Another perspective?

[purekalm]

Hey,

So, some here know my story. Brief as possible, I grew up with a uBPD dad and mom who was physically abusive as well as tainted heavily by his behavior. I mention it only for my mind set about relationships.

Anyways, so it's been seven years I've been married and it has been pretty much hell since my son was born. My husband was mildly possessive before this, but seemed to flip a switch and become a complete jerk and distancing himself after the birth of our son. My son is seven now and has been diagnosed with autism since 3 years old and my husband has yet to fully accept his diagnosis or treat him well.

Recently, in October my husband planned and left us, again. The first time was this March during our seventh anniversary when he was supposed to be visiting and coming back and instead decided to tell me on our anniversary that he was going to stay. A month later he came back as I assumed he was legitimate about his claims to do better. Uh, it was worse and he had a worse attitude as well about everything.

So, it's been little over a month again and once again he's made all the promises and talks but has only actually requested to talk to my son maybe three times, (of which I'm keeping a record) doesn't show up on times he says his good for him to talk, lies about things he should know I know but apparently doesn't, is more foul mouthed and cranky than he was before, cooks, cleans and all the stuff he almost NEVER did here among other things and here I am again, wondering what I should do... .

Since we've shared a place with my parents all this time and never had our own but for a few months years ago, I wonder if that would change anything and at the same time I don't want to move in with somebody I can't trust and his proving that he's the same if not worse than he was just last month? If there's a major disagreement about anything he resorts right back to "So, you're saying you're done then?" or some other nonsense. He says he loves me and my son (which he corrected me last time and said our son, but he doesn't act like a dad in the least sense) but doesn't prove it in any of the ways he can. He doesn't even respect me and lets his foul mouth fly so often and doesn't even realize it because he's normally that way when not around me.

One of my sisters was over for a bit last night and she mentioned something about saying "you better listen or your dad will" and laughing and I said, well, I've never said that because his dad has never been there for him. I've raised him myself all this time and his dad hasn't tried to teach him anything or even spend time with him except rarely and would get angry if my son didn't do what he wanted or destroyed something he built. She shook her head and said she was sorry and then proceeded to rant about how could he be that way? Which, I understand, I've asked myself the same thing numerous times.

Even as I'm writing this, I KNOW how horrible it sounds, even without all the extra I don't have time or space for. It's like, since he's been down there he's getting to be who he wants with no filters, but at some level he does love us and wants us in his life, but on his terms. That won't work, and I don't want to live like that. He says how worthless he is and useless whenever he does something wrong, but nothing to fix the situation or actually putting forth effort to repair any damage.

And herein lies the rub of why I struggle. I truly do love him. What if he finally gets his act together like he says he's done running and wants to work things out and I give up? Just because something is hard doesn't mean you should give up on it, especially if it's a person. I believe in God, so I love him, regardless of what he says and does, but I don't want to be around the person he's choosing to be. I'm not trying to keep a record of his wrongs, but the fact they are the same issues from before that are currently happening, it's easy to see the pattern and what the future is if they continue.

 My son and myself have been improving since he left in numerous ways and the thought of him coming back any time close to this point is anxiety inducing because I know he hasn't changed. I don't want to be the one who puts the nail in the coffin that destroys our "family" for good, even though he's the one who made the coffin and filled it.

If I was on the outside looking in, I would think that I had some serious issues myself if I could stay with someone like him or even want to. I know what it looks like, I can be objective to a point. But... .why can't I let go? Why should I let go? My parents, dysfunctional though they are, are still together and have some good moments, as well as my sister and her boyfriend, though most are not. I don't want that though. I want someone who will work with me, not against me. I'm not worried about finding someone else or anything like that because I don't want anyone else or someone new. I'd rather be alone again than even attempt it. That's far in the future no matter how you look at it, right now is what I'm trying to decide and I just need another's perspective and thoughts, opinions. Thanks.

[Foolishwizdom]

If I was on the outside looking in, I would think that I had some serious issues myself if I could stay with someone like him or even want to. I know what it looks like, I can be objective to a point. But... .why can't I let go? Why should I let go? My parents, dysfunctional though they are, are still together and have some good moments, as well as my sister and her boyfriend, though most are not. I don't want that though. I want someone who will work with me, not against me. I'm not worried about finding someone else or anything like that because I don't want anyone else or someone new. I'd rather be alone again than even attempt it. That's far in the future no matter how you look at it, right now is what I'm trying to decide and I just need another's perspective and thoughts, opinions. Thanks.

