Moments of detachment.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This week was a really hard week. I'm not exactly sure why. I thought I had the skills to deal with my emotions, but nonetheless I find myself experiencing odd flashbacks to feelings that I'd have when I was a kid. A lot of helplessness, I think. I do better at acknowledging and recognizing these things now, but it doesn't negate the fact that they are real experiences.

It is interesting, I feel, that psychologically we are built to neglect long-term solutions. I have neglected these concerns in my own way. I think that some of you have seen this (i.e: trying to have a friendship with my ex, and rationalizing it as a growing opportunity for myself). It sounds weird to me to say this, but I think what I've learned here as of now is that it is easy to get stuck. This is kind of a crossroads for me—just this week. A lot of feelings have come rushing back. It has been difficult for me to cope and make sure that I'm taking care of the responsibilities that I have chosen for myself, and I'm at my wits end here. All of it is utterly exhausting, like I barely have room to function more or less on my own, while there are still plans and obligations lingering over me for the next 3-4 weeks.

Just wanted to say that I'm kind of struggling right now to believe in the self-parented version of myself. None of this is easy. I'm open to solutions, honestly, although my preconception is that I need to power through, do what I have to do (school, work), and then I will have the time and space to work on myself without putting more weight in a suddenly heavy bag. But I also just kind of want to quit.

It has been easy for me to project strength, especially on a support group like this. But now I'm questioning my motives for doing that.

[valet]

This week was a really hard week. I'm not exactly sure why. I thought I had the skills to deal with my emotions, but nonetheless I find myself experiencing odd flashbacks to feelings that I'd have when I was a kid. A lot of helplessness, I think. I do better at acknowledging and recognizing these things now, but it doesn't negate the fact that they are real experiences.

It is interesting, I feel, that psychologically we are built to neglect long-term solutions. I have neglected these concerns in my own way. I think that some of you have seen this (i.e: trying to have a friendship with my ex, and rationalizing it as a growing opportunity for myself). It sounds weird to me to say this, but I think what I've learned here as of now is that it is easy to get stuck. This is kind of a crossroads for me—just this week. A lot of feelings have come rushing back. It has been difficult for me to cope and make sure that I'm taking care of the responsibilities that I have chosen for myself, and I'm at my wits end here. All of it is utterly exhausting, like I barely have room to function more or less on my own, while there are still plans and obligations lingering over me for the next 3-4 weeks.

Just wanted to say that I'm kind of struggling right now to believe in the self-parented version of myself. None of this is easy. I'm open to solutions, honestly, although my preconception is that I need to power through, do what I have to do (school, work), and then I will have the time and space to work on myself without putting more weight in a suddenly heavy bag. But I also just kind of want to quit.

It has been easy for me to project strength, especially on a support group like this. But now I'm questioning my motives for doing that.

[SoMadSoSad]

Are the holidays a trigger for you?

[valet]

I wouldn't say that they are, SoMad.

I think in a few more months I'll be feeling pretty good most of the time. But I seem to be hitting a point now where a lot of feelings are emerging since I've gone complete NC with my ex. There was a lot of grieving that I didn't do because I was trying to be friends. Maybe I was dissociating a bit that whole period. Now it has been more tidal wavey, like it was right after the breakup almost 2 years ago.

I'm staying the course. It might be uncomfortable sometimes, but the only way out is through. Just looking for encouragement here because it has been almost impossible for me to manage myself the past couple weeks without spewing from time to time—and even then it is still very hard.

[rfriesen]

Valet, it's certainly easier for all of us to give advice than to follow through ourselves. If you've made the decision you need to be NC, then I say respect that decision. It's likely to have positive long-term effects, even if it feels miserable at first -- as you say, we're not programmed to work towards the long term. As you know from responding to my recent post, I saw my ex for the first time in months this week. We had been NC for months, then she wrote that she was ready to be friends, and I was back in the city we had both lived in this week, so I visited her.

It took quite a bit out of me. Certainly, being no contact allowed me to focus more consistently on other things. It didn't necessarily feel like it at the time, but I can see now how I was finding it easier before my ex contacted me again. There's always the hope of finding some resolution or kindness from them, and I wouldn't say I regret seeing my ex this week. But it's exhausting too. If you're already feeling exhausted, save your energy for yourself right now.

