The unsolvable puzzle

[oldgrowth]

Hello anyone. I'm here looking for the truth.
I'll shorten my 18 year story with my wife, a pwBPD and comorbid factors of MDD, PTSD, bipolar disorder, and panic disorder. My wife has been diagnosed with these illnesses except for bipolar, they have just used the MDD title, yet her three month long manic state tells me otherwise. Now, the"manic" part of her that I fell in love with may just be BPD (histrionic personality disorder I would say is a better fit, but with all of the comorbidity, she is more on a spectrum).

11 years ago my wife and I got pregnant, 9 months later, after an excruciating pregnancy my wife gave birth to our daughter Annie (wife's first and only my second child) and my life was forever changed. Annie was born without functioning kidneys, something we found out after an emergency room visit at a week old. At age one Annie had a dialysis catheter and a gtube. I was Annie's caregiver from day 1, and little did I know what was in store for us.
Something else with Annie, she cried A LOT, and didn't want to eat. Yes she was miserable most of the time, all of the meds, being too dry or fluid overloaded, it must have been hell for her. Still, she acted awful peculiar. Every day and night I held her while not on dialysis, every day for years I had to be in the same room, WITH eye contact. Then at age three after the dialysis nurse suggested we talk to the therapist I first heard the term Autism. I thought, hmm, she doesn't look autistic (it's not downs syndrome, old me moron).

My learning journey started there. For 3 more years we set in solidarity confinement, while Samantha went to work to support us. With Annie by my side I tried techniques, I screamed, she screamed, I got her to eat strawberries, sort of, because I got her to let me brush her teeth and I noticed she didn't HATE the strawberry toothpaste.
I researched, found a few hobbies I would come to love, like gardening, I couldn't garden but I could watch other people. Then I REALLY wanted to garden, live in the country, maybe raise some chickens, have well water (instead of a $100 water bill!). But we were a one income family (plus SSI), and had bad credit. So, first thing, bankrupcy because as I found after that you only need two years and a still bad 480 credit score.
So bankrupt we were, then the steps, crappy credit card, cheap car and payment. Done, done, done.
More research, how do you buy a house? (Samantha and I already bought and lost a house before Annie, but they just gave us the first one we looked at) How do you buy a used home, anywhere, with land? How are well and septic systems made? How do you maintain them, how does a water softener work?
Well in between fits, fun, and play/teaching Annie a sort of learned some of these questions.
Thanks YouTube.
Fast forward 3 years, it's 2012, and all of my cheapness even though I wanted to splurge to make myself feel better, and Samantha going to work every day got us a house in the country. An acre with over half fenced, a well and septic, hell in 2013 I even got my first flock.
Then I got another bug, school. I'm really curious, I like science and the written word, but most of all psychology and philosophy. I started taking classes in 2014, 3 classes online, 3 A's, "free eggs" life was improving for all of us. The last day, after my last essay, Samantha walks through the door as I type the last two words, raise my arms, and she says "I got fired."

Now mind you I'm an excellent as I say, houseb___. Take care of Annie, budget, pay the bills, fix the car, take out the trash, fix healthy meals and do the dishes (by hand). All while cleaning the house, intensive gardening, animal keeping, and going to school.
Samantha is depressed, she worked 4 days a week, but in working at her job for 11 years she still got 3 weeks vacation, one week sick, plus holidays, and she still had unpaid days off.
She did do the laundry, she actually likes it. She also watched Annie when she got home, she had no choice, Annie demanded it.
The job loss made Samantha psychotic for almost two years. Rocking back and forth, pacing the yard, stuttering. She then got another part time job, and shortly lost it.
I didn't mention, Samantha is also an addict. She almost Oded a couple times, come to find out she lost her job asking for drugs from a coworker.
Samantha, like Annie also has physical illness. Carpal tunnel, in her "money hand" (10 key),kidney stones, sciatica, fibromyalgia, IBS, and come to think about there has never been a day without suffering for her after Annie, and Annie's illness is how Samantha got the PTSD diagnosis.
I knew that employment was out of the question, so after a lot of persuasion, I talked her into applying for disability, and I, for the first time in 10 years, left my daughter's side 3 nights a week as a server, luckily I'm pretty motivated and usually make $100 + a night so I bring us the limit, $1100 a month and then too much (to apply for SNAP and low cost medical).

Well, Samantha started taking money, and my pain meds out of my lock box. I confronted her, and she said, "it's my money too." Well, ok, but no, none of it is ours, it's for the bills we don't make enough to live.
So I upgraded the box to a different one. Couple days later she hacked it by rolling the tumblers. Changed the code, she hacked again.

