New here; am certain mother is undiagnosed Borderline

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello fellow survivors. At 45 years old, I am hoping to stay sane as I "divorce" my mother.

I am certain my mother is undiagnosed Borderline. I have believed this since I was 17.

I now know that around 50, she was misdiagnosed (?) as  bipolar with other conditions not being ruled out. This diagnosis never felt right to me.

Childhood was on and off hell--and always confusing. Most everyone thought my charming mom hung the moon (except the men she divorced and a handful of friends/coworkers/lovers who were ex-communicated by her.)

I tried to do everything to make her happy with me but it never worked. I learned to try to hide any negative emotions in order to keep her normal.

 When things went well for me, she seemed odd, even jealous.

She didn't allow me to do typical teenage things, didn't let me participate in activities without being present, and until I was a teenager, she managed to befriended each of  my  few friends. (I stopped inviting friends over because on at least two or three occasions I was punished in my room while she stayed up doing crafts and having fun with my friends.)

She privately told family and her coworkers untrue or wildly exaggerated things about me.  But in public she'd brag about me being smart and pretty. Every time she divorced, she'd brag to me about what a "team" she and I were.

When she was mad, rather than telling me what I'd done wrong, she'd stop talking to me, often for days. I could rarely determine what I had done wrong.

My first break with my mother: this is long-you may wish to skip this part
-I came home from my first year of college to a silent mother.  After 4 days of this, I confronted her. She disappeared for the night, and came back the next day to say she no longer had a daughter. I was to get out.  The reason was a mystery to me.
--When this happened, I tried to call my Grandparents, she yanked the phone from the wall and ran to another room with the phone. She disappeared again for the night.
--I couldn't find my car key. After a frantic night/day, I found my car key (minus house key) under the pillow of my bed. (This sure reminds me of the husband she told to get out, but padlocked his truck to a light pole.)
--Mom would not give me my belongings or my money ($400.00 from my part time job) because she needed to assess the 'damages' I'd done to the apartment during our 'confrontation'  (? I had slammed a door) .
- A week later I received a phone call at work from a friend of my mother. The message: get my belongings by noon that day, or they would be thrown in the street. By making arrangements through the friend, we met at a public location with a police officer present upon her request.
--She disappeared for a few years. Mom's friend (who made the phone call to me) tracked me down a year later (I'd been rather transient) and confided that Mom had filed a police report stating I had threatened to murder her by slitting her throat in the middle of the night. Her friend (thank God) was very troubled at what Mom had done.


Moving on:
Years later when she reappeared and was on meds for bipolar, which helped because they numbed her, I mistakenly believed she felt bad about the past .

She is off those meds now due to reasons that don't make sense to me. I believe she is only on a minimal dose of an antipsychotic. She will only see an Internist; she won't go back to the psych who treated her (fairly successfully) with a larger antipsychotic medication.

Having a less-medicated Mother back in my life -- even at arm's length -- had been a strain on me for about 3 years. It's acute now: due to a  family illness, I've been forced to spend several days intermittently with Mom over the last 2 months. Being around her so much has brought me to my knees emotionally. I have had days where I can't function at work and my self-esteem (and belief that I'm not crazy) has been severely tested.

Her delusions have returned (or never went away.) I just found out that still believes I was a bad teenager, she still thinks I was going to kill her. (I was a straight-A student, super kind and compliant, sensitive person; never used drugs or smoked, and had 1 wine cooler on prom night.) She believes I'm bipolar. (I've asked numerous counselors to assess me for this and I definitely am not.) Also, I just learned that terrible things she has told me about other family/friends were all delusions.)

I feel SO empowered now that I've made the decision to "divorce" her. Yet I am terribly fearful about not being able to defend myself once I do this. She's going to tell people crazy things about me again. I fear for my career! I am struggling with long-buried issues; I feel thrown back into my pre-teen, confused self.

I feel scared that without a true diagnosis, no counselor may be willing to work with me in the way that is necessary to overcome this.

I was going to give her an ultimatum (i.e. get serious help or I'm out of your life) but read a book last night that advised against ultimatums. I feel a little less certain about what to do. The book helped me see that if she commits suicide (which could happen) I need to know it was not my fault. Yet I can't figure out how to untangle myself without an ultimatum. I don't care to 'salvage the relationship.' There never was a relationship except a false, idealistic vision I once believed because I wanted it so badly. I do desparatly wish I could have a normal mother, but that's not what I was dealt in life.

I've only stayed in her life (at arms lengths/ with 3 periods when she disappeared for  years) because I felt bad for her. But upon realizing that she doesn't even know she hurt me as a child -- and finding out she still believes all these terrible things-- I can't do this anymore.

Thanks for listening. 