That is a lot to sort through all at once. Many of us deal with those same questions. It is difficult to feel torn between compassion and love for our s.o.'s and protecting ourselves and loved ones from pain, abuse, and stress. Can you slow down and take each question one at a time and work your way through all those thoughts?  I have slowly realized it is really impossible to answer each question or thought at once and overwhelms me emotionally. But taking one thought at a time helps me get to a place of clarity and acceptance where I can than work on the next set of questions.  

One question I would pose to you is, what value is there in comparing yourself to your parents relationship? It is natural for us to go to the examples in our backgrounds but you have said you know what pain it caused you. And it is now up to you to decide if staying together at all costs and having "some good moments" is enough for you or is there is another measure of success that you want in your life/relationships. It may take time but you get to choose what your value is.  

I am person of faith also (Christian) and I know that marriage at all costs can be a theme in religious groups. I have found Dr. Henry Cloud's book, "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage" helpful in working through when my religious values of grace and selflessness easily get confused for allowing others (including myself) to mistreat me or have unhealthy expectations of me. It helps clarify the difference between self-care, self-responsibility, and selfishness and that I need to respect God's value for me as well as the other person. It reminded me that while I have some responsibility for how my behavior affects others, I am not responsible for the behavior or salvation of others and I cannot control the reaction of others. All those things we know in our head can get messy in practice.

You are doing a great job loving your son and you have just as much a responsibility to love yourself with that same quality. Your parents may have messed with your understanding of that but you can choose to surround yourself with people who affirm that about you, whether that is your S.O., your family, or other people. There are workshops here that can help with tools to figure this process out. It isn't easy for any of us.

 

[purekalm]

Thanks for responding Foolishwizdom,

Yes, I know it is. If I had someone I could trust that knew my situation I'd rather have posed the question to them instead of to an online forum, but I don't have that.

Well, there's no value in comparing our relationship to theirs I guess. I don't want what they have, at all. I wanted something completely opposite, and thought I had chosen it... .just didn't turn out that way. It's definitely different than my parent's but in a different bad way instead of good... .

Yes, I own the Boundaries book and it was an eye opener for me let me tell you. I've never read the other but I can see if my local library has it at the very least. I don't feel responsible for his behavior and haven't for years. He tries to project that onto me a lot but I don't accept it. Self care is still a difficult one, but I'm learning.

I know it isn't easy. Everyone has a story, has their own pain. Ah, to be honest I probably shouldn't have posted. I'll figure it out on my own without wasting anyone's time like I've always done. I think we all know what we should do, it's the road to accepting and acting it out that's the difficult part.

Thanks again. 

[Foolishwizdom]

Purekalm,

Your second post seemed as if you could be discouraged. Did I overdo and try to 'fix' or somehow imply that your questions and struggles were not valid? I ask because I am trying to work on my validation skills and can be very hit or miss

You are certainly worth the time. Online forums aren't the same and can be impersonal but they can also be a safe space to vent, process, and grow.

You have demonstrated that you have done a lot of work but it is also natural that you will have moments where you struggle between knowing and practicing or where you second guess yourself.

This is safe space to grow and grieve and wonder but I hope that wherever it is, you maintain that space in your life.

+FoolishWizdom

PS If you know Boundaries, the Marriage version has overlap but more specific examples and perspective. What other resources have been helpful to you?

[purekalm]

Hello Foolishwizdom,

Not at all. It seems to be systematic problem with me I've noticed. I know what to do and then second guess myself so much I don't which way is up or down and need to say it out loud or write it down to get a better perspective and then when I do I feel sorry for wasting someone's time simply because I couldn't keep my head on straight.

You came off totally fine and honestly, everyone is different so one way of validation to another is a tear down for the next simply because of mindset/beliefs and so on. Can't please everyone and I'm sure not gonna try! Truth in love is what I try to go by so it may hurt but not so bad as if someone was harsh. I've been on both ends, being too harsh and having someone be to harsh to me. It's much better with love. =)

Personally, because all things electronic are easily hacked into, it's not safe here, or anywhere online. Maybe from the few you're trying to escape from, but not from anyone with the know-how. The only safe space I have is with God and that's where it will always be and I like it that way. I've trusted and been burned too many times to truly trust another completely, but I wouldn't say it's impossible.