That day, I was livid so for the first time in our relationship, after she retread (she doesn't care about consequences, just shut up) I went through her purse. I was SHOCKED, she had pawned her $3000 wedding ring for $100 and just LET IT GO.
Three days layer she comes in and says "I went to the methadone clinic, I'm clean now."
Uh, ok, but methadone is $16 plus gas (and an energy drink) or $600 a month.
Well, obviously someone who makes $1200 a month or less, and is already $300 short a month, can't afford that.
So I, once again after much persuasion talked her into suboxone. Helped her ween over, watching Annie by myself the four days I had off. It was successful, but, it still cost $300 a month. So I talked a friend into moving in, and their rent would cover the gap, (not the initial $300 a month gap).
Two months later, 30 benzos come up missing from my friends girlfriend, for her panic attacks. The main suspect Samantha (me or my friend never takes any benzo).
They move out and stick us with their utilities and no rent.
Last ditch effort. Maybe Samantha could take a couple classes, like me. Annie is having her most stable year ever, Samantha doesn't do anything productive at all while she's in school.
So again I beg, and beg. She says she will, but on literally the LAST day, I sign her up, fill out FAFSA and student loan for her.
Samantha is doing great! She is happy buying school supplies, making labels, and writing her first discussion posts.
I get my loan loan first because I had been previously enrolled, paid every cent on credit card debt.
Her loan comes a month later, I pay all of the bills, and the rest on credit card debt. Hallelujah, if she gets SSI next month (the FINAL judgement), along with Annie's SSI, and me working, we'll be in the best shape EVER. I run in and tell Samantha we did it, and that night I sleep like a baby.
The next day I wake up, she withdrew $900 from the account. I was floored, and I said, the bank account is going to bounce. She said, I talked to a lawyer, I want a divorce, and he says half is mine. The bank assured me everything came out.
Obviously not the truth, mortgage came out and -$900.
By the way, I upgraded the lock box again by this time, and kept the key on my person 24/7.
She also demanded her credit cards or she would call the police.
I gave them to her.
She maxed them out. All of this money is going on junk. She made another room into her new room. With new bed, tv, dressers, pictures, heating pads.
I found out she opened new credit cards at Victoria secret, maxed those out.
Now she starts her new focus, escalated from divorce to, I'm abusive and Annie is scared of me.
She goes to her SSI meeting and gets approved.
She won't get and money for three months, and no back pay for much longer.
I plead with her not to take any more money I put in out so I can pay the bills.
I don't because I don't trust her.
Annie's SSI though is linked to our shared account, but I am and always have been the representative payee. Samantha got up early on the first and cleared that account, bought weed and went on another shopping spree.
I used my whole months money to open another account and pay the mortgage, and she gives me ___ for not paying the other bills.
She calls the police out, and goes to a hotel, saying she's afraid of me, even though we never argued (as with Annie, yelling or logic is useless, I've had years of suppression emotion).
A few days later she calls the police to our house. Again no fighting, every time I try to talk at all she points her phone at me, and says"you're harassing me."
A few days later I get a protective order saying I abused her sexually and verbally. I'll take this time to get way too personal, we haven't had regular sex since before Annie was born, she says it hurts (another psychological problem, she has no lady bits left inside). I mean like once a year if that.

So I leave and stay at my father's house until we go to court (spend the first night away from Annie ever). I'm scared she's trying to set me up. Next day I stay at my mother's house, it's a lot closer to my home. The next day I don't have to work and need to see Annie, so I tell Samantha, I'm borrowing my moms car, why don't you go somewhere and have fun, and I'll watch Annie. She says OK, I knew she would, taking care of her by yourself for three days straight is not for the timid.
Annie and I have a great time, then it gets late and Annie wants to talk to Samantha, Samantha says she's feeling anxious and is going to stay at a hotel. I said ok, but can you Skype Annie? (Annie is having awful, screaming fits). Samantha says, I didn't want to tell you but I'm going to the hospital, I'm having a panic attack.
Annie calms down and I'm happy because I don't feel unsafe in my own home, I'm still concerned for Samantha though, but we go to the hospital a lot in our family, I know she'll feel better.
Next day I unhooked Annie (she received a transplant at 3yo, and it failed at 9yo so she's back on dialysis) put her on the bus. At 3pm Samantha's sister texts me on Facebook, "do you know where Samantha is?" Well, I don't speak to Samantha's sister so I say, "jail?"
I get, "yep."
I say, "What for?" She says, "guess." I say,"drugs?" I get, "nope."
I say, "shoplifting?" And get a yes.

Samantha doesn't know I know and is still telling me it was heart problems... .
Then she gets home, talks to her sister and shows no shame or remorse.
It gets worse. A week earlier I order a replacement credit card, so she can't buy online things.
After all of this, she took my credit card from the mail, went and filled up the tank, then went to Meijer and spent $200 on more junk, and was STILL shoplifting on top of that.
Even worse my card somehow ended up getting "stolen" from her and used at gas stations and liquor stores after she was already home. I guess she gave it away for a ride from jail to the car.
The last few days she took Annie to clinic and again repeated the story of abuse so another visit from an officer along with CPS.
Samantha also tried to sell my winter coat, and hocked my microphone (I write songs, play guitar too).
Then the very latest is she took one of those personal loans they send everyone in the mail. One that probably gives you $1500 and you pay back $4000. I forgot to mention, she stopped doing any schoolwork the day she took that money.
Now tonight she is giving me an ultimatum, I move out, or she's taking Annie and leaving state.

