How Can They Move On So Quick?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It has been 2 months since the final breakup. This has been the hardest time of my life. I took a couple weeks off of work (spread out over a couple months) as  some days I couldn't get out of bed and would sleep for almost 50- hours at a time. I've lost 20 pounds and I still have random moments where I start to cry. I've given up my hobbies and working out. Just getting to work on time is an accomplishment lately. Meanwhile she moved on immediately after telling me repeatedly that this would never happen, she even said it again after we broke up and days later his truck is at her place almost daily now. This is the woman who pressured me heavily to marry her and said I was the greatest thing ever.

Is she not human? I cannot relate to the complete lack of empathy and coldness. I do believe her #1 goal in life is to get married so I shouldn't be shocked but I am still taken aback at how easily she moved on.

[Duped 1]

It has been 2 months since the final breakup. This has been the hardest time of my life. I took a couple weeks off of work (spread out over a couple months) as  some days I couldn't get out of bed and would sleep for almost 50- hours at a time. I've lost 20 pounds and I still have random moments where I start to cry. I've given up my hobbies and working out. Just getting to work on time is an accomplishment lately. Meanwhile she moved on immediately after telling me repeatedly that this would never happen, she even said it again after we broke up and days later his truck is at her place almost daily now. This is the woman who pressured me heavily to marry her and said I was the greatest thing ever.

Is she not human? I cannot relate to the complete lack of empathy and coldness. I do believe her #1 goal in life is to get married so I shouldn't be shocked but I am still taken aback at how easily she moved on.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There,
   First off... .I know how you are feeling.   Mine dumped me before Christmas once. I spent two weeks in bed staring at an engagement ring. My family eventually texted that if I didn't reply they were sending over the police to do a wellness check. I didn't shower for over a week. If you met me today you would think I was making that up. I was very depressed and distraught.

I know where you are, I was there.
 

They move on quickly because of their disorder. Your relationship was one-sided. That is why it is easy for them to move on... .

their words mean nothing. Actions, however mean everything.

I know how hard it is to get past her words, all the things she said that you took to heart, that most people would take to heart. You were duped. We all were. We gave our love only for it to be tossed aside like an old doll... .
for a brand new toy.

I don't know how close she lives but you need to stop driving by her house. I know it is hard but it will do you no good.

This new guy is in for a world of hurt. She will not change for the next. It's the same game, different player. They tend to stick to patterns that benefit them, my ex did the same thing to all her exes she did to me (I know some of the exes). All of us were cheated on, stolen from and physically abused at one time or another.

Keep posting, reading and give yourself some self-compassion, friend. Two months is not a lot of time and this was a very traumatic experience.
Have you seen a therapist? That helped along with some anti-anxiety meds for awhile, just to get through the first months.

We are here for you   If you need someone to talk to, know you have friends here who "get it" and will support you through this.

You are NOT alone.

 
PW

[rzr14]

Hey Duped 1
Hang in there, I know what it feels like to go through this, I'm still dealing with my ex. I was a month out nc on my part now she has been getting ahold of me. I've learned a lot from this site and what you will learn here will help you. I've been recycled more times then I can count over a 8 year period. I didn't learn about BPD to about 2 months ago. It all makes sense now, you need to work on making yourself stronger. And prepare yourself for what may come, set up good boundaries for yourself. She may come back to see how you are detaching, may want to pull you into her world again. That is a decision you are going to half to make. I'm still on the fence with what I'm going to do, I know I can't put myself through this again if she is not getting help. She says she is but I'm not 100% sure, she has already showed  and hasn't apologized for what she has done. It's like it's just another day for her. So be strong and start doing things that make you happy, talk to friends you haven't seen in awhile. Are you seeing a t? If not I would, I have been seeing my t for months has helped me understand things I should do to work on myself.

[CooperD]

Hi Duped,

The question you ask about "is she human"  is what has been playing through my mind since she hit me with divorce papers and has then completely blanked me  (apart from the  one message threatening me with an harrasment/stalking order).

The coldness / lack of compassion / humanity appears incomprehensible and last week it was consuming me and driving me crazy.  How can someone rip your world apart and not seem to even give a seconds thought to it and your suffering.

I asked myself how can she after 5 years  have no further contact with me when I have done nothing other than try to make her happy ? How could she stand in front of me a year ago and reading wedding vows calling me her greatest love and thanking me for my patience yet a year later tell me "GET OUT OF MY LIFE" ?

Thanks to the advice on these forums - including by pretty woman - and all the reading around BPD that I am doing - I understand now that this is nothing to do with me.  She had this well before meeting me and it has run through our relationship and eventually destroyed it.

Getting to that point of acknowledgment and acceptance is  really helping me.  Its not your fault and you are not responsible.

My BPD was desperate to get married = I travelled half the world with no friends/family there to make her happy and get married to her.  :)id it fix things = of course not because she would then just find the next thing to focus on.

Hope you start to feel better with time

[Duped 1]

Great responses. What is meant by: "it was a one sided relationship and that's why it's easy for her to move on"?

She thinks I'm abusive due to my reactions to her and she has her family believing this as well. We tried counseling and she said she couldn't see her part in any of this and that she never attacks or insults. I nearly fell off my chair.

[apollotech]

CooperD:

I understand now that this is nothing to do with me.  She had this well before meeting me and it has run through our relationship and eventually destroyed it.

Yep, good call CooperD. BPD was driving the bus from day one and both parties are/were along for the ride.

[Kelli Cornett]

They can't stand being alone.

