I Need Help

[Fishee]

I need help. My partner isn't officially diagnosed with BPD but I have been listening to audio books and doing research and she exhibits many of the characteristics, to a scary degree.

I need help, this relationship is scary and dangerous. A couple of weeks ago she almost drove us off the road going 90 miles an hour (almost went into the ditch and then she over-corrected and went into the other lane as I could feel the car lifting up - then she wouldn't pull over the car when I was screaming and begging her to and instead was yelling and blaming me for it and going on my phone texting people and calling for friends and trying to look for a new job in a different state while going 90 miles an hour in the rain and driving too close to other cars).

I don't know how much detail I need to go into right now but that is one situation among many and her fear of abandonment is so severe that it seems like I can't do anything without triggering her. She has convinced me that I am the reason that everything is wrong in the relationship and so I stopped talking to people about all of the traumatic and messed up things that are happening in the relationship - except my therapist who after I said that I was feeling like I couldn't continue the relationship - stated his strong opinion that I should stop seeing her (he waited until I came to that conclusion on my own before he spoke).

She has hurt herself numerous times in the past including cutting her self but mostly hitting her head as hard as she can on whatever object that she can find and ripping her hair out and if I am close to her - scratching and flailing and hitting and breaking objects. She wrapped a phone cord around her throat once because I abandoned her and said she was going to kill herself so I better come over there and call an ambulance.

She has a history of this in past relationships and has self admitted "trauma" and "intense reactions" from being abandoned in the past.

I know I can't be responsible for her feelings but I really don't just want to walk away and leave her on her own. She said (and I believe) that I am the love of her life and I know that because of that these behaviors and thoughts have gotten worse because of the pain that she has gone through by being with me. I really feel like me leaving could send her over the edge and she might never come back. She is 35 years old and wants a kid so badly (we had plans to have a kid and get married - and we are supposed to be closing on a house together in 2 weeks which feels super scary right now). She is so scared that she won't be able to have a biological child because of her age and if I leave I can just imagine her alone and without a child and in intense psychological distress for the rest of her life.

I know I need to take care of myself but I really don't know what to do right now. I haven't brought up BPD yet (I was already an avoidant person before hand but I am just straight up scared to bring up anything to her now because of the possibility of it going to a ten). A couple of days ago I set a boundary (something I'm not good at) saying that she has severe psychological issues and that I love her and want to be there for her but that I can't continue this relationship unless she has a conversation with me about this life-threatening events and other awful events that have happened (which she blames me for) and seeks professional help. She says she has been wanting to talk to me about these things (I don't know if she's thinking BPD or just trauma or something else) and that she talks about her issues in Al-Anon and therapy but that I don't create a safe environment for her to bring them up.

When I set that boundary she came to me crying and wanting to talk about them but begging that I reassure that things will be okay and that we can work on her issues together like we've been working on mine and that we can still move forward and get the house together and that I'm not going to kick her to the curb. I bent my boundary of not talking about anything else in the relationship until we had that conversation and reassured her that we could keep moving forward while we created a safe space to share that in. I know that was a mistake but it was also compounded by her friend committing suicide (she told me that day but I guess it happened the day before - I believe this to be true - her dad found the friend). I didn't want to be so cold so I tried to support her through this but 2 days later and things are back to the same old awful relationship and she is blaming me for everything so today I set that same boundary again.

I finally told somebody else about it and told my parents - I am living in their house until we close on our house early December (who called the cops on her after she was banging her head on the tool box in their garage trying to get in because I locked all the doors) who have now said that I need a full break and that she is not welcome in their home.

I guess I don't know what I am looking for by posting this but I think it's good to talk about it because up until I told my parents 30 minutes ago I didn't realize how crazy and harmful and traumatic this experience has been until it is layed out clearly and people close to me aren't saying to work with her if she is willing to work with a professional and with clearer boundaries, etc. But are instead are saying that I need to be done for good.

I don't want her to be alone that's her worst fear.
Is anybody out there?

-B

[icky]

can you delay the house purchase? it sounds like a massive risk,  right now. also, given how unstable she is and psychologically harmful she behaves, do you really think she should have a kid? would you really want to expose a child to this stuff? a child has a right to be cared for - not to be used as the toy of a mentally unstable person. please try and stall/ call off the house purchase until you've had time to talk to people here and to inform yourself fully about BPD.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome!

What you have gone through is traumatic - but I think there are many people here who have gone through very similiar. We can help!

Most people saying that "telling her she has BPD" is a bad thing, however she seems quite self-aware. Perhaps it would be better to suggest that to her doctor, or have her read about BPD "accidentally" and let her self-diagnose.

