Considering divorce, scared, and tired of being blamed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've never posted to any boards like this before, so here goes.

I've been married for a little over 9 years, and we have 3 kids total.  One child was my wife's from a previous non-marital relationship (with a bi-polar partner, but that's a subject for another time).  The other 2 we had together after we were married. I realized my wife has BPD about 3 years ago. The revelation of her condition has helped me cope a little.  But, the damage may already be done.  I'm just tired of being blamed.  I literally cringe when my wife walks into the room. I mean, this is supposed to be my life partner right?

I'm a modern type husband and father.  I cook (about 90% of meals), I clean (wife basically doesn't), do laundry, and I take care of my kids.  Oh, and I also earn 90% of the family income.  Not to divulge too much, but my salary is very good and I have a very stable work history.  My wife was out of work for few YEARS but somehow didn't have time to watch the kids, cook, or clean anything at all.  In fact I still had to pay for day care and after school care for the kids.  She was always just "too busy" to watch them.

The story has probably been told.  No matter how much I've poured into my wife, it's never been enough.  I've been accused as early as before we were even married of not loving her.  I couldn't have been more in love with her, but she could never see it.  Trust me, it wasn't because a lack of effort or showing either.  I was accused of smothering her too much while we were engaged we almost even called the wedding off.

I think over the years it's been like a self-fulling prophecy for her.  She keeps rejecting my love accusing me of not loving her.  Eventually I get tired of getting rejected and start to give up.  I think this is a common BPD thing.  I've also been falsely accused of cheating.  That hurt, I've never even considered it.  I'm a fiercely loyal person and think cheating is deplorable.  She never even apologized to me for the unfounded accusation... .

Aside from her constant accusations of not loving her, there has also been one other major wedge in our marriage.  This is also related to her BPD and other mental health issues.  We live in over-cluttered, unsanitary conditions.  She is basically a hoarder.  Not as bad as you've seen on TV, but not that far from either.  We can't have people in our house.  It's just disgusting.  It's an unhealthy environment to be raising children.  She just can't get past her anxiety of getting rid of the things.  It's been suggested that I just start throwing the things away.  That type of advice usually comes from people that don't have a BPD spouse I think.

Long story short, the living poor living conditions have been my #1 priority for the last 7 or 8 years.  And, nothing at all has been done.  So, along with the blaming, me seeing that my needs (and children's needs) are not important enough for her to change has led me to being here on this board.

Now I consider divorce.  I would have probably already put the ball in motion, but of course it can't be simple.  The kids.  I love them more than life.  I can't stand the thought of possibly not being next to them every day.  I also cringe at the thought of what non-sense my wife will fill their heads with.

Despite my good record as a father, divorce is an major uphill climb for men.  I don't want to lose my family.  But I also can't go on being blamed for every single thing that goes slightly wrong in her life.

[coach_b]

I've never posted to any boards like this before, so here goes.

I've been married for a little over 9 years, and we have 3 kids total.  One child was my wife's from a previous non-marital relationship (with a bi-polar partner, but that's a subject for another time).  The other 2 we had together after we were married. I realized my wife has BPD about 3 years ago. The revelation of her condition has helped me cope a little.  But, the damage may already be done.  I'm just tired of being blamed.  I literally cringe when my wife walks into the room. I mean, this is supposed to be my life partner right?

I'm a modern type husband and father.  I cook (about 90% of meals), I clean (wife basically doesn't), do laundry, and I take care of my kids.  Oh, and I also earn 90% of the family income.  Not to divulge too much, but my salary is very good and I have a very stable work history.  My wife was out of work for few YEARS but somehow didn't have time to watch the kids, cook, or clean anything at all.  In fact I still had to pay for day care and after school care for the kids.  She was always just "too busy" to watch them.

The story has probably been told.  No matter how much I've poured into my wife, it's never been enough.  I've been accused as early as before we were even married of not loving her.  I couldn't have been more in love with her, but she could never see it.  Trust me, it wasn't because a lack of effort or showing either.  I was accused of smothering her too much while we were engaged we almost even called the wedding off.

I think over the years it's been like a self-fulling prophecy for her.  She keeps rejecting my love accusing me of not loving her.  Eventually I get tired of getting rejected and start to give up.  I think this is a common BPD thing.  I've also been falsely accused of cheating.  That hurt, I've never even considered it.  I'm a fiercely loyal person and think cheating is deplorable.  She never even apologized to me for the unfounded accusation... .

