Where to begin?

[Syowm]

 I am a 60-year-old white male, married at 27+ years. These have all been hard years because my spouse has BPD.  I didn't truly understand this until recently. Initially I thought it was all my fault, that there was something wrong with me. My wife encouraged this.  We are both well educated professionals. Initially, I thought I knew what I was getting into. I had no idea. I have been depressed, lonely, anxious, and isolated. We have been to numerous therapists.  All of them have failed to help. All of them.  My wife accused the last three of taking sides. She was actually shouting at two of the last three therapists in our final sessions.  She so unnerved the last therapist that the poor woman had to end the session and let us know that she could no longer work with us. The most helpful therapy in the last two years has been to be a member of a small group in my church , read and study the Bible, and to attend church with more regularity.  The constant feeling of living in the twilight zone however, is getting to be overwhelming. Two of our three children are grown and out of the house, the oldest recently graduated from college, and the next oldest due to graduate next May.  What keeps me going is that my youngest child is still at home, applying to college, and essentially needs my support, and occasionally protection.  I am so tired. I want this ordeal to be over so that maybe I could try life on my own.   I expect this will be financially devastating. On the other hand, finances are already devastated. I keep holding on until I can get our youngest child shipped off to college. Sometimes, I don't know how I will make it the last few months. I have felt trapped for so many years that I have lost track.  I would just like to have less pain in my life. Happiness is a choice. I have come to realize that it is possible to be happy and be in pain at the same time. I just don't know what it's like to be happy and without pain.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Syown-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're in that situation, it is very painful and confusing, although it's not rare around here, we understand.  It's common for partners of borderlines to assume fault, as you mention, and also for the borderline to encourage it.  I'm curious, when you found out about borderline personality disorder did it make you feel better?  For many of us, learning that BPD is a real thing, and a description of the behaviors of someone with the disorder describes our partner's behavior pretty well, can make a lot of the confusion go away right away, and even more as more connections are made, which really helps, then it's a matter of deciding if the behaviors are acceptable or not, and most importantly, not taking responsibility for them.

There's a lot of great info on this site and a lot of people who have been or are where you are, so keep reading and posting, and it will get better.  Take care of you!

[ArleighBurke]

As you say: Happiness is a choice.

It is your choice whether to stay or leave. If you decide to stay (even just to see how it goes) there are skills you can learn to make things better. On this site are hundreds of people who choose to live with their BPD spouse, and make it work. It's not smooth sailing, but with practice you can learn to help your wife manage, learn how to communicate with her effectively, learn to distance yourself just enough to stay emotionally healthy yourself, and to ensure you enjoy life.

It is possible if you want to try!

[Lucky Jim]

I am so tired. I want this ordeal to be over so that maybe I could try life on my own.

Hey Syo, Your feelings are normal and quite familiar.  It can be exhausting in a BPD r/s.  I had a strange fantasy that I might be sent to prison, because I thought it would be better than living with my BPDxW!  Sounds odd in retrospect, but it had an appeal when I was mentally and physically worn down by my BPDxW.  It was a cry for help, of course.

Many of us have been in your shoes.  Like you, I'm a 59-year-old white male who had a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  Believe me, I "get" what you are describing.

Fill us in when you can and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[KateCat]

Greetings, syowm:

You mention your age, and the duration of your marriage, and I would like to answer with those two things in mind. I am older than you are, married longer than you are, and an avid reader of stories told on this forum for many years now. My self-imposed duties to various others in my own family are at long last completed, and I am preparing for freedom. I won't tell you how good that already feels, because your post indicates you yearn for just that.

Read the stories of people posting here. Get a sense of what "making it work" means to them and for them. Try on as well the idea of freeing yourself (you know you want to) and see how that feels.

I would hate to think that a man of a mere sixty years thinks there is nothing further awaiting him in life. If you live in the U.S., just take a peek at the geriatric characters lining up in hopes of leading our country in the next federal administration.