This is madness. Me not him

[Larmoyant]

My ex has again told me that he heard me say something I did not. Basically, he says he overheard me say that I do not really miss him and that I only miss him when I want something done, in this case the laundry. Bizarre. I have never said anything of the sort.

I want to understand this from a borderlines perspective. Is this feelings = facts? He feels I said this so therefore it is real? Is this what he is using to keep away from me? Is this what he is using so he can paint me black? or is this bait so he can get me to say that I do miss him so he can be reassured the attachment is still in place before he goes silent again?

Now for my feelings. This doesn't feel good. It feels like a false accusation and it is frustrating. I want to defend myself, scream from the rooftops that I never said it. I also want to run away from this madness as quickly as possible. Then again I am curious and I want to understand it. 

My response to him was "You heard what you wanted to hear. I never said anything of the sort".

Predictably he then went silent on me causing me pain. What was I hoping for? A normal conversation that is never forthcoming. It's my own fault, but I don't want to beat myself up here. I want to understand myself. Trying to be as honest as I can so I can detach.

I keep engaging because I am hoping for a miracle. I keep engaging because I miss him. I keep engaging because I am not taking steps to rebuild my life. I am waiting for him to come back so I can be happy again which makes little sense because I was miserable. I was in hell. I am still enmeshed with him, too attached which scares me in case I too have BPD only I don't rage at people, cheat, destroy their self-esteem, or push and pull them around sending them into deep despair.

He will pop up again of that I have no doubt. It might be today or could be in a few weeks. He'll come up with some obscure reason, which will be a veiled or outright insult, triggering all my painful emotions. And, I am putting myself through all of this.
 
I am on the verge of blocking all contact but I am stuck in the emotion of this break-up. I am preventing myself from moving on, picking up the smashed pieces and beginning again. I have to, yet here I am waiting for the next contact. This is madness.

[Herodias]

I think you have a clear understanding of what he is doing and why. I think you also have a clear understanding as to what you are doing and why... .so what do you do now? You have to decide what your boundaries are. It is very hard to move on... .trust me, I am going on 2 years since my ex destroyed our marriage. My therapist asked what my boundaries were. He managed to go over every one of them. I have to respect myself sometime... .What about you? Why do you think you don't feel strong enough to walk away? Do you keep hoping you are wrong about him? Do you keep hoping he will change? I did... .he did... .he got worse. What are your boundaries... .that is the first question you need to ask yourself. Then keep that in the forefront of your mind and no matter what, do not allow yourself to let someone step over your line. That is how you begin to have self esteem. 

[michel71]

I am barely into mine so I can't be an expert on anything I am afraid but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Big hugs to you. You will come out of this stronger.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

You're right, it is in the context of feelings, a pwBPD dissociate or alter reality to match his put of place feelings. It's hard to nail it down exactly when someone has a distorted thoughts but we can get a general idea. Maybe he was thinking that he is unlovable and expects you to abandon him ( perceived or real )  like everyone else in his life, it's a self destructive pattern. I don't think that he's necessarily baiting you, I think that he's testing you.

I agree that it helps learn about it, it helps with our healing because we can depersonalize it and become indifferent to the behaviors. If he doesn't take care of his mental illness, it doesn't matter how many times that you re-assure him, it's something that he needs ti learn to manage for himself.

There probably was a good reason why you thought about blocking him, I agree with Herodias about boundaries, maybe you're thinking that it's not good ti be around this, I agree with you that self protection is good, blocking him doesn't have to be a hard and fast rule, you could do controlled contact or block him until you feel like you're in a place where you're stronger.

[EnnyL]

Hi there,
I had a very  similar incident to yours a couple of months ago, I'd been accused of having a crush on somebody who I've never met! Words were had that evening, I could feel the ridiculousness of the conversation so I just shut up.
Anyway next morning I brought up something he'd said in relation to the previous evening, all he kept saying was "you're confused, you're confused!"
Now I know I wasn't confused, I got upset and to make him stop saying it I thumped him on the back, it was not a hard thump, I just wanted him to stop saying it!
He leapt up giving it ow that really hurt you've bruised me!  Yes I shouldn't have done it but I did not cause pain or injury, and sort of felt bad till I remembered being spat on the wk before.
Was I being goaded to react? So he can make out I'm the crazy one?
I don't know?
I'm having "space" from him right now, I know in my heart I deserve better, but does that make me a needy fool for falling in love with him?
Looking back there were many red flags early ish in our relationship but I was besotted and overlooked them.
Now I'm suffering mentally too!
What's it all about?
I give up I really do. Personally I think I need therapy to put my head straight again.
I know this doesn't answer your questions but I just saw the similarities.
Good luck with your future.

