My partner is breaking me

[nikkif]

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and have known him since school. It took a fair few months for his symptoms to show when we first met, but we talked and I figured he just had a problem dealing with anger and that was why his reactions could get so extreme. I am not an argumentative person so I really struggled to deal with so much conflict between us, especially when it seemed to be so unnecessary - but aside from these lows we had an amazing relationship, he was compassionate, kind and charismatic, so I decided to just work through the bad patches and try and steer him towards some help.

After just over a year together my family sold the home I was living in and I decided to move in with my boyfriend. He lived about two hours from me as he was studying at university, but circumstances were a bit difficult for me in London and I decided to move out of the city so I could afford to live. We have a beautiful flat together and whilst it was probably a premature decision looking back, it has been wonderful living here at times. However things have also been really tough. My boyfriend has dropped out of university and to retake a year as a result of his anxiety and poor mental health, he has been back and forth to the GP over and over but nobody really seems to be taking this seriously as he tends to downplay his symptoms and hates discussing his mental health with a "stranger".

For a while I believed he was just anxious, but the way his emotions were so fragile and volatile and the all-consuming anger and hatred he would experience at the smallest slight made me question whether that was all that was happening. He constantly forgets what he has said and arguments we have had as if he has blocked them from his memory, he is terrified I will abandon him and reacts pre-emptively (he has tried to break up with me twice because he has thought I was going to leave him and then begged to get back together, he constantly tells me he is waiting for me to decide I can't take it and leave him and he genuinely believes this will happen so there is no point trying to change it). He will misinterpret the most innocent of comments or actions as some kind of rejection or attack, and then he becomes extremely aggressive. When we talk about these moments afterwards he explains how powerless he is, how he reacts and has no idea what he is saying or doing, and he will then spend the next few days feeling guilty and idolising me. There are so many signs pointing to BPD (he had a very traumatic, abusive childhood) and when I began to educate myself on the condition it was an enormous relief to see that his behaviours were not unique, that others were experiencing the same pain and suffering as us. He has not had a formal diagnosis but he is taking anti-depressants, no matter how much I push for a referral to a psychiatrist with his GP it has not happened and it is so incredibly frustrating. He has been referred for some short-term counselling but refuses to go. So I feel extremely stuck and his condition is worsening.

I cannot stress how compatible and deeply connected we are when my partner is not experiencing his BPD, which has made it so much harder to consider leaving him. However, things has become unbearable in the past few months and I am feeling more worn down and broken than I ever have done by his constant emotional abuse and accusations, I feel sucked into his world to the extent that I am beginning to believe the things he tells me about myself and it is filling me with doubt and uncertainty about my actions. He constantly berates me over the smallest things at the moment and I feel abused and battered. I do not have family or friends in this area so it is incredibly lonely, I have nowhere to go when I need to get out of the house. I am also the only one of us working and I work in an emotionally demanding job with extremely vulnerable young people. I have not told many people what is going on with my boyfriend and those I have explained the situation to do not realise the extent of it. I know this is a bad idea and I should be more open but I honestly don't know how to articulate what is happening, and I fear people will judge my partner as they have in the past when I have opened up, and I want to keep my workplace as my own and discussing my boyfriend there somehow taints the safe space I have there. His family are not very educated about mental health and were the ones who created the abusive conditions he grew up in, so it is difficult to turn to them although they pressurise me constantly about the fact that I am not looking after him well enough. In short, i'm really isolated and I feel a huge sense of responsibility to hold things together for other people. I am only 22 and trying to navigate adult life and the beginning of my career alongside all of this, it is just becoming too much. I see a therapist once a week and that is the only release I have.