Either way, the diagnosis doesn't help much. We look to treat her behaviours.

You will not be able to "cure" her - and there's a good chance she'll be this way forever. BUT - you can adjust the way you interact with her to "calm her", and to protect yourself.

I suggest reading on this board about Validation. It's a conversation technique to allow her to feel heard, which then reduces her rages. It's a little hard for men to do, because you listen without solving anything, and you *almost* ignore her words and just listen to her feelings. But it works! Search for it. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0


Have you purchased any published books? I suggest "Stop walking on Eggshells" as a good starter.

[babyducks]

Hi Fishee

 

Welcome to the website.   You've come to a good place where you can honestly and anonymously share your story.   That's important.   As Arleigh said many of us have been where you are today.    Post here as often as you want.   Writing things out will help.   Read here as much as you can, you will be amazed at how much it all sounds very familiar.

You have a lot of things going on, many of them are what I would call the big ticket type issues.  If I were you I would feel confused, scared, angry, rushed and pressured.   It's very hard to sort through these types of issues when in the middle of an emotional whirlwind.   Take a couple of deep breaths.   We will be here as long as you need us.

Fishee what I noticed first was what you called the scary and dangerous part.   All of us would be frightened by what you described.   My own personal rule is safety first.  Safety first.   My relationship had strong elements of violence in it.   There was a ton of conflict.   Over on the right hand side of the screen in the banner there is a step that talks about stopping the bleeding, diffuse conflict.   When you are ready take a look.   I had to learn how to safely and calmly take a time out before arguments and rages reached dangerous proportions.  Does that make sense?    I had to learn to say to my partner, I want to talk to you about this, it is an important topic.  Right now I am overloaded and upset and I need to take a break.   I will be back to talk more in ... .a day... .two days... .4 hours.   Whatever fit the situation.    Saying something like that worked better in the long run than saying 'you are acting crazy, I am out of here.'

That's some times pretty hard to do.   There is usually a lot going on in these volatile conversations, and she is not going to willingly let you leave the conversation.    If the best I could do was say, I got to take a break as I was walking out the door, that was fine because it is safety first.

I noticed you said you have a therapist.        Excellent.   That is a very good thing.   Having a support system around you, therapist, parents who understand are all good steps.   You are doing the right things.

Buying a house, having a kid.   These are all big ticket issues.   Tough things to do when everything is going well.    Stopping to consider if this is a good time to go all in is wise.   I like what hmmmm said, is there a way to slow things down for you?   A way to ease up the pace of things that won't add to the intense emotions already in the mix?   What do you think?  You are perfectly within your rights to say 'partner, we've had a lot going on lately, I feel that I need to take x amount of time to re-organize my thoughts'.

ArleighBurke also mentioned that it isn't usually recommended to tell someone about BPD right away.   In the beginning you are still learning about this disorder.   In the beginning feelings are usually still pretty raw.   Almost everyone arrives here in crisis of some kind.   I did.    What is suggested, is that you respond to symptoms first.   People smarter than me told me to discuss the symptom first.   I used to say ( a lot)  I'm noticing that this conversation is getting upsetting, I don't want to fight with you.   Just to lower the temperature.

Tell us how you are doing today?   How have things been since you posted?   We care.   

'ducks

 

[Notwendy]

I understand how scary it is to care for someone who has self harmed and made suicide threats.

I agree with the concept of safety first. Someone who is enraged should not be driving a car. If you are driving and she is yelling at you, that is also a dangerous distraction. The car safety issue isn't just about the two of you. There are others on the road who might be hurt by unsafe driving.

There are several big ticket issues going on here. It can seem overwhelming to deal with them all at once. It is possible to deal with the most urgent ( safety) and postpone others ( marriage, children, house ).

You are aware that she has a fear of abandonment and that you are unsure of the relationship. Consider something about these big ticket "wishes" of hers: they are all ways to seal the deal on a relationship by making long term and legally complicated commitments. Of the three of them, one is a commitment to a relationship that can not ever be undone. One can sell a house, dissolve a marriage- both complicated and involving costs. However, once a child is brought into the word, your relationship is at some level forever. Even divorced parents maintain some contact with each other if they are sharing custody of the child.

Yes, it makes sense that someone her age would feel an urgency to have a child, but consider that this is your child, and these are the behaviors your child would be subjected to. It will be your child in a car with her one day. It will be your child worried about suicide threats. Something to think about. And, you don't even need to be part of her decision to get pregnant. If you are having sex with her, then, this possibility exists- every time. I don't mean to speak to you like a teenager, but even adults can change the course of their lives through emotions.

It is good that you are seeing a counselor. I think many of us understand that this is difficult, but it is important to not put yourself in danger.