[Circle]

What is meant by it being a one sided relationship? That is difficult to grasp. For me, it has been the awareness that my feelings for my x, were stronger than their feelings for me. My feelings were strong, real and lasting. I had started to send down roots with my x. In retrospect, I realize that their feelings for me were shallow and fleeting over time. My x just didn't care about me to the same degree that I did for them. This theory, for me, is supported by their later actions, which not only show an absence of care; they also show agressive harshness. I've come to the very slow-dawning awareness, that I was basically used. It took me a long time to get to this point though. Hang in there through your healing. Keep reading other's posts. Keep replying to other's posts. We are all in the same boat.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Duped1

Sorry to hear that you are struggling.  These relationship endings are very difficult and illogical.  It has been a year for me and I am starting to feel better and getting my breathe back in me.  The light of day is at the end of the tunnel.

Great responses. What is meant by: "it was a one sided relationship and that's why it's easy for her to move on"?

The question you ask is a good one.  The short answer is that she was always in a position of control for safety sake and never able to fully let go her fears and emotionally attach - despite her words to the contrary.  Don't know if I can explain it well so I will tell my own story as an example.

I was married for 11 years.  When I met my ex I had some financial problems and she was upset about that and went out of her way to help me help myself move in the right direction.  She always said we are Life Partners and that she would never quit working on the marriage and she really did a lot to help get me on my feet.  Of course her admirable approach was accompanied with the associated BP traits of berating and gaslighting and she generally reinforced the idea that I had made a mess and she was superior.  I accepted it all in the name of having our common life goals and marriage and as penance for my prior transgressions.

I finally resolved my financial problems but her berating did not stop.  I was confused thinking that she would be happy now that I/we were in a good position.  So I got upset at her one day when she was putting me down and told her to stop and explained that this was no longer acceptable because my circumstances were much better and getting brighter and we were in a good position.  Her response to me was to simply stare back and reply; my money is my money. 

It took until after the divorce to figure out that she never felt safe being equals with me; it was far more comfortable for her to be in a perceived superior position.  So, when I was holding the weaker hand - she could say that she was my life partner and also verbally abuse the hell out of me reinforcing the one sided nature while feeling empowered.  But when I started to attain parity - she told me that her stuff is hers - in other words - we are still not equals.  The issue of why she berated me was not at all related to money - rather to her need to be in control - money was simply the vehicle for her offloading of crap onto me and because I felt shame about it - I accepted her treatment of me.

pwBPD search out someone that their ego perceives as less than they are giving them a false sense of security and control.  This dynamic always creates a one-sided transaction - no matter what is said to the contrary. 

When many of us finally stand up and want to be treated as an equal, the pwBPD leaves because it causes them so much discomfort.

Does any of this make sense in your situation?

[Duped 1]

I can relate well to the lack of humanity/coldness/lack of compassion. I still cannot believe just how cold hearted she is. Boy was I fooled. This is so incredibly hard and I think she would take great joy in knowing how wounded I am

[SummerStorm]

They can't stand being alone.

Exactly.  Recently, my BPD friend posted on FB about how she hates sleeping alone.  From March-September, she dated this guy whom she told me she was going to marry.  There was a 2-week breakup in May, but after that, they were going strong.  They vacationed with his parents, he gave her a promise ring and made her cry tears of joy, etc.  Then, a few weeks after their vacation, he had to go back to rehab for heroin addiction.  She was distraught, but when he came back, she was over the moon.  A few days later, he started using again, and she kicked him out.  Now, most people, after having been through all of that, would take a break, heal from those wounds, mourn the loss.  But what did she do?  She started dating a new guy two days after they broke up.

What it all comes down to is that we are just a warm body for them, whether we are a friend or a lover.  When she ended our friendship at one point, she just switched over to another friend and acted like I had never existed.  Time also means nothing to them.  When she had the 2-week breakup with the addict boyfriend, she went back to the ex that came before him, immediately.  Though that was a trashy move, she had only been with the other guy for not quite two months, and it was clear that she hadn't really been idealizing him at all.  But to move on that quickly after six months, after telling everyone that he was "the one," and after moving in with him?  That's just cold. 

[JerryRG]

My son's grandmother told me over a year ago describing her daughter, "She's not like the rest of us, there's something very wrong about her." When I ask what grandma believes is wrong with her daughter she simply says she has no idea.

Cluster B is real, I used to think I could change her but I'm up against something I'm in no way qualified to deal with.

My ex moved on with the first guy who gave her attention and idealized everything about him and changed completely. I know her, I know what BPD/npd is so I'm not surprised anymore.

She left our son to be with her new bf, she would sell her soul to not be alone. And I thought she could love me? No, she hasn't got a single clue what love is

[beggarsblanket]

I've come to the very slow-dawning awareness, that I was basically used. It took me a long time to get to this point though.

I've had the same slow-dawning awareness. The longer I am away from her, the more it is clear to me she never treated me as an end in myself. She spoke frankly of always having "ulterior motives." When she told me that, I was infatuated and ignored the obvious red flag. I believe it more often now, but it's still hard to swallow.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I've had the same slow-dawning awareness. The longer I am away from her, the more it is clear to me she never treated me as an end in myself. She spoke frankly of always having "ulterior motives." When she told me that, I was infatuated and ignored the obvious red flag. I believe it more often now, but it's still hard to swallow.

So familiar- so many red flags that I ignored because I was infatuated with this person.  Now I know (sort of) who she really is, but I still feel an ache in my heart for the woman she pretended to be.

The fact that it wasn't real doesn't make it hurt any less.