Im sad

[live now]

Hello Readers
I recently was dumped by my now ex-girlfriend, via a phone call while I was away on an extended work contract.  My work was across the country (she was in the east, and I was in western Canada).  I was in a remote area and tried to call her every few days.  I had not been away for that long from her in 4 years and I left for a 5 week trip reluctantly fearing how it would affect her... .lets call it a hunch.  The contract was extended to 8 weeks as the job was not finished.  Each time we would speak she would bring up some kind of bad news about herself and I could see that she was starting to decompensate.  On week 7 she called me, I was already stressed and burned out, she sounded like a different person, she was cold, insensitive and said "I am breaking up with you".  It was the last thing I needed to hear, I was 2000 miles from home, burned out, stressed and really was missing her and looking forward to returning from this crappy contract that turned out to be a bad situation.  I immediately started crying on the phone with her, I proceeded to cry for the next week.  I could not believe how triggered I was.  Our relationship was bad, I knew it was probably not going to last... .but there was just something about how she was on the phone with me that triggered a flood of emotions I could no longer hold back.

3 weeks later I finally made it home to the eastern US.  I made a conscious choice to handle all communications with her with kid gloves.  Making sure not add fuel to the fire, and "keep my side of the street clean".  She reserved all communication with me to cold, abrupt Facebook messages demanding I return immediately and get my stuff out of the apartment.  She failed to realize that everything in our home was my personal property.  So no only was I dumped, I was homeless.  I somehow remained cool headed.  I did dread the worse, when she broke up with me on the phone I asked her "are you doing this so you can be with someone else?"  she responded "no I want to be alone and dont want to invest anything else in our relationship"!  I strongly sensed this was not true.  I later found out that she had been dating several individuals after I had been gone for only 6 weeks.  When I finally saw her to move some of my stuff, she was somewhat nicer.  She admitted she had almost committed suicide the week before because she went on a date and the guy later rejected her.  I could not believe she was telling me this, she then said "I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner and have been diagnosed with BPD".  Until this point I thought she had major depressive disorder with an attatchment disorder.  I have worked in mental health and more familiar with the acting out form of BPD and I missed it in her.  When she told me this it all made sense.

I arrived back east in mid september, it is now mid november, and I am just beginning to accept that she is clearly BPD, like its finally getting into my emotions not just my intellect.  I realize for 5 years I have been a relationship with her but have been involved in her BPD pathology, and all the signs were there.  It was just her final split while I was gone that put me over the edge. 

After giving me the absolute silent treatment for a month, she walked into my my new house yesterday letting herself into the door with no warning that she was coming over.  She was attention seeking, and in a panic crisis.  in my lonliness and conditioned state from 5 years of living with her, I found myself going into rescue mode.  Angry that she had no boundaries, but rescuing once again.  Like an addict who found a free bag of heroin.   I had been doing so well, however the lonliness and pain has been crushing at times.  but I have been seeing the future and what potential it holds out of this pathological relationship.  Then in she comes, for the next 3 days I allowed her to come and spend time with.  There was no intimate contact as she assured me to my absolute pain "she was not attracted to me like that anymore".  Clearly she is still in and will likely remain in the devaluation state.  She simply wanted my attention and psychiatric support.  I feel used, and hurt, and stupid for taking the bait.  However, the last night she was here she really demonstrated how broken inside she truly is.  I needed to see just how tormented her inner world is.  The info on this website, and the help I have sought professionally has helped me to not take this as personally.  I am just so sad for her, and I am really rattled about her recent intrusion.  Its so easy for people to say "Set firm boundaries... .bla bla bla"  so before anyone gives me that advice again... .know I have, but its really really f... .ing hard for me to do.  I would rather hear some support than just hear more of that canned response to how to deal with her. 

I am hurting, its really taken a tole on me, and my compassion really has me hurting for the Hell inside her world also. 

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to your support

[Renard]

Live Now, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I have some sense of what it feels like to get so confused and to feel so decimated. I just went through ten days of hell and now am e-mailing with my partner. If it helps any your tears might have been very good for you. I have cried only a few times and very briefly in the last ten days. Instead, I have been in some kind of shock and verging on panic and nausea. I have yet to eat a decent meal.

All I can say is that tomorrow will not be like today. Keep breathing and find ways know what you think and feel at your core. I think transit through all this confusion is very much about not merely managing emotion but knowing what you stand for and what you can stand.