I have done an absolute ton of work and still have that much more to go, but one thing I've learned is baby steps. I've tried to leap and bound and set myself back, hard lesson to learn, but definitely worthwhile.

I've already made my decision, and it won't make anyone happy but me and my son and I'm ok with that because that's who I'm making the decision for. I let my husband wear me down over the years because I got tired of fighting, (not just arguing, the constant struggle) but with the Lord's help I'm becoming myself again slowly but surely. One thing I can say about myself without feeling guilty is that I'm a fighter. I'm stubborn and no matter how long or how many times I get knocked down I'll reach out for God's hand and get back up. I just have to be smarter the direction I take so that I get to stay on my feet longer. Ha Ha =)

Resources, well, a ton! God, His word, prayer, this board, taking baby steps, things that pop out of and into place for the moment from a song lyric, excerpt in a book, movie or cartoon, some random thing you read or hear, advice, etc. I think that everything works towards achieving what we need if we let it.

Thanks again for listening. Sometimes that's all I need. =)

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

How about some parrot perspectives?

Even as I'm writing this, I KNOW how horrible it sounds, even without all the extra I don't have time or space for. It's like, since he's been down there he's getting to be who he wants with no filters, but at some level he does love us and wants us in his life, but on his terms. That won't work, and I don't want to live like that. He says how worthless he is and useless whenever he does something wrong, but nothing to fix the situation or actually putting forth effort to repair any damage.

Well to be honest, it really doesn't sound horrible to me at all. He wants to live his life a certain way which is clearly incompatible with the way you want to live your life. Sometimes two seemingly opposing truths can be valid and true at the same time. People can have love inside of them yet still consistently act in a manner which isn't loving at all. Acknowledging the love he might have inside of him, however does not mean that you have to ignore the hurtful way he consistently treats you.

And herein lies the rub of why I struggle. I truly do love him. What if he finally gets his act together like he says he's done running and wants to work things out and I give up? Just because something is hard doesn't mean you should give up on it, especially if it's a person.

I think letting go and removing yourself from an abusive environment, is not the same as giving up, nor does it mean that you do not love him. Whether he changes or not is ultimately up to him and not something you can control. Based on his current and past behavior though, it makes sense to me that you would consider the high likelihood of him continuing his abusive and irresponsible behavior.

I don't want to be the one who puts the nail in the coffin that destroys our "family" for good, even though he's the one who made the coffin and filled it.

Leaving your husband and marriage is a big decision and I think it is a good thing that you don't take this lightly. I think that by standing up for yourself and your son and taking the necessary steps to provide the two of you a stable and safe environment, will in the long run actually heal and not destroy your family, even if it means leaving your husband. If I remember correctly you've been dealing with his behavior for 7 years now which is a long time and I can see how this would take a toll on you and your son. When loving other people it is important for us not to forget to also love ourselves and take proper care of ourselves. Making your own well-being and that of your son your number one priority, makes total sense to me, yet I understand how hard it must be to take this step.

If I was on the outside looking in, I would think that I had some serious issues myself if I could stay with someone like him or even want to. I know what it looks like, I can be objective to a point. But... .why can't I let go? Why should I let go?

The word 'should' can often complicate things. Perhaps the questions you could ask yourself are:
- 'Why do I want to let go?' and
- 'Why do I believe it is better to let go?'

When I read your post I think you have already answered these questions.

Not at all. It seems to be systematic problem with me I've noticed. I know what to do and then second guess myself so much I don't which way is up or down and need to say it out loud or write it down to get a better perspective and then when I do I feel sorry for wasting someone's time simply because I couldn't keep my head on straight.

Well I am glad you identified this dynamic yourself so I don't have to do it

The only safe space I have is with God and that's where it will always be and I like it that way. I've trusted and been burned too many times to truly trust another completely, but I wouldn't say it's impossible.

"There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be."

I am sorry you have been hurt and let down so many times. I do hope you'll be able to mend your heart after all the hurting

I've already made my decision, and it won't make anyone happy but me and my son and I'm ok with that because that's who I'm making the decision for. I let my husband wear me down over the years because I got tired of fighting, (not just arguing, the constant struggle) but with the Lord's help I'm becoming myself again slowly but surely. One thing I can say about myself without feeling guilty is that I'm a fighter. I'm stubborn and no matter how long or how many times I get knocked down I'll reach out for God's hand and get back up. I just have to be smarter the direction I take so that I get to stay on my feet longer. Ha Ha =)

And I hope that your posting here will also help you as you keep fighting, keep getting back on your feet and keep trying to stay on your feet. Take care purekalm

The Board Parrot

[purekalm]

I originally replied to Kwamina to not waste space, but he encouraged me to post my reply here as well. So here it is, copy and pasted!   

