Is it always this rough?

[Dhierne]

This is my first post here. Just want to say I am glad I found it. My boyfriend or fiance, depending on the day has BPD. I have known him for 16 years and we used to date when we were younger. We reconnected a few months ago and things were great for a little while. Now he is worried that I am cheating on him, he says he doesn't trust me and that I dont listen. He gets so angry all the time at things I have or have not done. He has told me a few times that it isn't me he is angry at. But I still feel so drained after he gets angry. I try to be the strong one but i know that I'm not. I want to be but I just don't know how to deal with BPD. I love him and I am willing to do what it takes to stay with him. Sorry if this is all over the place and vague. I am tired after this most recent argument we had. I will post more tomorrow when I am more awake.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jonmnemonic]

Yes, it is always this rough.  When it's not you can be sure that it will be again soon.

[Meili]

Sure, it will be rough again, but that can be said for any relationship. All relationships go through rough patches after all. The frequency and intensity of a BPD relationship depends largely on how we communicate with our partners and where they fall on the BPD spectrum.

There are some links in the sidebar to the right that can help you begin to learn to communicate more effectively. The idea is to not escalate the situation when our BPD partners become emotionally aroused. We often do so by justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining (JADE'ing). We invalidate their feelings when we do so. This accomplishes nothing other than to escalate the situation and make things worse.

[waverider]

First off there is no magic pill, words, or tricks we can offer you to fix him, only techniques you can use to reduce the effect on you, and any contribution you may make, or feel responsible for.

First step is to identify what aspects are getting to you the most and why you feel vulnerable to them.

He is not angry at what you have or haven't done, he is angry at not getting his needs or immediate gratifications met. He projects this onto you in a forceful way that is probably making you feel responsible and guilty.

Differentiating your responsibilities from his, will help to diminish this path for projection. Are there any examples we could work through to illustrate this.?

Waverider

[Lockjaw]

Yes, it is always this rough.  When it's not you can be sure that it will be again soon.

Truer words have never been spoken. When its good, every time she opens her mouth, I wonder if this is going to be the next argument.

Some of my favorites are:

She can do it, but I can't.
I have to answer her questions, she doesn't have to answer mine.
The right answer is, there is no right answer.
The easy solution is, there is no easy solution.
No matter what I do, its not right.

[Dhierne]

Differentiating your responsibilities from his, will help to diminish this path for projection. Are there any examples we could work through to illustrate this.?

Waverider

He has a couple credit card payments and a fine he is paying on... .or was. He constantly says how his stuff never gets taken care of because he is always doing things for me. I have never asked him to not take care of his financial responsibilities and do for me instead.

I admit and take responsibility for not getting the greatest jobs, but he also helped me get some good ones that I left to take care of him in a couple of major crisis he had. Not exactly the best decision I know, but I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

I have my own bills that are falling by the wayside while I continue to try and do for him. Another not so great decision I am half sure.

I love him immensely and would go through hell and back for him. I don't want to fix him, just make it easier to be with him. I accept him exactly as he is, BPD and all.

[waverider]

pwBPD can be notoriously bad at budgeting commitments. Nothing I could do could possible teach my wife how to do this responsibly. But handballing everything to me and have me chase her for it simply would not work, and would be too stressful.

So my agreement in this situation is she transfers the same $xx every payday into an account, regardless of any amounts pending. This becomes the bills account which is used as and when required by me. The point is it just becomes an automatic payment by me without having to chase up funds as the buffer is already there. If eventually there is a surplus this is default savings. It falls behind the the regular payments are increased, until trial and error determines and stable amount

It makes it easy for both of us, and she is still liable for the contribution.