Question about BPD behavior

[DazedandConfus3d]

Hey all,

One thing I'm realizing from reading this board is that pwBPD often utterly lose their tempers on their partners.

My ex never visibly got mad at me, I KNOW she got mad a lot, but she would keep a calm face and then do something behind my back to 'get me back' often putting it kind of in my face in a way that I could easily miss it because I took her at face value- has anyone else had this experience?

The relationship ended with me getting waylaid and assaulted on a dark street, all the signs point to her involvement, but she maintained that she was innocent.

I'm not sure how to read this- does she really have BPD? (she told me she did) Honestly she spent much of her time with a pretty flat affect, which strikes me as odd for someone with BPD.  Could it be psychopathy? something else? or are some pwBPD capable of hiding that intense anger until they can act on it?

Very curious about people's experiences/opinions.

[Warcleods]

They're all different.  Not all people with BPD exhibit the same symptoms.  My ex undiagnosed BPD did not have fits of anger and rage at all.  The majority of her destruction was self inflicted with illogical ways of thinking, impulsive, binge eater, constantly feeling empty and alone, projection, unable to make decisions (important ones).  I suspect mine was diagnosed but never told me.  She asked me a few times throughout our relationship whether I thought she had it.  At the time, I didn't even know what it was.  Therapists have suggested it to her but she always turned out not to like those therapist, oh the irony.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi D&C-

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger is an official trait of the disorder, but it's one of nine traits and everyone's different.  And the anger comes from a lashing out at intense emotions that a borderline can't soothe on their own, kind of like a pressure relief valve.

And in the end the diagnosis doesn't matter as much as how the behaviors affected us, what we made them mean, and how we justified staying in the face of them.  How did you respond when you knew she was angry and did something to "get you back"?

[JerryRG]

My experience was she was very outwardly abuse in the beginning of our relationship but learned she was putting herself at risk by punching and beating me. She just did more overt things to harm me after she stopped being so physical with me. I wouldn't hit her back but I did defend against serious injury.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Hi D&C-

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger is an official trait of the disorder, but it's one of nine traits and everyone's different.  And the anger comes from a lashing out at intense emotions that a borderline can't soothe on their own, kind of like a pressure relief valve.

And in the end the diagnosis doesn't matter as much as how the behaviors affected us, what we made them mean, and how we justified staying in the face of them.  How did you respond when you knew she was angry and did something to "get you back"?

Honestly I only figured out some of the 'getting back' parts AFTER I split with her, once I realized what she was capable of behind my back, I'd wake up in the mornings  and go- WOW that was her!

Like for example, when we'd just started sleeping together (after 3 months of platonic friendship- she told me she was gay then asked me home one drunk night), I had an interview at the agency she works at- a housing/dropin centre in the toughest part of town.

I get there, lock up my bike, and she's working the desk (she works the dropin, I didn't think this was odd till later). While I'm waiting for my interview, this client of the centre, big dude, street-hard comes up and starts saying 'thats my bike outside, you took my bike'

Theres a fairly long exchange where I'm telling him 'no it isn't' blah blah blah.  I go in for the interview, which felt weird, like the interviewers didn't vibe with me or something, come out and the seat and wheels are gone off my bike.

Why was she mad? I had a female friend coming in THAT day from D.C. to hang out and party that weekend.

So she switched spots with whoever was supposed to be on the desk so she could watch this whole scene play out with me clueless and her knowing she had masterminded it all.

Took  me a year and getting a bike lock to the face on the way to her place after we split to figure that one out.  Oh, and I didn't get that job, no doubt b/c of something she said to her boss.

No doubt there are a ton of other things she did- starting rumours, f*cking with my life in ways I couldnt see but she would know.

Spider in a web that one.  Scary woman.  But after all that I still had an incredibly intense sex dream about her last night.  Gah.  Then one after it where she was a vampire.