Hey Kwamina,

First, thank you for replying. I always appreciate your parrot wisdom.

I figured it would be best to reply here since it's so far down on the board I don't want to take up someone else's space for airing out their issues.

  Sometimes two seemingly opposing truths can be valid and true at the same time.

The thing is, now he's saying that he's different and wants the same things that I've wanted all this time and is telling me he wants to go the same direction. Honestly though, I don't believe him. I think he just doesn't want to be in the situation he put himself in and assumed I would repeat the same mistakes of giving in to his whims because I love him.

I think letting go and removing yourself from an abusive environment, is not the same as giving up, nor does it mean that you do not love him. Whether he changes or not is ultimately up to him and not something you can control. Based on his current and past behavior though, it makes sense to me that you would consider the high likelihood of him continuing his abusive and irresponsible behavior.

I agree with this in full. I stopped trying to change him long ago and let the blame that's his fall on him, but not quite all of it. I was keeping a bit too much still and finally let it go. Yeah, I know he's lying and doing things he doesn't know that I know and then being another person to me, or at least trying. He still frustrates so easily that his thinly made facade cracks pretty fast.

Leaving your husband and marriage is a big decision and I think it is a good thing that you don't take this lightly. If I remember correctly you've been dealing with his behavior for 7 years now which is a long time and I can see how this would take a toll on you and your son.

Exactly. I mentioned this to him before that we didn't even have new problems, but the EXACT same ones for seven years. It took a much deeper toll than I realized on me. I almost completely lost myself and didn't see the extent of it until this last month. I really have been feeling like myself so much lately I didn't know what to do with all the energy!   I can't ever take it lightly even though a lot of people have tried to make me. I try to be objective and think of all the possibilities of it all.

Making your own well-being and that of your son your number one priority, makes total sense to me, yet I understand how hard it must be to take this step.

The worst part is I thought I already was, at least, I knew I was trying. It'll be two months since he left on the 3rd, and honestly, my son and I are MUCH better! The first month was really hard for me, detaching, not knowing what to do, both of us (my son and me) kind of detoxing from his constant toxic presence. But, since that has passed and we've settled a little, besides financially, we're doing so much better. I couldn't believe how much of me I let go and repressed because of him. He forced me to choose between him and church, him and my son, myself and him and it was a constant mess. I let him make fun of me to the point I stopped doing everything I loved and made me me. He even apologized to me recently for it because he knows he did it and I told him so. I haven't been harsh, but I haven't been passive and let him step all over me anymore and that's when he starts to lose his facade and show me how he really feels. I hope he does well, I really do, but at this point, the LAST thing I want is him back. I told him I need time and I wasn't sure what to do and he got mad and said that "two wrongs don't make a right" and "he's changed and wouldn't do that". It's referring to the fact that for the last three years he's told me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not when he knew full well he didn't want to be with me. He admitted this as well. It's not difficult at all for me now to make the decision to put my son as a priority, still working on me without feeling guilty, but at least I'm getting somewhere.

When I read your post I think you have already answered these questions.

Yep. 

Well I am glad you identified this dynamic yourself so I don't have to do it grin

hehe   

"There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be." smiley

I am sorry you have been hurt and let down so many times. I do hope you'll be able to mend your heart after all the hurting Empathy

Thanks for that. That's exactly why I know I'll be ok. He will never leave or hurt me no matter what and he never has. He's held me up all this time so I wouldn't completely give up and I'm eternally grateful. I think it has already started. I'm more level headed now, you know, who I was before he flipped everything upside down. I still have bad days for sure, but on the whole it's so much better that thinking of being around him makes me extremely anxious to the point I start feeling scared. Not OF him, but what he's done and how it would go so easily back to that with his flimsy attempt at doing better.

And I hope that your posting here will also help you as you keep fighting, keep getting back on your feet and keep trying to stay on your feet. Take care purekalm

It has since you replied since you're more aware of the situation. Almost like a friend. Like I said I would've asked someone close to me, but I really don't have that right now. Thank YOU for replying to me and always giving of your time and energy to me and people like me. You're very much appreciated Kwamina, just in case you didn't already know.   