My boyfriend is in the middle of a seriously bad patch and is either being abusive or completely shutting me out and ignoring me, it has been like this everyday for the last two weeks. This is the worst it has ever been and I can't help but react to his attempts to provoke me. I am crying constantly which just infuriates him and makes him worse, I know I need a way to remain composed when he is being aggressive or abusive but being this worn down I really struggle not to react or feel hurt by what is happening (when things are generally better I am able to react way more appropriately in dark moments). I never hold it against him and as soon as he is ready I have open arms and show him love, but in the moment I can't help but argue back at times or try and engage in the conversation. I'm sorry for the essay but needed to get this all off my chest. Any advice would be much appreciated. My head is telling me very clearly that I cannot live like this anymore, but I love my partner and know this is an illness and not him. How much should I take? When do you get out?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lockjaw]

I am not an argumentative person so I really struggled to deal with so much conflict between us, especially when it seemed to be so unnecessary - but aside from these lows we had an amazing relationship, he was compassionate, kind and charismatic, so I decided to just work through the bad patches and try and steer him towards some help.

This is my relationship with my GF. She has a fear of abandonment, and she also likes to "tell everyone what they need to do in their yard, but don't tell her what she needs to do in hers". Ask your therapist about that. HAHA.

We get along great most of the time. Until the opinions start. If she senses at all I don't place value on them, then she get angry. She can read  me like a book too, so lying, or faking it doesn't work well. What keeps me with her is how much I enjoy her in my space. I have always had a big personal space, and didn't like people in it, or if they were, not for very long. She lets me be me a lot of the time and does nice things for me. She loves my sons, and I love hers. But the constant bickering wears me down.


Here is what I would say to you. If you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and I would not spend it on someone who has issues like this. People tend to think love conquers all, and I am here to tell you from personal experience it doesn't. It successful long term relationship is hard in and of itself, and when you add in the complexity of BPD, wow.

And if you think its bad now, get married, have a couple kids and get a divorce. Then you are tied to him for the rest of your life. You can't control what he does with the kids when he has them either. And going back to court once you have done the whole divorce and custody, at least here in the states is a royal PITA.

And your kids will see this behavior.

I hate to be that cold about it. I struggle with it myself, but I am more than 2 times your age. I look at my beautiful GF sometimes and just grieve that she has this problem. I would hate to cast her aside because of it, but may end up doing it if I can't come to terms with the very real unfairness of the relationship. She will get to say and do things I can't. Yes that means I am the bigger person and take the high road, but sometimes, in all candor, the high road sucks.

If he will see a therapist, find one her will see that has experience. Otherwise, I would cut my losses. Good luck to you, I truly understand how frustrated you feel.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome! Many people here go through just what you do - I think you'll find we understand you!

You are 22. That is young - you have a very long life ahead of you. It is not up to anyone else to decide your life - that is your choice - but a life with a BPD takes a lot of energy. There is a good chance he will be this way for life. Can you handle that? Perhaps he can get therapy and things will get a little easier, but they will never BE easy. Living with a BPD will always be a rollercoaster.

I don't think anyone would judge you for leaving - if that's what you need to do. It would be the hardest thing to do - but it may also be the best.

You may also choose to stay. Many of us have. Staying takes a lot of effort. There are skills we can learn to make life a little easier - to help us become more emotionally strong - to be able to withstand their storms.

But the choice is yours. We can help you with either choice.

[Lockjaw]

Can I say "run Forest run?"

[flourdust]

It's your choice whether to stay or go.

One thing I will comment on is the idea that you have a real boyfriend and a separate BPD boyfriend who sometimes controls him and can perhaps be made to go away. That is, unfortunately, not true. The BPD is real, it's a core part of him, and it won't go away. You may learn some skills to try to manage the severity of his behavior or to protect yourself by enforcing boundaries, but this is who he is.

[nikkif]

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. Honestly I'm feeling hopeful having found this community. I spent the majority of last night going through threads and have discovered more useful advice here in one evening than I have in the past two years trying to seek professional help. I know there is a lot I am not doing or am doing inconsistently that is aggravating the situation. I suppose my attitude is that I want to try everything possible to make this work before jumping ship, but I am just a bit worn down and struggling to take care of myself in my situation.