[Warcleods]

Valet,

I am going through the same thing.  I believe it is very normal, and to echo what rfriessen said, we aren't used to long term with ourselves.  These relationships were very much up and down and there was never a constant in them.  We've essentially become responsive to the external stimulus that the ex provided us (both good and bad) and your brain is looking for that quick fix and it wants immediate relief.  After reflecting on previous episodes between the ex and me, what I found was that when we did reconcile and things seemed normal again, it was like an immediate stress reliever for me, in retrospect, nothing ever changed between us.  I experienced the same thing when I quit consuming tons of sugar.  Might sound odd and completely unrelated but it's very much the same in the realm of dependency.  For me, it's been just over 2 weeks of complete NC.  And while I still feel depressed about this, I find myself feeling a tad bit less depressed as time goes on.  I still do have flashbacks of the good times the ex and I had but when that happens, I shift my focus to the overall temperature of what the relationship was and not what I wanted it to be. 

You can do this!

[valet]

I know I can do this. I'm not questioning my own skills here. My plan is, as stands, to hold a firm line of no contact. I'm not afraid of being mean. I feel ready for anything.

I suppose this is what PTSD or C-PTSD is. The resolute struggle.

I guess, maybe against my own instincts at first, is that I was wrong. If there is no reason to have contact, then contact will only hurt me. This says a lot about who I am, but I am learning more about what that means every day.

Honestly, this sucks. I want to have documentation to remind myself. I have been in denial for a while and it's time I break that cycle.

I'm kind of at a breaking point. I'm not involved in the game anymore. That is a problem that I haven't been able to solve yet, but I believe in myself. The solution will come in time.

EDIT: And as an aside, because I feel it's worthy to mention, this whole week has been filled with suicide ideation and a generally low mood. Really, everything sucks. I don't know how to phrase it any better. I just don't want to do it anymore, but I will. Life is worth living even with great pain.

[heartandwhole]

Hi valet,

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. It sure does suck, and I can understand your feelings of wanting to give up. I've been there, too.  

Instead of focusing on solving the problem right now, can you allow yourself to feel and treat yourself with a ton of care and compassion? This is really tough stuff, and as you say, if you are breaking through the denial, a lot of things that were under the surface come up at once. There will be enough time for problem solving later. In my view, right now you need support and safe and solid ground to stand on.

I'm not involved in the game anymore. That is a problem that I haven't been able to solve yet, but I believe in myself. The solution will come in time.

Could you expand on what you mean here a bit? I'm not sure I'm following (about being in the game).

How do you feel about reaching out to family, a friend, or therapist right now? It definitely helped me when I was having a meltdown months after my breakup.

Keep writing out your process, valet. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[Warcleods]

Valet,

I highly suggest you talk to someone (a professional) to sort this out.

Did you ponder suicide prior to this incident?  If so, then there are some deeper core trauma aspects of your life that you need to address.  If not, then you know that these feelings are incidental.  You are worthy and there ARE people in this world who care about you and depend on you.  Self harm is not the answer, and it would be unreasonable of you to put the people closest to you through that misery.  You need to be loved, and you are.  I don't know you and I feel for you.  

Do not bottle these emotions up, speak with someone.

[valet]

Hi valet,

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. It sure does suck, and I can understand your feelings of wanting to give up. I've been there, too.  

Instead of focusing on solving the problem right now, can you allow yourself to feel and treat yourself with a ton of care and compassion? This is really tough stuff, and as you say, if you are breaking through the denial, a lot of things that were under the surface come up at once. There will be enough time for problem solving later. In my view, right now you need support and safe and solid ground to stand on.

Could you expand on what you mean here a bit? I'm not sure I'm following (about being in the game).

How do you feel about reaching out to family, a friend, or therapist right now? It definitely helped me when I was having a meltdown months after my breakup.

Keep writing out your process, valet. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole

I am definitely trying to work on being compassionate with myself. It is easy at moments, and at others its very hard.

What I meant by not being in the game anymore was that I'm just not willing to let myself endure more emotional wounds by involving my ex in my life. I was talking to a friend about this yesterday for a bit, and I realized that my ex kind of has pushed me out of my own friend group to a degree. I understand that people lose friends during a breakup, but I'm angry at how only maybe a quarter of them have been able to actually see my viewpoint and understand what's going on. The message always kind of seems like it's been too long and I should be over it now. Kind of pitying even... .which I find a bit disrespectful to my emotions.