You take care as well Kwamina.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

Thanks for so eloquently parroting yourself by copying and pasting your message

As you probably can imagine, I'm a huge fan of parroting. And this gives me the perfect opportunity to do some more parroting of my own.

When posting here it is normal to experience a wide range of sometimes very powerful emotions. Though it might sometimes feel like we are only helping ourselves by posting, by getting our story out here we are actually also helping many other people. We have non-members reading the posts here and also members who don't post a lot themselves but benefit greatly from reading other  people's posts. By posting your experiences and insights you have helped many other people purekalm, both members and non-members. Reading your story makes others feel less alone and can also give them the strength to keep fighting and keep going on. You have made a unique contribution to this site through your authenticity, just by being you, you have shown other people that it is ok to be yourself. I know that your faith is very important to you and has carried you through some very hard times. The way you describe what you've been through and your faith also inspires other members

I've been here for a few years now and something I also keep in mind is that we've been in the 'game' for quite some time now. We might not even realize it, but our years of experience of dealing with this, is something other members, old and young can and do benefit from. We might not be able to change our own past, but by chronicling our experiences we just might slightly alter the course of someone else's life path enough to make a difference in that person's life. To quote Emily Dickinson:

"IF I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."

Take care

The Board Parrot

[vortex of confusion]

Hi purekalm! I haven't posted much in a while. I wanted to respond to your post because I was in the place that you are in for a long time.

I wanted to keep my family in tact at all costs. I made all sorts of excuses for ex. I held on to every single shred of hope he gave me. He would tell me what I wanted/needed to hear and I would get all excited and think, "This time is going to be the one that changes everything. This time he is really going to plug into our family and things will go back to the way they used to be." It hasn't happened. We have been married for 18 years and have 4 kids. He has been out of the house for 9 months now. When you mentioned that things were better for you and your son without him, I could really relate. In the 9 months that he has been gone, I have been able to address a lot of problems with the kids that I couldn't seem to get a grip on with him there. I am watching my kids blossom before my eyes and it is beautiful and amazing. We still have a long way to go.

You will know when you are ready to be done. I didn't think I would ever get to that place because he would check in just long enough for me to relax. He would tell me what I wanted/needed to hear. I so badly wanted find a way to make things right and better. I held on to every single crumb of hope I could find.

Finally, I decided that I was done. I don't feel like I gave up. I feel like I stood up for myself and my kids. I felt like I had to make a choice. I could choose him and our marriage or I could choose myself and our kids. I opted for the latter. There were too many competing forces that kept me confused. I had a major internal struggle about my values around marriage. I had a major internal struggle over my need to give my kids an in tact home. My values and my reality were having a major tussle. 

As long as he was trying to be a dad and having a positive impact on the lives of our kids, I was willing to do what it took to try to make things work. I knew it was time to muster up the courage to have him leave and stay away when my oldest daughter asked me when I was going to make dad leave. The kids have no respect for their father. When you shared the story about your sister and her comments, I could really relate. I have had a lot of people tell me things like, "He is their dad, he should be able to do that." The truth is that he can't. When he is with the kids, he has to text me about every little thing.

I was so scared of being a single parent. I was so scared that I couldn't handle four kids on my own. Guess what, I can handle it just fine. It can be exhausting at times yet I find it less exhausting than it ever was when he was there.

I woke up to the fact that he and I have very different ideas about parenting and relationships and everything else. Oh, he would tell me that he agreed with me and that we were on the same page. The reality was totally different. In my opinion, he agreed with me so he didn't have to actually put any work or thought into anything. Letting me take the lead was really one more way for him to escape responsibility.

[purekalm]

Hey again Kwamina,

Guess we all have a little parroting to do.

"IF I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."

I really like this quote. It helps me to remember baby steps and every little thing counts even if you can't immediately see or even never see what it accomplished. Thanks again. =)


Hello vortex of confusion,

I held on to every single shred of hope he gave me.

Yeah, it sucks so bad. And even though I've finally made up my mind it still hurts that he didn't even have to do much to make it work. I mean, we only have one child together. Some days it still gets to me and I wish I had never met him. It's not better to have loved and lost, it's better to never have loved at all.

I'm glad that things are better for you as well. I understand, it's like this fog that you're trying desperately to clear up but until the source is gone you couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

That's true, perspective matters a lot. If you look at it as choosing one or the other, I have to and have chosen my son and myself. It's not giving up per se, it's more of a 'letting go' I believe. I agree, my values and reality were too. It created more turmoil because I never believed in divorce and I never saw myself getting anywhere near that road.