I think you are right that I see the BPD as separate from my boyfriend and that is inaccurate and unhelpful - I believe he does this too, and hasn't really accepted that this is a part of him. I suppose when I talk about his illness not being him what I mean is that his actions are not something he chooses or controls. I try to distinguish the way he treats me from the person he is to remind myself that he isn't consciously trying to hurt me or others around him.

I know I am young and a life with a BPD partner is not an easy route. I can see how resilient you have to become, and I have already begun that journey for myself so I know it is deeply testing. I have always thought I will know when enough is enough - but I just feel unable to leave my boyfriend to face this mountain alone, I know how afraid he is and I don't want to abandon him or leave him to deteriorate. Like I said his family are pretty unsupportive and dont believe he has any issues with his mental health, I dont think they believe mental health issues are a real thing to be honest. We are saving to see a private psychiatrist and he is going to try seeing a private therapist long-term. Its crappy that he isn't getting anything near the treatment and support he needs on the NHS but that is the reality here in the UK at the moment. I feel I would cope better with everything if I weren't so isolated and had people to talk to who understood the situation. Even these posts have felt  like a big deal so thank you.

[ElinorD]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I know just what you mean about someone like him forgetting what he said and somehow forgetting whole arguments or how they were resolved. That was one of my clues lately that led me to realize BPD is what I'm dealing with in my marriage.

I've been thinking lately about what I would tell my 22YO self if I could, about my relationship with my DH, who I was dating at that time.

I would say that when he shows you what he's like believe him. Not only the good parts. The bad parts are also real.

I would say that you can't "outyear" it. I actually thought that once enough years of stability and faithfulness and love happened in his life, more years than he had experienced of unhappy family life growing up, that it would naturally heal him. There are even books on attachment issues that suggest the best thing is to find a secure partner. But it doesn't work that way. They have to realize they have a problem, want to fix it, and put in the work. We can't fix them, no matter how selfless we are.

And I would say think of your children. It's one thing for me to be strong through his anger, moods, criticism, etc. But imagine your precious children in that vulnerable situation. Would you choose to put them through that?

It's good that I can't go back in time to make a choice, because I love my kids so very, very much that I could never trade them for any others. But if I could be free from the misery of this relationship and not ever have put my kids through it, I'd get away. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Love and hope to you.

[ArleighBurke]

I wonder what i would tell my 22YO self... .

I would also tell my 22YO self to walk away. The first year of relationship he is showing you his best! It will probably only get worse as life gets more stressful (jobs, kids). As much as I would love to save them, I believe a BPD is unsaveable. (We can help keep them afloat, at a cost to us, but we can't save them).  And I believe there is no such person as "the one for me" - there are many more people who you can love.

But if I was 22 I also know I wouldn't listen!

[ArleighBurke]

Honestly I'm feeling hopeful having found this community. I spent the majority of last night going through threads and have discovered more useful advice here in one evening than I have in the past two years trying to seek professional help.

You're welcome!

If you want to learn, there is a lot of wisdom here. Practical advice form people who live it everyday.

Hopefully you've found this page: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

I suggest you start with Validation. Post some conversations and let us quide you... .

[Lockjaw]

I wonder what i would tell my 22YO self... .

I would also tell my 22YO self to walk away. The first year of relationship he is showing you his best! It will probably only get worse as life gets more stressful (jobs, kids). As much as I would love to save them, I believe a BPD is unsaveable. (We can help keep them afloat, at a cost to us, but we can't save them).  And I believe there is no such person as "the one for me" - there are many more people who you can love.

But if I was 22 I also know I wouldn't listen!

Yes and when you get married, for some reason, the stuff you didn't do before you got married seems ok now that you are, because, you know, vows are forever. It tended to make me think, hey we committed for life.

The thing you have to remember is there is NOTHING you can do to fix him. He is what he is. He will never get better. He will always be what he is. You will have to get adjusted to being wrong. Even when you aren't.