[babyducks]

Hi Larmoyant

I want to understand this from a borderlines perspective. Is this feelings = facts? He feels I said this so therefore it is real? Is this what he is using to keep away from me? Is this what he is using so he can paint me black? or is this bait so he can get me to say that I do miss him so he can be reassured the attachment is still in place before he goes silent again?

It's not unusual at all for people with mental illnesses to live with what I would call thought instability.   Denying the perceptions of others and having an intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary.   pwBPD live in a disordered reality.   It's not a conscious choice.   They don't wake up in the morning and decide to distort reality.   Their brain is making sense of the chaos inside them by rearranging/reordering facts and events.   I suspect you have seen enough evidence of this that you know this.

I believe that "almost all interactions with pwBPD are based on who is better than/worse than, right/wrong, deserving of blame/deserving of defense, who gets more/who gets less and so on."   The professionals in this field call it the inferior/superior game.    :)o you think you might be stuck in an inferior/superior game loop with him?

Now for my feelings. This doesn't feel good. It feels like a false accusation and it is frustrating. I want to defend myself, scream from the rooftops that I never said it. I also want to run away from this madness as quickly as possible. Then again I am curious and I want to understand it.  

It is frustrating to be on the receiving end of false accusations.  More so when you buy into them and give them credence and power over you.   Defending yourself.  JADE'ing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining)  never works.   It only serves to intensify the game of inferior/superior.   There is no reason to accept his version of reality as valid for you.   You don't need to let his reality overwrite yours.

My response to him was "You heard what you wanted to hear. I never said anything of the sort".

Predictably he then went silent on me causing me pain.

I'm not surprised he went silent.   And you are right it was predictable.  This is engaging in more of the who is deserving of blame/who is deserving of defense stuff.

If you want to engage with him, if you tell me - my heart wants what my heart wants,  I will say fine, I understand.  I will also say learn to avoid the traps in conversations that keep you stuck in the drama triangle,  learn to speak to him in ways that defuse conflict.   Accept that his reality and yours are not going to match on many occasions and don't surrender your reality to him.

If you want to detach from him because you tell me you can't take any more drama, I will say fine, I understand.   I will also say detaching with grace means bolstering yourself up, (not at his expense)because you are worth it,   because you are enough.  

What was I hoping for? A normal conversation that is never forthcoming.

Good question,  what were you hoping for?   It's been proven over and over again that validation is missing in your typical conversations.    

 

I keep engaging because I am hoping for a miracle. I keep engaging because I miss him. I keep engaging because I am not taking steps to rebuild my life. I am waiting for him to come back so I can be happy again which makes little sense because I was miserable. I was in hell. I am still enmeshed with him, too attached which scares me in case I too have BPD only I don't rage at people, cheat, destroy their self-esteem, or push and pull them around sending them into deep despair.

I can understand hoping for that miracle.  I know how it feels to miss them.  Posters upstream mentioned boundaries.  Boundaries can be intangible, emotional, and thought protective just as much as they can be tangible, practical, and physical.   A boundary could be, when I receive a text, email, message,  that is blaming, harsh or hurtful I will not engage in JADE,   I  will not respond in a way that continues the debate.  I will defuse the message in healthy ways, with healthy people.   That will take some practice.    Boundaries help get you un-enmeshed.

What would a boundary look like for you right now?   That you could reasonably enforce over and over and over until it becomes second nature.

hope this helps
'ducks

[EnnyL]

Hi, Wow just wow!
Larmyont, you have just said exactly what I am trying to express.
I know just how you feel,
I'm having a weekend off from uBPD man, already I'm calmer, able to think about all of this, I don't think I want to try with him anymore, learning how to change MY behaviour! I'm not perfect but life used to be so much more straightforward, worried all this man is doing is consuming me, and frankly life's too short. I'd rather be a bit lonely at times than abused.

[lovenature]

It takes what it takes L. One day at a time, keep TRYING to do what is best for YOU.

[Annie99]

I agree with lovenature.  Larmoyant, every day you need to look inside and see what YOU need and act on it. Acknowledge your anxiety and pain and then ask yourself what do I need right now? Have compassion for yourself, you are having a really tough time right now but you will get through this.

[Larmoyant]

baby ducks, that was incredibly helpful, and gave me lots to think about, thanks. I was wondering about boundaries. I don't think mine are good. I'm not sure what a boundary would look like for me right now. If he writes again maybe it could be that I won't answer if he insults me or something like that. EnnL, sorry you're feeling this way too. It's not easy. Annie99, yes, I'm in a bad place now, but working through it, maybe I'm at a turning point. lovenature, one day at a time is good advice and I'm going to keep trying. Thanks all.