Aside from her constant accusations of not loving her, there has also been one other major wedge in our marriage.  This is also related to her BPD and other mental health issues.  We live in over-cluttered, unsanitary conditions.  She is basically a hoarder.  Not as bad as you've seen on TV, but not that far from either.  We can't have people in our house.  It's just disgusting.  It's an unhealthy environment to be raising children.  She just can't get past her anxiety of getting rid of the things.  It's been suggested that I just start throwing the things away.  That type of advice usually comes from people that don't have a BPD spouse I think.

Long story short, the living poor living conditions have been my #1 priority for the last 7 or 8 years.  And, nothing at all has been done.  So, along with the blaming, me seeing that my needs (and children's needs) are not important enough for her to change has led me to being here on this board.

Now I consider divorce.  I would have probably already put the ball in motion, but of course it can't be simple.  The kids.  I love them more than life.  I can't stand the thought of possibly not being next to them every day.  I also cringe at the thought of what non-sense my wife will fill their heads with.

Despite my good record as a father, divorce is an major uphill climb for men.  I don't want to lose my family.  But I also can't go on being blamed for every single thing that goes slightly wrong in her life.

[david]

First thing is to think it through. You need to talk to a bunch of attorneys and pick one. Every attorney you talk to can't be used by your wife because of a conflict.  Figure out a plan. Document, document, document. If you can show that you are doing 90% of everything you will probably get majority time. You will need , I believe, about 4 to 6 months worth of proof. Again, talk to your attorney about that.
Does your wife see the hoarding as a problem. If so, can you convince/ help her get counseling ?

[lpheal]

I'm a modern type husband and father... . 

... .No matter how much I've poured into my wife, it's never been enough... . 

... .I would have probably already put the ball in motion, but of course it can't be simple.  The kids.  I love them more than life.  I can't stand the thought of possibly not being next to them every day. 

Despite my good record as a father, divorce is an major uphill climb for men.  I don't want to lose my family.  But I also can't go on being blamed for every single thing that goes slightly wrong in her life.

I'm in a very similar place. I don't have the answers, but I know almost exactly what you are experiencing.

[ForeverDad]

Unless you have your name on her first child's birth certificate or had adopted that child, family court may not see that you have a legal right to continue parenting that child.  Make sure that's one of your questions when you get consultations with the local lawyers.

Don't be timid in seeking strategies and ideas.  Not all lawyers you consult may be the ones for you to choose from.  Some only do settlements an stick with filing forms and holding hands.  You case will likely become a major custody struggle, you will need a proactive lawyer willing to go to court to get the best outcome possible.  It is totally okay to ask, "Mr. Lawyer, if you had this high conflict situation, who would you hire to ponder the complications, devise the best strategies and represent me?"  A good lawyer knows not every person walking in the door for a consultation will or should hire him/her.

[coach_b]

I've heard about documenting the things I do.

How would I go about documenting things like: When I made dinner, When I did the laundry, When I did the dishes... .etc

[david]

Documenting the daily chores with a simple date in a journal would be good.
I actually documented our kids homework.I signed and dated everyone they did with me. My ex started signing the ones done at her place when she seen what I was doing. I made copies of every single one. It took close to three years to get a hearing because ex kept delaying things. Finally, she ran out of maneuvers. I had a giant pile and on the top was a single sheet that gave exact numbers of everything underneath.

[david]

Had to leave and I can finish my thought now.
The top sheet showed that our boys did over 95 % of all their school work when with me. Forty five percent of the school work they did at their moms' was either incomplete or had errors. It was short and to the point.
I had three copies of everything. One for each party and one for the court. My attorney placed the pile on the judges bench. He looked at the top sheet and asked if ex agreed with the top sheet. At that point ex either agreed or we went through the pile. My ex was smart enough to know I was telling the truth and agreed with the top sheet. That was the only piece from the pile that was introduced as evidence. Evidence must be introduced and given a number.It is a procedure and takes time. Many attorneys and judges don't like it because it takes time. However, judges must base their decision on the evidence and paper evidence holds more weight than verbal testimony. It took me a while to learn that.
If you document daily chores and introduce it as evidence then opposing counsel needs to rebut it. Rebutting with no supporting evidence isn't a good legal strategy. If it is agreed to then it helps even more. Learning the rules of the game takes time. That is why preparing and gathering as much evidence (documentation) as possible helps. Your attorney should be able to let you know what works best in your county.

[coach_b]

David

That is all fantastic information.  I appreciate all the input!