I have been dating my GF for close to 20 months. The first couple arguments, over really dumb stuff, really stumped me. I couldn't figure out why it was such a big deal. It took me about 3 or 4 sessions with my counselor to figure out it was BPD, which was a betrayal to my GF. I should not have said anything about her to my therapist, according to her. It didn't matter that I was seeking a solution.

That is on my permanent record, and probably about as bad a sin as if I had had sex with another woman. Can I give you more examples?

She said I was leading a woman on because I liked a couple of comments she made on Facebook about bad customer service at a local fast food restaurant. The woman used my name in a response, I never said hers, or looked at her. I even asked some of the women in my neighborhood page had I done anything inappropriate and they all said no. But my GF, forget it. She was Defcon 5. I even said, what about the other woman and the guy who said my name, was I leading them on too? No answer.

My youngest son has some anger issues, and no filter. He got mad at his older brother and said he was going to kill him, my GF and her son. He is prone to saying outlandish things like that. So I said something to my ex about it. My GF hit the roof, said I had NO RIGHT to tell my ex without consulting her first.

She got upset because my Ex and her boyfriend (whole other story) whose house she lives in had some behavior issues they needed to talk to me about over the summer. It took them too long, and because of that, I was late leaving to head out of state to meet my parents to drop my kids off, which in turn made me late getting back to see her. WOW! You talk about hot. The 3 of us all were outside my house coming up with a game plan and singing coom by ya (however you spell it) and all this and we didn't include her. And I was being a moron because I was standing up for my ex and thinking she would actually step up, and that she has done more for my kids than she has. All I said was they shared their concerns, there was no game plan, and that I didn't expect she would do much, but anything positive was better than the nothing I get now. Oh HECK NO! She wasn't done. Then she wanted credit for coming up with something about my son, and I finally had to say, I came up with that before I ever met you, so you weren't the first person to figure that out.

She will fuss at me if I look at my phone if we are out eating. The other day, one of her neighbors she doesn't know, committed suicide. So we are out eating, and I ate my whole meal while she was messaging a guy in their neighborhood about it, and trying to find his widow on the internet. I didn't say anything until later on. She got on my case about something at her house, and I said in a very nice and calm voice, hey what about you being on your phone the entire meal? I would have gotten in trouble if I had done that. Well then the justification starts. I wouldn't budge, I said, you have physically taken my phone from me. So then I get "ARE YOU F'N KIDDING ME? MY NEIGHBOR DIED". I said a neighbor you have no relationship with, and save your rightous indignation for someone else.

So I was told to go home, and not to call her the next morning or afternoon. Why I complied, I was then punishing her. She never got what upset me, which is its ALWAYS ok for her to do something that its not ok for me to do.

I know some of you people with more experience are probably shaking your head and maybe chuckling or wanting to reach through your PC and strangle me because I could have not done things that throw gas on the fires, but... .I say this to give you some examples of what kinds of things you can expect.


And let me say, my GF has a very sweet, soft tender side. And she guards it like you wouldn't believe. She does nice things for me often, even when she is angry with me, or me with her. She has many many qualities, yet she never seems to get why people don't listen to her "expert" advice. I can't tell her. I have tried. She just has to weigh in, she has to say. She cannot help it. She can temper it for a while, but in the end, she will eventually open her mouth, and when she does, it usually starts an argument.

Sorry to write a book. I, like you, struggle with the concept of leaving an obviously injured person out there. Unlike you though, I am old, and I have 2 divorces and a whole host of decisions I made, that now, I wish someone had told me, HEY DON"T DO THAT! YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU... .please don't give serious consideration to what you want out of life and if you can deal with waking up at 50 and wishing you had done a bunch of things different. I face that reality every day, not to mention the reality that I don't have 50 more years for a do-over, and if I had as much sense to follow my own advice as the advice I have given you, I would run for the hills and never look back.

Good luck my dear. I feel your pain, I really do.

[nikkif]

I wonder what i would tell my 22YO self... .

