Finally ending the 19yr marriage, strangely struggling to find myself

[thefarside]

I don't have a lengthy introduction because who can spend 19yrs with someone who is BPD and not be totally worn out?  He's high functioning, invisible.  I like to add the invisible part as I feel it's an important distinction: it's invisible to most everyone.  Heck, he wasn't even diagnosed until this year!  The invisibility is why I've lost a few good friends this year, and why I've been invalidated SO much through the years.  I lived with Hyde behind closed doors, but most people only saw Jekyll most of the time.  They wondered what my problem was!  How could I not like such a fun, funny, nice guy? 

Now that we are divorcing there are SO many good things and no more constant relationship garbage, and now I'm finding that I'm struggling to live without all of the relationship stuff, as unhealthy as it was.  I believe a lot of that results from the relationship being an addiction, resulting from codependence and trauma bonding and what I understand of those two.  For the first time in my life I have found myself depressed (which yes, I'm treating), but it's shocking!  I finally get rid of the jerk and the first while was great, now it's just tough as all the strings of attachment are cut.  The trauma bonds are over.  The addictive relationship is gone.  And my brain and whatever part of my self that gets connected to relationships -- namely the highly destructive, traumatic, unhealthy one -- is seriously reeling.  It is the toughest place to find myself!

Who else has found themselves here?  What helped you navigate?  There are no problems or concerns of me wanting to go back to Mr BPD: that is over.  We are in the divorce process and there is no going back (sadly I have to deal with him in the divorce process: he hasn't blown up, YET.  I'm waiting for it, it's his specialty.)

[thefarside]

Ha!  Figured it out.  The stages of grieving, depression is the 4th stage.

[Sluggo]

thefarside,

it's invisible to most everyone.

Yes I am in the process of divorce after 18 years.  I know about the invisible part.  There are only a handful of people that have seen my BPDwife lose control and come unhinged -kids, myself, my dad who lived with us his last year of life, her siblings, and a couple marriage therapists (she got kicked out 4 different times from therapy because she couldn't cool down). 

It was when the marriage therapist saw it the first time, that was validating for me that maybe I am not so crazy.  But yes it has been hard in our church community as they have only seen the 'good' side.  We would be complimented quite often about our family and what a great example we are for them.  I would think internally... .if they only knew what happened.  How she can turn it on and off on a dime when talking with someone else.  There have been some families that have shunned me.  That is hard as I want to go up and tell them everything that has happened and what it is like sleeping in the garage, outside in the shed, at the office, or having to jump out our first floor window so I could leave the room that my wife would not let me out, etc etc etc.  Just like you have experienced I assume... or worse.   

I struggle with wondering what people think... .wow that guy left his 7 children. 

So I have found myself in a similar situation.  It is hard.  Some days are great others are awful.  Talking with a couple of close confidants, reading about BPD and relationships, this website, immersing myself in my work, prayer, and netflix.  I find it the worse when thinking of the kids and the limited contact I have with them and how the 4 oldest have carved me out of their life. 

What was the breaking point for you with leaving marriage and starting the divorce?  How did it come about he was diagnosed? 

[lovenature]

Ha!  Figured it out.  The stages of grieving, depression is the 4th stage.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance: these are the 5 stages but I will caution you that it is typical for people, myself included, to go through these stages in a non-linear and repeating cycle. I would advise you to accept and process any thoughts and emotions that come up, the only way out is through.

I have lost touch with reality and lost myself beyond anything I ever could have fathomed by going through a BPD relationship; you will find yourself again, then you, like me, can get back the good parts of our old selves, and improve the parts we need to.

[thefarside]

The breaking point for me was a lengthy process of events, but some of the highlights were: me setting boundaries and him not respecting them.  As in I would set one, and he would break it 100 times, and I would set it again and he would push it again and again and again -- total lack of respect for my boundaries, my personal space, and me.  Another huge one was seeing he wasn't going to change or if he was, it was going to take eons.  Example: we separated nearly 8 months ago (me setting a huge boundary) and we were trying to work on things.  When I decided I was done and going to divorce, he started to verbally assault me one day over a perceived threat concerning our one child under voting age.  He was battling things he perceived and made up, and was attacking me.  I was at a low point and I succumbed and told him I would try to work on things yet again because he scared me.  Of course he was happy as could be after that.  Then a couple weeks later I sent him an email with a very spiritual quote about when a man abuses his spouse or offspring and I asked him what it meant to him.  I was 99% certain he couldn't really answer the question directly because he has never been able to.  But I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt and see if several months of therapy focusing on (supposedly focusing on) BPD and an increase in his meds made a difference.  But just as I suspected, he couldn't answer it directly, just like normal.  There were other little things, like me telling him the reason I was even trying was because he made me scared, and HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY.  The straw that finally broke the camel's back?  Reading two specific things: one on a specific part of codependency, and reading about trauma bonding.  The codependency part was that as children our parents tell us "you made me mad/you make me embarrassed/you make me so happy, etc... ." and we grow up believing we can change people's emotions.  That was MY problem number #1, and unrealistic hope and belief that some day he was going to change and start treating me like a decent human.  Second, reading that trauma bonds are stronger than any other and I totally got that the relationship was about one traumatic event after another.  The evening I read those two, it sealed the deal for me.

I totally get what you're saying about people saying "you two are so great together" and on and on.  It's exactly how I lost one of my friend's this year.  She thought he was amazing and wonderful and said we had such a great family and proceeded to subtly chastise me.  I gave her a piece of my mind after telling her what was really real, and that was the end of that relationship.

Diagnosis: I was reading a book 'Why Does He Do That?' Or something similar about angry men (predominantly, as the author said only 10% of his angry patients were women).  I came across a section on BPD and said "HOLY CRAP" that's my spouse.  Then I got "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and was freaked out (not really) because it was like someone had been living in my relationship the last 19 years and wrote a book on it.  Then talked with the therapist, and she did the testing.  And she is the one that got him to admit what an a@@hole he is.  That was another one of those moments where I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.  She asked very pointed, driving questions of him with me there in the room and the one that really got me was when she said "And what do you do when you see you've hurt your family, and they're hurting, perhaps even crying."  And you know what he said, very quietly, with his head hanging, "I get meaner."  I couldn't believe it.  I still almost can't, except I was there.

[sad but wiser]

You are right Farside... .it is grief.  You put a lot of effort and energy onto something that gave so little... .and now you have to realize it went nowhere.  Ouch!  I was there (19 yrs with the male mother teresa , in public)   
   But!  Don't feel bad, look how many of us were in the same boat!  You can say you did your best.
   The bottom line is... .you will get better.  It didn't happen overnight, it won't heal overnight.  Keep on learning, let yourself grieve and find some fun too.  Fun is therapudic. Consider it PTSD as you were in a private war for years.

[thefarside]

sad but wiser -- better to figure this out late than never!  It is hard to let go of how grating it is that they're so fantastic in public.  Maybe someday I'll get that.

I try to keep focusing on the positive ... .I don't ever have to do that again; I can learn and grow; this is good for me to pass through and come out better, wiser, stronger; and so on.  And as I continue to drift around the stages of grief, eventually I will drift out of them altogether.

[sad but wiser]

Yes, have faith and be kind to yourself.  After all, you have already survived the war.  This is just the aftermath.  Keep walking toward the sunlight.  The day will come when you don't feel presaure to rehash it or figure it out again.  That is a nice day.  The day will come when you will just enjoy doing something and realize there is no one there to pass judgement.  Those days come... .in time.