Was Breaking UP With her the Right thing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

About a month ago my high functioning BPD girlfriend and i decided to take a break from each other. We were living to gather at the time and fighting every week it seemed, the typical pull me close push me away ups and downs that everybody on here has gone throw. I had tried to get her to go to counseling while we were together because i had suspected BPD but she refused. after a huge fight one night and me telling her it was over she moved out, at that point she decided to try counseling so she could try and mend things with us she didn't want to loose me. i agreed to doing counseling as well to try and rebuild our relationship, because i didnt want to loose her either i love her very much but i couldnt keep up this vicious cycle. so we did counseling at separate times for the last three weeks. but things seemed to get worse i tried very hard to listen to her needs and be respectful of her feeling while keeping distance between us like the counselor had advised me to do. but it seemed whatever i did it wasn't the right thing to help her. So from the advice from my family and friends i ended the relationship no more contact as of last monday. But now i am Struggling very hard if it was the right thing or not because she was going to counselimg, and she was getting somewhere but i couldnt handle her BPD anymore. it was taking a toll on me DID I DO THE RIGHT THING WOULD SHE HAVED CHANGED OVER TIME. With enough counseling i feel like all we went throw in the last year and now she is getting help and i  just walked out on her Would realy like some feed Back Thanks             

[skidoo28]

About a month ago my high functioning BPD girlfriend and i decided to take a break from each other. We were living to gather at the time and fighting every week it seemed, the typical pull me close push me away ups and downs that everybody on here has gone throw. I had tried to get her to go to counseling while we were together because i had suspected BPD but she refused. after a huge fight one night and me telling her it was over she moved out, at that point she decided to try counseling so she could try and mend things with us she didn't want to loose me. i agreed to doing counseling as well to try and rebuild our relationship, because i didnt want to loose her either i love her very much but i couldnt keep up this vicious cycle. so we did counseling at separate times for the last three weeks. but things seemed to get worse i tried very hard to listen to her needs and be respectful of her feeling while keeping distance between us like the counselor had advised me to do. but it seemed whatever i did it wasn't the right thing to help her. So from the advice from my family and friends i ended the relationship no more contact as of last monday. But now i am Struggling very hard if it was the right thing or not because she was going to counselimg, and she was getting somewhere but i couldnt handle her BPD anymore. it was taking a toll on me DID I DO THE RIGHT THING WOULD SHE HAVED CHANGED OVER TIME. With enough counseling i feel like all we went throw in the last year and now she is getting help and i  just walked out on her Would realy like some feed Back Thanks             

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi skidoo-

i love her very much but i couldnt keep up this vicious cycle.

And that's the conflict most of us are faced with when we get to this point; your head knows what the right thing to do is but your heart protests.  We understand.

DID I DO THE RIGHT THING WOULD SHE HAVED CHANGED OVER TIME.

That depends on what the goal is.  Even with counseling progress is very slow for borderlines and there is no cure for the disorder, only ways to temper the extreme emotions and become more aware, but if you're committed, you're committed.

You didn't ask for my advice, but to offer it, I wouldn't do anything for a while, a week is no time at all after a year-long relationship, and we get caught in the fog in these relationships, as it's called, an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt, and that takes a while to clear.  And as it does your perceptions of her, you and the relationship will change and you'll begin to detach emotionally.  Is that something you're willing to do?  You can always make decisions regarding a relationship with her later, but it's best to make those decisions when you're centered and grounded yes?

[FallBack!Monster]

About a month ago my high functioning BPD girlfriend and i decided to take a break from each other. We were living to gather at the time and fighting every week it seemed, the typical pull me close push me away ups and downs that everybody on here has gone throw. I had tried to get her to go to counseling while we were together because i had suspected BPD but she refused. after a huge fight one night and me telling her it was over she moved out, at that point she decided to try counseling so she could try and mend things with us she didn't want to loose me. i agreed to doing counseling as well to try and rebuild our relationship, because i didnt want to loose her either i love her very much but i couldnt keep up this vicious cycle. so we did counseling at separate times for the last three weeks. but things seemed to get worse i tried very hard to listen to her needs and be respectful of her feeling while keeping distance between us like the counselor had advised me to do. but it seemed whatever i did it wasn't the right thing to help her. So from the advice from my family and friends i ended the relationship no more contact as of last monday. But now i am Struggling very hard if it was the right thing or not because she was going to counselimg, and she was getting somewhere but i couldnt handle her BPD anymore.
1... .

it was taking a toll on me

2... .