Then again, I haven't tried talking about this in a while. When I did at first it still felt like I was the crazy one, because no one would listen to me without the judgement that I was flying off of the handle. So I think what I'm experiencing now is definitely the combination of all that older invalidation.

I'm looking into more specialized therapy right now. My last T wasn't very educated about trauma. It was more just like check-up visits. We never got into anything deep because when I asked her how familiar she was with abuse related issues she didn't really have the training to know what I was talking about. I need to find someone that does.

[rfriesen]

Really, everything sucks. I don't know how to phrase it any better. I just don't want to do it anymore, but I will. Life is worth living even with great pain.

Valet, I've been there (well, would say I'm still there in my own way) and at times my mind would go to a strangely philosophical space. Except that I would feel it at a gut level, not only intellectually. My mind would spin thinking about how we have such a short period of time on earth, no one really knows what the hell is going on in terms of ultimate purpose, the modern scientific view of the world (which is essentially mine, given my cultural background and education) has drained it of any deep purpose and meaning, and for the most part people just go on with everyday life as if ultimate purpose or "salvation" or whatever you want to call it isn't an urgent matter at all.

I think this was a side-effect of having been so deeply invested in the intense emotional rollercoaster for close to two years, then suddenly trying to tear myself away and detach from that. It was like stepping out of an inferno and looking for some other kind of purpose/heat in life. Then looking around and finding everything seem so utterly trivial that other people were engaged in.

On the plus side, it made the world more interesting, more questionable, more bewildering, more painful ... .in a way that I could hook my curiosity onto, if only for brief moments at first. I've always had a philosophical bent, did my grad studies in philosophy -- but it was only after this relationship that all of my philosophical thinking started to sink in at a gut level. It was actually extremely unpleasant, disorienting, painful at times. But I've worked to hold onto and develop those glimpses of genuine curiosity. I even got into some books on "esoteric Christianity" though I'm not a religious person myself. But this isn't about dogma -- just suddenly having a new interest in a system of practice and thought and care of the self that, in some way or another, is a repository of two thousand years' thinking on ultimate purpose, salvation etc. I don't care about dogma, just curious about practices in care of the self. And I would have the same interest in other religions. Strange, I've always identified as an atheist, but have come to think that the relative absence of religion (by which I mean simply deep reflection on ultimate purpose, meaning, etc) in the modern world is unfortunate. I don't care for ritual or dogma as such, but it seems strange that in the public sphere we spend so little time reflecting on the bigger questions of life.

Anyway, I'm not saying that took away the depression, the decreased motivation, etc. Just that it helped. I've read many of your posts, and thought maybe you have a similar contemplative streak. I've struggled post-break-up in a way I never have before, with moods and feelings and motivation, and so on. It has helped and started to give me direction to be curious about this whole process, to work at being grateful even for the experience of confusion and pain and uncertainty. Ultimately our lives are richer for it. Although it's admittedly not easy to maintain that perspective all the time, when there's real emotional pain or emptiness.

[valet]

Thanks for your words, rfriesen. I generally consider myself a deep thinker about things that I care about, and I'm almost always willing to think about alternative positions, etc.

I think that you're touching on something important in saying that it is wise to appreciate everything, despite how it feels when healing. I feel like I'm pretty good at this. After coming out of a big stretch of total emotional shutdown, I really do appreciate that I can feel at all. It is so much better to feel sad or angry than nothing at all. And it gives me some hope in that what I'm doing is working as far as regaining these capacities that used to feel so large to me (but have since sunk down and away).

Really, you're right. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Truly harder than ANYTHING else. But I'm coming out a better person. It might be hard, but it's worth it, and I'm proud of the person that I'm becoming right now. Of course we lapse. I definitely do it when I get overwhelmed. Just need to keep my head forward here and try to let myself go into those darker moods without judging myself on some level. That has been the biggest challenge, I'll say.

[myself]

Of course we lapse. I definitely do it when I get overwhelmed. Just need to keep my head forward here and try to let myself go into those darker moods without judging myself on some level.

^This, yes. Also, as we realize we're actually letting go/moving on, there's a relief, a release. We 'relax' in ways we haven't done in quite some time (and for some of us, perhaps never had). Overwhelmed by 'freedom', as it were, which can also be intense. Especially at first, and while feeling alone with it. Which can lead to tightening up again, to still hang on, etc. But if we keep going forward, as you're saying, there's the real chance to create our own balance. To accept what is, and act accordingly. Understanding that grieving (as well as growing) is a personal process for each of us.