I would also tell my 22YO self to walk away. The first year of relationship he is showing you his best! It will probably only get worse as life gets more stressful (jobs, kids). As much as I would love to save them, I believe a BPD is unsaveable. (We can help keep them afloat, at a cost to us, but we can't save them).  And I believe there is no such person as "the one for me" - there are many more people who you can love.

But if I was 22 I also know I wouldn't listen!

Sorry to write a book. I, like you, struggle with the concept of leaving an obviously injured person out there. Unlike you though, I am old, and I have 2 divorces and a whole host of decisions I made, that now, I wish someone had told me, HEY DON"T DO THAT! YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU... .please don't give serious consideration to what you want out of life and if you can deal with waking up at 50 and wishing you had done a bunch of things different. I face that reality every day, not to mention the reality that I don't have 50 more years for a do-over, and if I had as much sense to follow my own advice as the advice I have given you, I would run for the hills and never look back.

Good luck my dear. I feel your pain, I really do.

I really see where you are coming from, it is hard to consider the rest of my life being spent in such an imbalanced relationship, many of those situations you've described sound similar to things I have experienced, I am often so amazed at how 2 people who have experienced the same events can have such starkly different stories and ideas about what has happened. Somehow you will always be the villain, I get that, and I see the way my partner can manipulate just about anything to make me look like an uncaring ass and no matter how hard I try to rationalise his way of thinking, something will get through and touch a nerve with me, I will feel hurt that I am perceived like that. Even last night I got a tirade of abusive texts about how selfish I am, all the ways I am hurting my partner and how I haven't tried to help him through any of this. its hard to take when you are giving everything you can, probably too much of yourself, to support someone and they think you are trying to harm them. But that is the nature of the beast and I know his version of reality is skewed, but very real to him. Arguing back or trying to prove your point will never works and 9 times out of 10 makes everything worse.

I suppose a choice to stay now is not me committing forever. I know I am young, there is no urgency to start a family or really settle down yet at this point in my life so I figure I have time to try and help my boyfriend work through this. I know he will always be this way, but when he hasn't had proper treatment or even a diagnosis yet and I have only just started to learn how to make things easier for us surely there is a chance we may improve. He is desperate to do something and very self-aware, in good periods he is on a level with me and can point out all of the issues with his behaviour, he knows something is not right and he just wants peace. I know this may sound naive or like wishful thinking and perhaps I will be proven incredibly wrong - but this is the reason I haven't ended things already, I dont want to run away from someone I love prematurely when there was more time and more we could do to deal with things. It will be harder to leave the longer this goes on, but it's going to be insanely hard regardless. I also feel that if the time does come, I know he will want nothing to do with me and will see it as the ultimate betrayl if I leave, which probably rules out the possibility of having any kind of relationship after the break up. I care deeply him and even if we break up, would always want to be in his life and there to offer support. It sucks.

One thing I am curious about, do you find that your partners are the same way with other loved ones, friends and family? I really struggle with the fact that my boyfriend seems only capable of feeling this much rage towards me, he is a lot more rational with other friends and certain family members and doesn't rewrite narratives in the same way to make them out as nasty people out to get him. It feels as if it is all saved for me, because I am closest. I dont really know if that is typical or not but I almost wish I observed him behaving the same way towards others just to know that it isn't just me or my fault.

[Lockjaw]

All of my research has lead me to believe that these people are this way with their immediate family and their "NEO" if you have ever watched the movie The Matrix. Most other people will not see it. My counselor was instrumental in getting me to understand this.

My biggest challenge is not taking it personally, and trying to throttle my GF back. Just this AM, she was grilling me about a rental property I have, and where the attorney was in the process of getting the tenant out. Really, an issue that she has no standing to be involved in, and when I asked her just to look up the process of Unlawful Detainer online, she got snappy about it. She really comes across as though I am sitting in a status update from my boss on the progress of getting the company's rental property back. Does that make sense?