[Renard]

Live Now, I should have said that your compassion for her is moving.

[Larmoyant]

Hi live now, welcome to BPD family. I can totally relate to your post. I have struggled now for 10 months with strong feelings of compassion for my ex and I'm still making mistakes because of it. It draws me back in every time. I'm really not of much help to you accept to offer you understanding and support. Maybe when the balance tips and we start putting our feelings before theirs is when we finally become free. Easier said then done. I've read that we are not responsible for another's feelings yet it's so difficult when we see they are suffering and we want to reach out and help. I get it.   

[live now]

Renard, thank you.  Yeah I know the feeling of wanting to puke.  Not eat. what an emotional roller coaster ride.  I practice Buddhism, which is based on compassion.  Its how I did not loose control after she dumped me.  I lost control inside myself, but did not act out on it towards her.  Partly it was because I did not want her to destroy all my belongings while I was gone.  My compassion though, in seeing just how tormented she is, and how her mind is a living Hell day in and out, brings out my compassion.  Yes... I know I have to put a metaphorical razor wire fence around life concerning her... I have to.  But the last night she was here, all I could really see was a broken little girl sobbing.  she is in her 30s, but emotionally about 14 years old.  She entered an intensive outpatient program, time will tell if she sticks with it.  But I got to give her credit for seeking help, most dont.  Im sad none the less.  Please be gentle with yourself for emailing your ex, forgive forgive forgive yourself.  the more I understand, the more I know that the "no contact" rule is a process, and really being able to do it takes time.  You will get there not a second before you are ready... same here.  Peace to you

[live now]

Larmoyant, indeed you do understand.  Yeah... its like titrating off an addictive drug.  It really is an addiction... .so true... .they do suck us in every time.  However, i will say... .seeing that inner sobbing child was an epiphany last night.  There has been a shift in my thinking.  still compassionate but a bit more like how it is when I have worked clinically as a residential councillor with BPD patients.  A little more emotional distance. 

[One key]

dont you think that feeling compassion for her will slow down your own healing?
She is not the victim in this break up.
You are.
I would concentrate much more on myself.
Anger is a nice trick to avoid that she keeps on renting space in your head.
Once you are kicked of from the dopamine rush she is giving you, you can reduce that anger towards her.
if being not angry makes you more comfortable.

[elfyguy]

I am just so sad for her, and I am really rattled about her recent intrusion. 

One of the reasons why we put up with abuse is because we're so focused on others, we can't see how we're feeling. She's made her choice and pushed you away. As painful as it is, you can finally, fully focus on yourself. That wound she opened up is a chance to discover who you are and love(as painful as it is) being alone. Sorry for the cryptic message, but I don't know how else to describe it.

Things will look up 

[Renard]

Renard, thank you.  Yeah I know the feeling of wanting to puke.  Not eat. what an emotional roller coaster ride.  I practice Buddhism, which is based on compassion.  Its how I did not loose control after she dumped me.  I lost control inside myself, but did not act out on it towards her.  Partly it was because I did not want her to destroy all my belongings while I was gone.  My compassion though, in seeing just how tormented she is, and how her mind is a living Hell day in and out, brings out my compassion.  Yes... I know I have to put a metaphorical razor wire fence around life concerning her... I have to.  But the last night she was here, all I could really see was a broken little girl sobbing.  she is in her 30s, but emotionally about 14 years old.  She entered an intensive outpatient program, time will tell if she sticks with it.  But I got to give her credit for seeking help, most dont.  Im sad none the less.  Please be gentle with yourself for emailing your ex, forgive forgive forgive yourself.  the more I understand, the more I know that the "no contact" rule is a process, and really being able to do it takes time.  You will get there not a second before you are ready... same here.  Peace to you

Live Now, thanks for your comments. I see your point, yet I know I'm not there and don't know that I can be. That is, I don't feel awful for emailing with her. I do love her and the email is welcome. I might be a fool, but I am willing to try again and almost assuredly again and again. I know she has the disorder and that it's almost certainly compounded by some other issues, yet nothing changes my admiration and respect for her. She is incredibly tough to have made it so far in life with such success. I know she doesn't need me and I don't think I need her so badly that I can't live without her. It's just that I love her. She has made a mess of my life right now, but she also gave me life. I can't quite imagine how I sound--probably pretty conflicted and a bit too willing to suffer for some ideals--but I keep thinking that if she was my sister or my brother or my mother or my father I would love her, I would endure.