Side note: As I write this, something horrific has just dawned on me for the first time in my life. I developed a deep and wonderful friendship with (I'll call her Penny) when I was 12. She moved away unexpectedly due to her own family problems. Within 2 months, I received notice through my mother that Penny's mother would no longer let Penny communicate with me because mom and I were "whores and sluts." Oh my... .what if this wasn't true either?
And the 4 or 5 people she knew that she said were child molesters... .was that not true either? 

[Newrites]

Hello fellow survivors. At 45 years old, I am hoping to stay sane as I "divorce" my mother.

I am certain my mother is undiagnosed Borderline. I have believed this since I was 17.

I now know that around 50, she was misdiagnosed (?) as  bipolar with other conditions not being ruled out. This diagnosis never felt right to me.

Childhood was on and off hell--and always confusing. Most everyone thought my charming mom hung the moon (except the men she divorced and a handful of friends/coworkers/lovers who were ex-communicated by her.)

I tried to do everything to make her happy with me but it never worked. I learned to try to hide any negative emotions in order to keep her normal.

 When things went well for me, she seemed odd, even jealous.

She didn't allow me to do typical teenage things, didn't let me participate in activities without being present, and until I was a teenager, she managed to befriended each of  my  few friends. (I stopped inviting friends over because on at least two or three occasions I was punished in my room while she stayed up doing crafts and having fun with my friends.)

She privately told family and her coworkers untrue or wildly exaggerated things about me.  But in public she'd brag about me being smart and pretty. Every time she divorced, she'd brag to me about what a "team" she and I were.

When she was mad, rather than telling me what I'd done wrong, she'd stop talking to me, often for days. I could rarely determine what I had done wrong.

My first break with my mother: this is long-you may wish to skip this part
-I came home from my first year of college to a silent mother.  After 4 days of this, I confronted her. She disappeared for the night, and came back the next day to say she no longer had a daughter. I was to get out.  The reason was a mystery to me.
--When this happened, I tried to call my Grandparents, she yanked the phone from the wall and ran to another room with the phone. She disappeared again for the night.
--I couldn't find my car key. After a frantic night/day, I found my car key (minus house key) under the pillow of my bed. (This sure reminds me of the husband she told to get out, but padlocked his truck to a light pole.)
--Mom would not give me my belongings or my money ($400.00 from my part time job) because she needed to assess the 'damages' I'd done to the apartment during our 'confrontation'  (? I had slammed a door) .
- A week later I received a phone call at work from a friend of my mother. The message: get my belongings by noon that day, or they would be thrown in the street. By making arrangements through the friend, we met at a public location with a police officer present upon her request.
--She disappeared for a few years. Mom's friend (who made the phone call to me) tracked me down a year later (I'd been rather transient) and confided that Mom had filed a police report stating I had threatened to murder her by slitting her throat in the middle of the night. Her friend (thank God) was very troubled at what Mom had done.


Moving on:
Years later when she reappeared and was on meds for bipolar, which helped because they numbed her, I mistakenly believed she felt bad about the past .

She is off those meds now due to reasons that don't make sense to me. I believe she is only on a minimal dose of an antipsychotic. She will only see an Internist; she won't go back to the psych who treated her (fairly successfully) with a larger antipsychotic medication.

Having a less-medicated Mother back in my life -- even at arm's length -- had been a strain on me for about 3 years. It's acute now: due to a  family illness, I've been forced to spend several days intermittently with Mom over the last 2 months. Being around her so much has brought me to my knees emotionally. I have had days where I can't function at work and my self-esteem (and belief that I'm not crazy) has been severely tested.

Her delusions have returned (or never went away.) I just found out that still believes I was a bad teenager, she still thinks I was going to kill her. (I was a straight-A student, super kind and compliant, sensitive person; never used drugs or smoked, and had 1 wine cooler on prom night.) She believes I'm bipolar. (I've asked numerous counselors to assess me for this and I definitely am not.) Also, I just learned that terrible things she has told me about other family/friends were all delusions.)

I feel SO empowered now that I've made the decision to "divorce" her. Yet I am terribly fearful about not being able to defend myself once I do this. She's going to tell people crazy things about me again. I fear for my career! I am struggling with long-buried issues; I feel thrown back into my pre-teen, confused self.

I feel scared that without a true diagnosis, no counselor may be willing to work with me in the way that is necessary to overcome this.

I was going to give her an ultimatum (i.e. get serious help or I'm out of your life) but read a book last night that advised against ultimatums. I feel a little less certain about what to do. The book helped me see that if she commits suicide (which could happen) I need to know it was not my fault. Yet I can't figure out how to untangle myself without an ultimatum. I don't care to 'salvage the relationship.' There never was a relationship except a false, idealistic vision I once believed because I wanted it so badly. I do desparatly wish I could have a normal mother, but that's not what I was dealt in life.

