She emailed me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Some of you may have followed my tragic experience with BPDexgf, she is still with replacement... 1.7 years since I was ghosted, a couple of recent attempts of contact but I have her blocked on everything now and Im still strict NC... was my birthday last week and she has emailed me simply saying happy birthday hope you are well, hmmm... .is this her guilt and further attempt to be friends? what does it all mean?, does anybody think she just wants me to be friendly with her so she can feel better about what she has done? to convince herself im still hooked, to make my replacement jealous... who knows wish i knew... this far into detachment and im having serious set backs with depression and loneliness and thinking about her and what she did to me all day long again, amazing how far i had got and was almost over it, yet suddenly it all comes rushing back  any advice or suggestions as to why she may still be contacting me would be appreciated, if anybody has read my previous posts and knows my story their input would be great too, its been quite a journey and all your views and comments in the past have truely helped me in getting through this experience, thank you, love Ricky x

[Rickybee]

Some of you may have followed my tragic experience with BPDexgf, she is still with replacement... 1.7 years since I was ghosted, a couple of recent attempts of contact but I have her blocked on everything now and Im still strict NC... was my birthday last week and she has emailed me simply saying happy birthday hope you are well, hmmm... .is this her guilt and further attempt to be friends? what does it all mean?, does anybody think she just wants me to be friendly with her so she can feel better about what she has done? to convince herself im still hooked, to make my replacement jealous... who knows wish i knew... this far into detachment and im having serious set backs with depression and loneliness and thinking about her and what she did to me all day long again, amazing how far i had got and was almost over it, yet suddenly it all comes rushing back  any advice or suggestions as to why she may still be contacting me would be appreciated, if anybody has read my previous posts and knows my story their input would be great too, its been quite a journey and all your views and comments in the past have truely helped me in getting through this experience, thank you, love Ricky x

[enlighten me]

Hi Ricky

I dont have advice as such but some observations from my perspective.

NC is great if you dont have to deal with them but it isnt  a cure its just avoiding the problem. I have children with both my uBPD ecs and in the begining dealing with them was very triggering. Now they dont bother me.

Im not saying you should re engage with your ex but maybe examining what triggers you and dealing with that might work.

[Rickybee]

Thank you for your reply, I really want to be able to forgive... but it's just not possible what she did was too awful, I guess its all still triggering, just replaying the moment I discovered her affair in my head is enough to cripple me, i remember the joy on her face as my world ended, I'm not sure whats she is trying to do by contacting me, its all guess work... its too painful to ever be friends I guess

[Rickybee]

Feeling very tempted to reply to the email and simply ask, what is it you aim to achieve by messaging me but then im breaking my strict NC... would this be a bad idea?

[enlighten me]

When I realised my exgf had cheated on me it hurt. Ive come to realise that my ego is what held me back and made the pain greater. I believed I wasnt of much worth but now I realise im not worthless and she wasnt deserving of my love. She did it because she has a mental health problem and that is no reflection on me.

Ask yourself wjat your goal is by responding? Is it to hirt her or make you feel better. Will it solve anything?

I personally wouldnt respond if i was in your shoes but our circumstances are different.

[Warcleods]

I don't know the full extent of your situation but something is very clear.  You're more concerned about her than you are about yourself and that's why you haven't been able to let go.  You'll never know her purpose for reaching out and regardless of how she decides to spin the reason, would knowing really make you feel any better?  It sounds like you are clinging on to a glimmer of hope where none exists.    She's probably not incapable of caring in some capacity but there is a reason she reached out and it has nothing to do with your best interests.  I believe that people who have BPD traits are incapable of really putting themselves in the shoes of others and allowing that emotion to guide healthy decision making.  They act on impulse, set aside consequence  and how their decisions will affect others hence the black and white thinking.  At the end of the day, it's always all about them.  My ex uBPD actually convinced her ex husband that an open marriage would be the salvation of their relationship.  And guess what, she tried to tactfully convince me of the same thing once she used up everything should could get out of me.   It had absolutely nothing to do with saving the relationship and everything to do with feeding her toxic addiction to craving attention to feel good about herself.

If it has been 1.7 years and you are not feeling any better and have not moved on from this, you're way overdue and should seek some guidance and therapy.  If you've already done that and there were no results, keep searching for someone that can actually help you.