need for help and try so hard to make it work, if we were the lesser, weaker one we would have run.

You are not too sensitive L., I am sure you have read the many similar stories on here like I have; think of some of the members who have struggled and hurt so much, where they have been in life before, during, and after their BPD relationship.

Remember that unless the PWBPD is committed to getting the help they need, the relationship just can't be healthy for either partner.