I've only stayed in her life (at arms lengths/ with 3 periods when she disappeared for  years) because I felt bad for her. But upon realizing that she doesn't even know she hurt me as a child -- and finding out she still believes all these terrible things-- I can't do this anymore.

Thanks for listening. 

Side note: As I write this, something horrific has just dawned on me for the first time in my life. I developed a deep and wonderful friendship with (I'll call her Penny) when I was 12. She moved away unexpectedly due to her own family problems. Within 2 months, I received notice through my mother that Penny's mother would no longer let Penny communicate with me because mom and I were "whores and sluts." Oh my... .what if this wasn't true either?
And the 4 or 5 people she knew that she said were child molesters... .was that not true either? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Newrites! 

Welcome to our BPD family! You are most welcome, with open arms here. You can rest within this place, find solace from the pain and the hurts, and a fresh breath of air from others who clearly understand what it means to have a uBPDm. We get it. I do too, for my mom was also an uBPD (she passed away in 2012).

I am so very sorry to hear of the tough and hurtful childhood which continues on to today. BPDs love drama and conflict it seems, and all I want is peace and quiet. I'm sure you understand. Unfortunately your mom is not going to change, even if you were to give her an ultimatum. The best protection for you is to take care of you, even as it sounds like you have been trying hard to do.

-I came home from my first year of college to a silent mother.  After 4 days of this, I confronted her. She disappeared for the night, and came back the next day to say she no longer had a daughter. I was to get out.  The reason was a mystery to me.

How confusing to you as a teenager to be 'welcomed' back with this treatment!   My mom did something similar when she approached me and said, "I don't care what you learned at school. You WILL obey me and you WILL do what I tell you to do!" I'm a little bit older than you, and I've still never forgotten her icy demands and control.

There are others here who have gone NC (no contact), and they'll be able to share their thoughts with you. Unknowingly I went VLC (very low contact) with my uBPDm when she moved to FL and I stayed up north. I didn't even know that she was uBPD at that time (or that the name BPD even existed), but I knew something was wrong. Go with your instincts, not those that she portrays to you.

I feel scared that without a true diagnosis, no counselor may be willing to work with me in the way that is necessary to overcome this.

A good T doesn't need a formal diagnosis to be able to help you. My mom never had a formal diagnosis either, but that has not stopped me from getting the help and support I need from someone who is trained in understanding BPD. There are many other members here who's T said that their family member sounded like they have BPD and then the journey into understanding and revelation begins. You are not alone. When you mentioned that your mom was misdiagnosed with bipolar, it may actually be true that she does exhibit bipolar traits as well. In fact, borderlines often have many other Dx that fall along the 'border' of the personality disorder. In the book, I Hate You-Don't Leave Me, there is a great chart that looks like a bicycle wheel with BPD at the center, and various disorders going out like spokes from the middle. Bipolar is one of many. So many T will diagnose a patient with one portion but not distinguish between the whole with BPD being the major PD.

Side note: As I write this, something horrific has just dawned on me for the first time in my life. I developed a deep and wonderful friendship with (I'll call her Penny) when I was 12. She moved away unexpectedly due to her own family problems. Within 2 months, I received notice through my mother that Penny's mother would no longer let Penny communicate with me because mom and I were "whores and sluts." Oh my... .what if this wasn't true either?
And the 4 or 5 people she knew that she said were child molesters... .was that not true either?

Now that you are an adult and not a little child, you have the opportunity to investigate and learn things for yourself and make up your own mind. This may be of help to you especially as you seem to be on the brink of so many discoveries right now. You need to know for yourself. I would like to recommend a couple of books to you and I will post the links to our reviews here for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0 Surviving a Borderline Parent
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298995.0 Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother

Both books are excellent and provide a lot of help. The first book will give you some helpful tips and lots and lots of validation that you are not crazy. Do you have a T that you can go to see?

Hugs for you! 
Wools

[Newrites]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I was afraid I'd return to see no one had posted back to me. (There's that fear of rejection I still carry!)

I'm sorry for your experience. I think one thing I'm going to like here is being able to say, and hear, "well, you understand. I don't have to elaborate... ." Oh, what a blessing, as no one has understood.

 I will purchase the books tonight. Yes, I see I am on the brink of so many discoveries. I was seeing a life coach because I'd been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety about 2.5 years ago (which coincides with when my mother went off her meds.) I've gotten a special appointment to see her tomorrow and will try to find a polite way to ask her experience with BPD... .and if we can move our counseling up from general life coaching to intense therapy. I want to get better!

Thanks so much again. I'm so happy to find this place.

Oh... .and the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" was the book I read at 17 (I worked in a bookstore) that first made me suspect this was my mother's problem. I don't remember that chart  but I"ll find it again.