I knew it was time to muster up the courage to have him leave and stay away when my oldest daughter asked me when I was going to make dad leave.

This struck a cord, because not only did my parents have four kids, when I was young I begged my mom more than once to leave my dad. She promised so many things and never delivered. I was heartbroken as were my siblings. She wasn't much better at the time, but she was definitely less than dealing with my dad. I lost respect and hated them both until my early twenties when I was finally able to forgive them and see them how God does. It wasn't easy, but I felt a HUGE weight lift when I did. I'm glad you were able to make this decision when my mom could not. Believe me, you just earned a mountain of respect from your kids. =) 

I woke up to the fact that he and I have very different ideas about parenting and relationships and everything else. Oh, he would tell me that he agreed with me and that we were on the same page. The reality was totally different. In my opinion, he agreed with me so he didn't have to actually put any work or thought into anything. Letting me take the lead was really one more way for him to escape responsibility.

It's like I wrote this myself!  I've always made all the decisions myself for just about everything because he was always like "whatever you pick will be fine' and I'm like, but, where's your opinion? Where's your input? I started to respect him less early on for being so spineless and lazy. I don't want to hear myself back at me, I want another perspective. Anyways, wow, it's crazy how similar all of our stories can be. So sad that so many have to suffer.

Thanks for responding. Sorry it took me so long to reply.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Grey Kitty]

Purekalm, you've said something like this each of your responses here... .

My son and myself have been improving since he left in numerous ways and the thought of him coming back any time close to this point is anxiety inducing because I know he hasn't changed. I don't want to be the one who puts the nail in the coffin that destroys our "family" for good, even though he's the one who made the coffin and filled it.

Just a reminder--*IF* he does change into somebody who will contribute to your life and/or your son's life, he can do that while he's not living with you. If you do end up divorced, he can still be a good parent... .Have you read the stories of guys here who fought to keep contact with their children and support them when a BPDmom was divorcing them?

You sound done with believing his promises. For good reason. They have all been empty.

Trust that in the unlikely event he does change, you will see it in his actions.

Until that time, protect yourself and your son from him.

[purekalm]

Hello Grey Kitty,

I have read some of them and wished that my son's dad actually cared about him, but he never has. Oh sure, he'll talk to others as if he does, but he doesn't actually DO anything. In my case, it's highly unlikely he'll be a good parent considering he's never been one and has mentioned before (though he doesn't want me to bring it up) that he wanted to give all his rights away in major part due to not wanting to pay child support. So, I mean, it kind of goes without saying that he doesn't care and I wish he would've.

I am done, completely. I thought I was at times, but still clung to what I realized didn't even exist. Part of the toxic environment in my opinion. I do trust that I will see it, but I just don't believe anymore that I will. He's had eight years to do something and hasn't. Two months since he's left and hasn't after making promise after promise to do so.

He called through Skype last night to talk and started getting mad at me and had the audacity to start yelling and cussing to which I abruptly cut him off and told him off because I'm done with his garbage. Yeah, he's changed all right. Pssh... . (eye roll)

I am. He already knows he's not coming back. I told him he can't. I don't trust him, he's proven nothing and right now I don't want him back. To be honest, I knew when he left this would be it and it sure is. I already know he won't do his part no matter what he says. I've let him go. I just feel bad for my son who won't get to experience a good dad just like me. At least, unlike my own mom, I've chosen to take my son out of the situation instead of stay in it.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not suggesting that there is much chance he will get better. (Miracles have happened, so it is still possible no matter how unlikely.)

I'm suggesting that you allow yourself some peace in writing the relationship off AS IT IS TODAY--If he does somehow make himself into somebody who can be a decent father, trust that he will show you with actions, not just words, and you will do the right thing for yourself and your son.

Don't blame yourself for putting the last "nails in the coffin" so to speak. You can find a crowbar if there is a miracle.

[purekalm]

I understand. A miracle is exactly what it would be at this point.

If you knew what I knew, then you'd know it's less than one percent that he will ever do anything that really matters when it comes to his son. Extremely unfortunate, but true. Maybe there will be a miracle, but I have no hope for it anymore so I'm not expecting anything.

Hmm... .as hard as the nails have been driven, it'd take a chainsaw to open. For the moment, though broken, everything is where it should be.