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[BlueWren]

Hi all. My partner and I have been together 20 years and we have a 17yo daughter. I've known for a long time I have CPTSD with panic disorder and now finally working out (as my boundaries firm up) partner has BPD (mostly 'queen' type) and considering that my mother did too (waif/hermit).
I am thinking it's possible I would have been more of a BPD type myself in a different relationship... .I consciously chose my partner as someone who 'wouldn't let me get away with stuff' as I've always been committed to growth... .but the sledgehammer approach is more than I bargained for.
I've just bought the Walking on Eggshells workbook. Since handling my own boundaries a bit better and doing regular mindfulness practice, I've noticed my partner switch to my daughter as 'the enemy' and I have been really sad about this. But I also see that the way she's been raised, she's not fooled by anything, she doesn't believe his accusations (although does check in with herself); her self-esteem doesn't take a blow; she sees it for the 'insanity' (in those moments) that it is, and trauma-driven. She just, understandably, feels compelled to defend herself and plunges into what she knows is a pointless hour long, at least, argument.
He's just gone back to sea after a particularly long, stressful time home and she gets to debrief with me while I listen and don't put him down. I have suggested we both work on 'not engaging' and she says 'but he'll just get even angrier at that'... .which is the point where I get stuck at because all I can think of is, 'so be it'. BUT she asked me last night what the workbook suggests, which I hadn't read yet so I said I'd get back to her. Having looked at it this morning, I already feel relief, it having reassured me that she will be all right.
I love my partner dearly and know he loves me. I've spent 20 years 'making it worse' by his anger triggering my PTSD and then I get lost on that slippery slope for so long, whereas, he can be in and out of his mood relatively quickly. Now I've got some sort of handle on what goes on for me, I feel we are not 'teetering on the brink of divorce' so much, that it's not quite so unbearable. Thanks for listening and I look forward to learning more and feeling not so alone with all this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry to hear that you and your daughter are having to deal with this. Learning to dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is hard enough, watching your daughter go through it with your partner must be really difficult.

There are some links in the sidebar to the right that are a great place to start to learn to no escalate the situation when he becomes dysregulated.

Your daughter sounds pretty smart. How old is she?