An emotional affair masquerading as friendship

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I just finished reading several of your articles and lessons, and I had to sign up at once. I've been doing grief work on my own since May, with an interruption two months ago, but I didn't fully realize what I was tangling with till I found your site. It is a godsend. Thank you.

I am a 40-year-old man with bipolar, first episode at 18, diagnosis at 33. I have many developmental delays due to the late diagnosis. That includes dating experience. Most of what I have is in the last two years, culminating in the woman concerned. She is 25 years old. She has BPD and some kind of savant syndrome. Thanks to her, I had the happiest four months of my life from January to April of this year. We had a profound intellectual and imaginative connection and much play.  She and I called what we had friendship, but the fact is that she had a boyfriend the whole time we were together. I was her surrogate boyfriend. He is cold and distant. I am warm and affirming. It was emotional infidelity masquerading as friendship, but I was getting so many core needs met that I didn't care.

The relationship was based on falsehood and it ended catastrophically. I never told her frankly about my feelings till I got black out drunk and messaged her with outrageous declarations of love. (I struggle with drink, but I had been sober for the entirety of the four months she and I were together.) She was furious at my overtures, threatening to end our friendship. I said goodbye and didn't hear from her till she got drunk and messaged me, claiming loneliness and pleading for my friendship. In the course of things, I got angry with her, and she lectured me on my boundaries. That ended poorly. I didn't really expect to hear from her after that.

She tried to come back into my life two months ago, a week before dumping her boyfriend.  She and I hung out the day after she dumped her boyfriend, and I tearfully confessed my feelings for her. She confessed to feelings of her own for me, but she said my news "complicates things." No kidding. She also had a new suitor in her life who she kept raving about as "so hot." I was already grieving her. I had gone off my medication, and my mood was dysphoric and suicidal. My feelings, doubts, and poor mental health, together with what she was proposing, were beyond my coping skills. I rejected her. She was irate and abusive in reply. I sent her a long message that was panicked and angry and distorted. I haven't heard from her since.

Until a few days ago, this seemed among the greatest tragedies of my life. Friends and mentors tell me it is, notwithstanding the BPD. I was struggling with anger and confusion. I have softened in the last week, but only as I accept the good in the relationship, and the good in she and I, along with the storms. I have only been reading about BPD intensively in the last few weeks. What I read is disturbing, not only for what it reveals about her but also for what it reveals about me. I am seeking answers.

P.S. I'd like to write my whole story, but that will take some time. For now, I'd just like to say hi. I'm grateful for the existence of this website.

[beggarsblanket]

I just finished reading several of your articles and lessons, and I had to sign up at once. I've been doing grief work on my own since May, with an interruption two months ago, but I didn't fully realize what I was tangling with till I found your site. It is a godsend. Thank you.

I am a 40-year-old man with bipolar, first episode at 18, diagnosis at 33. I have many developmental delays due to the late diagnosis. That includes dating experience. Most of what I have is in the last two years, culminating in the woman concerned. She is 25 years old. She has BPD and some kind of savant syndrome. Thanks to her, I had the happiest four months of my life from January to April of this year. We had a profound intellectual and imaginative connection and much play.  She and I called what we had friendship, but the fact is that she had a boyfriend the whole time we were together. I was her surrogate boyfriend. He is cold and distant. I am warm and affirming. It was emotional infidelity masquerading as friendship, but I was getting so many core needs met that I didn't care.

The relationship was based on falsehood and it ended catastrophically. I never told her frankly about my feelings till I got black out drunk and messaged her with outrageous declarations of love. (I struggle with drink, but I had been sober for the entirety of the four months she and I were together.) She was furious at my overtures, threatening to end our friendship. I said goodbye and didn't hear from her till she got drunk and messaged me, claiming loneliness and pleading for my friendship. In the course of things, I got angry with her, and she lectured me on my boundaries. That ended poorly. I didn't really expect to hear from her after that.

She tried to come back into my life two months ago, a week before dumping her boyfriend.  She and I hung out the day after she dumped her boyfriend, and I tearfully confessed my feelings for her. She confessed to feelings of her own for me, but she said my news "complicates things." No kidding. She also had a new suitor in her life who she kept raving about as "so hot." I was already grieving her. I had gone off my medication, and my mood was dysphoric and suicidal. My feelings, doubts, and poor mental health, together with what she was proposing, were beyond my coping skills. I rejected her. She was irate and abusive in reply. I sent her a long message that was panicked and angry and distorted. I haven't heard from her since.

Until a few days ago, this seemed among the greatest tragedies of my life. Friends and mentors tell me it is, notwithstanding the BPD. I was struggling with anger and confusion. I have softened in the last week, but only as I accept the good in the relationship, and the good in she and I, along with the storms. I have only been reading about BPD intensively in the last few weeks. What I read is disturbing, not only for what it reveals about her but also for what it reveals about me. I am seeking answers.

P.S. I'd like to write my whole story, but that will take some time. For now, I'd just like to say hi. I'm grateful for the existence of this website.

[joeramabeme]

beggarsblanket

Wanted to say hello and welcome to BPD Family 

So glad you posted your story, sounds like it has been very challenging.  You have a good amount of clarity, the work and effort you have put into this already seems to be paying off in your understanding.  I do not know anything about bipolar but am sure - as you pointed out - that it has compounded the difficulties of being involved with a pwBPD.

As you have read, many of us here have gone through the difficulty of detaching, as well, many of us learn about our own backgrounds in this process.  You will find kindred souls here!

Have you had any contact with her recently?  Where are you at in terms of detaching?  Do you hope that possibly you can somehow reconnect and rekindle?

JRB

[beggarsblanket]

Thank you for the welcome, JRB.

I'm not sure I understand what it would mean to detach. I'm dedicated to the grieving process, which I have gone through several times in my life for various things. I am less anxious than I was a week ago, but I still have intrusive thoughts of her every day, which interferes with sleep, hobbies, conversation, etc. I sometimes hope that we can reconnect, but it's not the omnipresent hope it was a month ago. I am taking an interest in other women again and enjoying their attention, though I think it would be unfair to seek a new relationship while I'm still dealing with this mess.

I haven't had confirmed contact with her since September 30. I left a letter on her desk at school about a week after that, as a last-gasp attempt to salvage the relationship. I have no idea if she read it. She may have just torn it up. Earlier this week, I sent her a brief email. It said that I don't want any hard feelings. I invited her to say hi if she saw me in public but that I wanted to leave it at that. I have no idea if she received it. She once threatened to add my email address to her spam list. Maybe I should have left well enough alone. I rarely know how to act in close relationships, and this adds a whole other level of confusion.

bb