She doesn't seem to grasp its HOW she says things. She excused it by saying she just likes to get details. Which is another frustration I have, its she is not able to see SHE is the problem. It's not me.

My best male friend can tell me anything critical. He always does it a particular way. He asks me if I would listen to his opinion/advice. He will tell me I probably won't like it, and that he cares about me and that I can tell him to shut up at any time. Then he tells me, in a very nice neutral way. I can hear anyone's criticism that way. It doesn't make me defensive. My GF has been told this same story many times, and yet she still persists in just bluntly saying things, and they way she says them, its like she is an authority on the subject.

Since we are pretty much anonymous people here, let me tell you more dark secrets (mistakes) from my past. My first wife was likely BPD. She had an affair, and filed for divorce. We didn't have children, so this shouldn't have been a big deal, except that we had a house and 17 acre's and a ton of equity in it. The house used to belong to a relative of hers, who died, and we bought it from the widow. Of course I was angry at being betrayed, so I made up my mind when I hired an attorney, I was keeping that house. She wasn't going to get it, and I knew she wanted it. I hired a PI and we cold busted her cheating. I mean cold busted. So I kept the house. And she ended up getting less than half what she wanted as far as equity.

Well I was older, and wanted kids, actually just wanted one. I started dating immediately, which was a colossal mistake. I loved my now ex, I hadn't planned on a divorce. It's not like we were just done. So I wasn't healed. I got tied up with a woman in my SS class. She sought me out. I had about 6 months of fun with her, and then she lost her marbles and just cut me off. There wasn't an argument, she just cut me off. She had 2 boys I loved to death, and we had talked about having a child, and weren't using any sort of birth control. (Smart I know right). So I went straight from her to my next wife. BIG MISTAKE.

I settled, because I really just wanted a child. I ended up with 2. She had 3 children from a previous marriage. Another mistake. Her ex was crazy. Another mistake. She was a hoarder, another mistake. I thought I could make a difference in her children's life and they would accept me as their step father. A collossal mistake of epic proportions. So, in the end, I wasted 10 years of my life, and spent prob 35K in legal fees to keep her sorry lazy self from getting week on week off custody of my kids. I got custody.

I lost over 17 years of my life with 2 different women. I spent 50K in legal fees between 2 divorces, plus 8k on a PI. Both women took years off my life with the stress and drama. Now don't think for a minute that I am perfect and I didn't do things wrong, I did. But I didn't have and don't have a personality disorder. I have ADD, but... .nothing like BPD.

I turn 50 next month. I could be a CPA but am not. I should have made that my goal when my first divorce was final, but I didn't. It is what hold me back in my career right now. I have experience to do jobs advertised all day long, but I don't have a piece of paper. I have 2 kids that I am on deck for, and no partner to help. I get 300 a month in child support, which really doesn't cover their afterschool care while I work.

And I couldn't study for the exam, because I am wide open from the time I get home until I get the kids in bed.

I say all this to say that bad decisions tend to snowball, AND time slips away from you. I made a choice in my last marriage after my now ex refused to believe her son had sexual contact with our son that I was going to stay until the kids were older, but... .  I didn't touch her and I didn't have sex with her, and rarely spoke to her. That lasted for 6 to 7 years. I felt like to do that was betraying my son's innocence.

So I had a first wife who really wasn't into me, and we didn't have sex very often after we got married, to a second wife who would have had sex with me, but I wouldn't have it with her. So 17 years of nothing. No fulfilling emotional relationship. No hot sex, no joy.

For what?

My joy now, which is fleeting, is found in spending some time in the woods sitting in a tree stand waiting for a deer to come by. All my fun play toys are gone, sold to pay legal fees. No play car, no boat. And I couldn't swing buying one right now, much less a new truck. My truck has 310K miles on it.

I sometimes buy myself something, and it provides me only very temporary happiness.

Find someone who makes you truly happy. Who wants what you want out of life. Who understands you and appreciates you. Get what you want, do not settle. You will end up like me, middle aged and wondering where time went, and wishing you had done things different.