About to blast him

[Larmoyant]

Last year I helped one of my ex's students with her research and we became friends. Not close, but we'd touch down every now and then. I haven't seen her this year as I've been avoiding anyone connected with him. She contacted me today to say she'd completed her PhD and wanted to thank me for helping. I already knew this as my ex had emailed me. My ex had told me that she'd developed a crush on him, that she massaged his feet, and it had gone too far and he'd had to arrange for another person to be present when she consulted with him. He said this had made her cry. According to her this is all lies and she's very insulted and so am I, he'd told her that he wasn't seeing me anymore the same month he proposed to me. Apparently, he's said a few other things about me and she wants to meet up to discuss it all. I am really, really angry and I am on the verge of letting him have it. Is this a good idea? I'd like to call him out for the lying, horrible, sadistic bully he is.

[flourdust]

Of course it's not a good idea.

I've been following your story for a while, Larmoyant. The impression I have is that you're not being very honest, either with us or yourself. There's some reason, some not very healthy reason, why you're continuing to engage with this guy, both through contact and through letting him rent the penthouse apartment in your head.

If you want to move past this, I'd encourage you to try to work out -- here in the forums, or on your own, or with a therapist or friends -- why that is.

If you don't want to move on, then I'd encourage you to confront that truth rather than pretending you want to disengage, and figure out what you're getting out of this and what you really want.

[stimpy]

Is this a good idea?

No, it is buying into the drama he is creating, and revealing that you are still invested in what he does and says. It is exactly what he wants.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi L-

First, congratulations for helping someone get their PhD!

I am really, really angry and I am on the verge of letting him have it. Is this a good idea?

It depends on the goal.  If you want to detach from him and remove him from your life entirely, maybe not a bad idea for someone you consider a "lying, horrible, sadistic bully", then no, it's not a good idea, in fact engaging with him at all wouldn't be.  But if you do want some sort of ongoing relationship with him, and you can expect some resolution after grievances are aired, then yes; if we can't bring up issues with our friends then they're not really friends yes?

Apparently, he's said a few other things about me and she wants to meet up to discuss it all.

And that's the beginning of some potential triangulation, so again, what's the goal?  You mention she's not a close friend, and maybe it would be good to not discuss negative issues from a relationship you used to be in; you might ask yourself would doing that contribute to your empowered future or hinder it?

[Skip]

he'd told her that he wasn't seeing me anymore the same month he proposed to me. Apparently, he's said a few other things about me and she wants to meet up to discuss it all.

If you want to get together, this is not a good idea.

If you want to detach, this is not a goof idea.

If you want drama, this is a great idea!

It's silly to breath life into this old issue - and you know that.

The bigger issue is that you are don't want to let go of the relationship.

[Larmoyant]

The bigger issue is that you are don't want to let go of the relationship.

I've given this a lot of thought. My initial response was not true, then maybe, then yes and no, finally ok 'yes'. I'll explain.  I seem to be struggling between two widely differing states. A struggle between my head and my heart. I thought my head was winning, but maybe it's not.

Here is a quick update which highlights it. I decided not to meet with her, but we talked some more. She contradicted herself and I became confused. She said he was a difficult, dominant man, a liar, cutting at times, but at the same time in her opinion loved me and wanted me back. The next day he emailed me with a request for money he says I owe him. Money he's previously said I don't owe him. As usual I struggled with a response or even if I should respond. NC vs LC, anger vs compassion, head vs heart.

Totally exhausted I ended up writing, "This just makes me cry. I'll respond when I've gathered my thoughts". His response "I don't see why it should make you cry. I'm the one waiting for the money". I couldn't bring myself to respond further, but am left wondering WTH is going on in my mind.

1. I am hurting and don't want to give up on a person who has the power to stop that, yet at the same time I 'know' he cannot be consistent, isn't stable and after a brief honeymoon period would hurt me again, over and over, guaranteed. Leading me to this:

2. I don't want to be abused anymore. I want to detach. I'm not pretending, I want to have a future. My efforts to disengage, to detach are very real to me, and I've made progress. At times it seems as if my head is stronger. I've managed to physically stay away from him and mostly stay out of circular conversations, but maybe my heart is really winning. I'm struggling with very difficult emotions which are traps. They keep me from pulling the plug.

As if I'm not confused enough already I also struggle with resolution. I'd like it to end well, without resentment. With my feelings balanced, neither angry with him nor sorry for him. I don't want to/can't be his friend and I don't want to be his enemy. I want to feel 'in the middle'. It hurts to feel angry and it hurts to feel too much compassion. I don't know why. All I know is that anger helps keeps me away and compassion is part of what keeps me there. 

At times, after I've read the staying/improving boards it crosses my mind that I could try some of the strategies, but then I flip again because it all seems so difficult. I don't want this kind of relationship, it's too destructive and painful, and I don't want to do battle with BPD knowing it's probably a losing one (in my case not everyone's ). I know I couldn't take any more of the push/pull. I might even be engaging in the same behaviour myself. Right now. I'm going back and forth between these two different states and its most likely reflected in my responses to him and maybe that's why he keeps contacting me. So now I'm not being fair to him.

I don't know it all just hurts. I am tired. Stuck and tired.

[lovenature]

Any contact/response from you shows him an attachment is still there.

He can't truly make you feel better, I really struggled with trying to make it work with my ex.; so hoping we could help each other find happiness. Truth is we have to love ourselves before we can love someone else.