So here I am. Once again doing my homework (luckily I'm ahead on my schoolwork and it's break next week).

I have no want or desire for Samantha. I don't miss her. This whole time I've put up with all of this because Annie has always been so attached to Samantha.
If I didn't think Samantha would kill Annie out of laziness and over/under medication I would suck it up. They will both torture each other until one of them passes.
I feel morally obligated to try to gain custody. Not that I would really have to, Samantha hit in the face a couple times, the last time I left her, and went to my mother's house and Samantha said, "you're not taking my baby!" So I left Annie with her, Samantha brought her over a couple of hours later and she stayed with me there and then at a little apartment we were able to get. Samantha also got an apartment, we got back together after 6 months or so, and ewe was it NASTY.
Still, I like to over prepare. I'm scared of not having my daughter next to me. I feel like we're Siamese Twins.

[ForeverDad]

Wow.  First, welcome.  This is peer support that has, like you, "been there done that".  We've shared our experiences and more importantly which strategies worked, which didn't and why.

Sensitive topics are mentioned here and so for anonymity the people in our lives should be referenced by altered names.  If any of the names mentioned in your posts are real, then you can ask a moderator to assist in editing prior posts.

There are several issues you've mentioned.  Frankly, the legal system will put the child (a minor) ahead of the parents (adults).  That means your daughter will get more attention than your spouse, or even you.  How is she doing?  Did the professionals settle on what her mental health issues were? 

As for you and your spouse, despite your efforts over many years, she has worsened, her poor behaviors are much worse than before.  After all these years you should know that giving her "one more chance" won't turn her around.  She's already had too many "one more chances".  Maybe something will, but clearly she's not listening to you.  So base your future decisions on that, facts and not hopes or wishes.  Look back over the past several years, we have a saying here, The past is a good predictor of the future.  That you have found your way here indicates you accept changes are needed, changes for the better.  Many others will also respond to your posts, some with their own similar experiences and what helped them, others with solid insights and perspectives, others pointing you to other boards and articles to guide YOU to resources and education YOU need, still others just to support you as you make the needed changes in your family's life.

If your own behaviors are good and your spouse is continuing to get into all this legal trouble then there is a real possibility that if/when the marriage is ended then you would look more favorable to the agencies and court to be the custodial parent.

However keep in mind that many changes have to happen.  You need to protect yourself from being set up as a bad guy.  If she rages against you, don't ever rage back.  If she hits you, don't hit back.  Things she as a woman will face little consequence for would be taken more seriously with you, a man.  Don't let her trap or maneuver you into looking bad.  I recall in my own separation and divorce my then-spouse tried to make me look worse than her by making allegations against me.  Claims of DV, child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment often are made my pwBPD (or other acting-out disorders) to make us the targets of their misbehaviors look worse than them.  Fortunately in my case her allegations failed and over time the court granted me more and more authority in my child's life.

Could you have limited the damage over the years?  For example, you mention she misused her credit card repeatedly.  (I have concern she has shifted to the mind of an addict, driven by her own weaknesses and has lost much concern for others' welfare.)  While you can't stop her from shoplifting, you can set up the cards to limit damage to you.  Is the credit card account in your name alone, hers or a joint one?

• If hers, then she is responsible or perhaps to some extent the marriage but not you directly.
• If yours, then you have a right to decide whether to allow her to be a card holder on your account.  You decide that based on real long term improvements in her behaviors and not tears or quick promises.
• If a joint account, then that is more complicated.  It is best to close that account and restart with your own personal account.  This can be difficult especially if there are unpaid balances and the lender makes it difficult.

While many of her behaviors — shoplifting, stealing drugs, etc — were done without your knowledge, the fact remains that you continued the relationship afterward, time after time.  Although it was not your intention you effectively enabled her to continue on that path.  Many members here were guilty of that, often not even aware how our weak boundaries enabled that.  Here on this site you can learn about co-dependent behaviors, risks of enabling poor behaviors, and how to set better boundaries.

Something I learned here, after years here so possibly I'm a slow learner, is that boundaries are not for my spouse, ex-spouse or others.  Boundaries are for Me.  How so?  Well, you've no doubt been telling your spouse for years what not to do and how to make things work better.  Clearly that didn't work, you were unable to set boundaries for her.  No, you need to modify your own boundaries.  As an simple example, "If you misuse the card, I will cancel the card and you will have to Earn It Back.  Claiming you're stuck, in a tight spot, desperate or promise with tears flowing to never do it again won't work any more."  That can be a Boundary for just one aspect of your financial situation, one of many you need to set for your own protection as well as your daughter's protection.

One final note.  You no doubt feel you have a mountain of issues on your shoulders.  And that's true to some extent.  But you can't fix it all at once.  Prioritize things that must be done urgently.  Which of those can be accomplished sooner than others?  Which issue(s) if handled well can then make other problems go away or at least recede into the background?  You can't do it all at once but you sure can chip away and reduce that mountain so that someday it really will seem more like a mole hill.