DID I DO THE RIGHT THING WOULD SHE HAVED CHANGED OVER TIME.

Yes you did. The second quote, your decision to end it, makes sense because of the first quote.
When you learn to understand and appreciate your ex while she's once again in front of you, then you can think of building another (type of) relationship, if still possible. If you believe that in the long run, given what you have already learned about  her and the disorder, its going to have the same unhealthy effect on you then... .hmmmm.
My ex doesn't know this but I so much wish I could have her back. I want to some times just scream it. But since I know how committed I am, my loyal can very well be my worst enemy. So I choke on my desires and pretend, waiting for the day I no longer have to. I hope I said something here.

[skidoo28]

thanks for the advice yes it would be easier to make those decisions when i'm grounded. thing of it is i really do want to be with her but my mind tells me to run and my heart says stay. i guess the the biggest question i have is do BPDs ever change there mind set with counseling if they really want to my xgf is trying really hard to make positive changes. her BPD comes from PTSD from child hold.
  

I welcome any advice thanks  

[CooperD]

Hi Skidoo,

The questions you raise about whether it would get better are ones that have been burning through my head for weeks/months/years.  If you havent seen any of my previous posts my wife flew US to UK last weekend to file me with divorce papers and has cut all contact with me since.

I always thought:

- If i get married to her things will get better = it got worse

-  If only I go to counselling with her it would get better = it got worse (she saw counselling as a way to get people on her side against me).  When they infact challenged her behaviours she accused one of them for being homsexual and being attracted to me hence he sided with me and the others were diismissed as incompetent

- If I bought her the home she wanted she would be happy = she wasn't and told me that she hated living there.

- If I introduced her to all my friends she would feel involved and centre of my life = she didnt / instead she got into serious arguments with all my friends and tried to distance me from them.

I guess my point is and this is something my doctor said on Wednesday - the condition can be managed to varying degrees but it will always be there just waiting in the wings to come out.  Do you want to live with that uncertainty and instability ? It has pushed me to the point of complete despair - financially almost ruined me, damaged my physical health and my mental health.  About two months ago I was having suicidal thoughts and also thinking of just disappearing.  All as a consequence of the turmoil of the relationship.

For me once I had been split black there was quite literally nothing I could do - I was like the devil to her responsible for her every woe.  I had even reached the point of having to hide the knifes in the kitchen because I thought she may try to kill herself or me. 

Only you know what you feel but as someone who went along with everything for so long thinking it would get better in the end  - I really wish I had listened to my core instinct and those who loved me and left her a long time ago. 

[skidoo28]

yes you did randB34 thanks for the input i am doing the very same thing i want so bad to reach out to her but i know that i cant and that i should just move on which i'm trying to do. i just keep asking myself what if i know i cant fix her problems i tried to long to do that. now shes trying to fix her problems and i just walked away when i feel like that was the time i should have been there for her.   but in the end i know i have to do what makes me feel good. it just feels like a loose loose situation    

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi skidoo-

her BPD comes from PTSD from child hold.

To clarify, PTSD doesn't cause BPD, but whatever trauma caused the PTSD could have been a factor in BPD as well, and then of course where did that information come from and was it a reliable source?

Don't know if you've read this article but it's great for where you are:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[skidoo28]

yes i have read that article thanks  the information came from her therapist she allow the therapist to talk with me in private sessions to better understand what was going on.     

[skidoo28]

CooperD that sounds just like what i was going through it seemed whatever i thought would make things better  didn't. no matter how hard i tried thank you! for the advice i know what i should do... .   its just really hard as you know but hearing it from others that have lived it helpss alottttt   thank you   

[Rayban]

Hi Skidoo,

I think you took the right decision by going no contact. If only to give YOURSELF time to reflect and work on yourself. As you mentioned in your post three weeks of counceling only made things worse. While three weeks is very little in terms of seeing the benefits of counceling, you should at the very least seen some ACTIONS that she was trying to improve herself and the relationship, but she didn't.

I think most people who go no contact will hit the denial stage. I know I continuously questioned if I did the right thing. I bombarded myself with a ton of maybes. Maybe If I try harder she will change. Maybe I should of stayed and help her with her disorder.  Etc.

The advice I will give you is use your no contact time wisely.  Given the nature of these relationships,  it is extremely easy to get caught up on what they are doing. Concentrate on your well being.