Don't know what to do

[Struggling4995]

Hi all, I don't really know why I'm posting here, i suppose i just don't know where to turn. So my husband has not been diagnosed with BPD i only know of it because his mother has it. Over the 12 years we have been together his personality, his temper, his (what feels like) hate towards me has got worse and worse. I managed to get him to go and see a doctor about 6 years ago who diagnosed OCD he did a couple of CBT appointments then just stopped. The last 12 months have been the worst of my life his drinking has been ridiculous, the nastiness he spouts towards me, i have started college and he seems to hate it. I am constantly worrying what little thing will set him off next. I do love him with all my heart but i don't know how to make this better, how do i get him to see his temper and overreactions is what's causing the arguments not everyone else. At the minute i can't seem to see a solution and have told him i think our marriage may be over, he honestly doesn't seem like he cares, this has changed me too I'm not the confident outgoing person i used to be and am now questioning of it is me thats actually ill. I also worry about our kids, its not fair on them to see all the arguing and when he is on one they can fall victim to the name calling.Sorry for rambling i didn't realise how much i needed to just spurt this out somewhere.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Struggling4995]

And just to confirm i really do wamt our marriage to work but i just don't know how to make that happen.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you are experiencing all of that. It can be really tough. But, it's good that you are seeing what is going on and looking for a different way to handle the situation.

There are some links in the sidebar on the right to help you find healthier ways of dealing with all of it.

Could you provide us with some details about the recent events that brought you to this place? Knowing what is going on will help the members of the boards be better able to support you.

Also, it helps to read and reply to the threads of others. If nothing else, it lets you know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.

[Struggling4995]

Hi thanks for the reply, i found it really difficult to articulate what was happening last night and found myself in tears just writing what i did. I still dont know how to pinpoint things exactly. My husbands behaviour has got worse and worse over the years but the last 12 months have been a living hell. He has recently vowed to stop drinking because when he does it's beyond excessive, staying out all when he's made arrangements for the next morning, coming home and just unleashing a torrent of verbal abuse at me for no reason. The smallest little thing (kids leaving a chocolate wrapper in the bedroom) will provoke an irrational response of anger. He needs constant confirmation that we all love and adore him, if he meets someone new he immediately places them on a pedestal but within days he thinks they are the worst person he knows. He wakes up in a bad mood for no reason but then tries to transfer that emotion onto me saying I'm the one in a mood and in it all he tells me it's me that has a problem I'm so negative and like a black cloud hanging over him. I started college in september and that seems to be a problem he is constantly telling me i am taking on too much or that all i ever do is college work, even though i try purposely not to do it when he his home. It just seems impossible to make him happy and i don't know where to turn.

[Meili]

It is impossible to make him happy, so it's best to stop wasting time and energy on that. No person can make another person feel a certain way. It's up to each of us to own our emotions.

Also, you cannot "fix" him, so that notion needs to be discarded as well.

What you can do is look at yourself and what changes you can make to better the situation. Listening with empathy will probably help, so will not invalidating him.

Let's take the candy wrappers as an example. How would you handle that?

[Struggling4995]

The candy wrappers I have recently altered my approach, in the past I would tell him 'that's what kids do stop overreacting' which obviously made things a million times worse. Now i tend to tell him I understand it is frustrating repeating ourselves, all that happens then is he demands i pinish our daughter which I'm not willing to do just to appease him, this obviously then enrages him even more. I try so hard to find ways to keep life as stress free as possible for him but it does not seem possible and as much as i want him to know i support him I won't go to tje extent of punishing a child just for being a child.

[Struggling4995]

One of the things i think i am really finding hard is that i seem to have lost myself. I do everything i can to try and keep things calm at home that i never do anything anymore. I avoid seeing my parents because even though he used to love them he now can't stand them. If I go when he is away then that confirms that they don't like him and if i go when he is home i have to listen to him run them down all the way home and rest of that night. Him amd my mum work opposite weekends so the only time they can visit here is when he is at work but again this is somehow something i have arranged because they don't like him. So now to keep the peace i tend to make excuses not to see them. I have stopped talking to male friends that i have known over half my life because he is convinced i want to be with them rather than him, it is in all honesty becoming exhausting and I worry for our two kids.

[Meili]

Oh, yes, it does sound truly exhausting!

One of the best things that you can do for yourself and your kids is stop trying to appease him and stop isolating yourself. You are just as worthy of being happy as he is.

You don't have to listen to him run down your parents. Define and maintain your boundary, if it's just an internal one, that you won't do that anymore. If he starts, refuse to engage in the conversation and leave if he continues. Just like with a toddler, he'll push on that boundary to see if he can break it. If he breaks it, then you've taught him that he can always break your boundary and get away with it. If you stand firm on your boundary, then he'll likely act out the first few times. Again, just like with a toddler, he'll learn that his old methods are no longer working and stop.

It's good to hear that you've changed how you are dealing with the wrapper situation. It's great that you realized that validating his feelings are better than fighting. And, even better, you have defined and maintained a boundary!

[Struggling4995]

Thank you i can't even explain how good it feels to read that, at the minute it just feels like everything i do/say or anyway i try to handle any given situation is wrong. I find myself sitting here wondering if he's right is there something wrong with me, but then i realise out side of our home i don't have these problems, I'm happy people are comfortable around me, I don't stress and i can express how i feel. I just want him to realise that we all love and support him but that we can't do it alone he needs to also help himself, at the minute though that seems totally out of the question. I just don't know how long i can carry on when I have the kids to consider too.

[Meili]

You are not alone in having your partner make you wonder if you're the person who is disordered. Most of us have gone through that. It's good that you realize that it isn't you!

Realizing that you don't have to own his criticism will help you greatly. When we stop taking what they say about us personally, we start to rebuild our self-esteem and inner strength. Even if he completely believes the things that he says when he's emotionally aroused to be true, that's nothing more than his opinion at that moment and not a true reflection of who you are.

The best way to show him love is by learning to communicate with him in a healthier manner and being consistent. Of course, to show him love, you must make sure to love yourself first.

[Hisaccount]

I could have responded to a bunch of these threads, but look at co-dependency. I see the signs over and over.

We lose ourselves in these relationships. The one that really did it for me what when the therapist asked me, where is your favorite place to eat?
I responded with my spouses favorite place to eat.
Spent most of the relationship trying to smooth things over, to keep the peace, giving up my dreams to make another happy.
Going through a divorce, looking at dating sites I am often asked, what do you like to do?
I honestly have no idea what I enjoy.

That caused my spouse to lose respect for me and I failed at being the strong leader she needed.

[Meili]

We lose ourselves in these relationships.

That is a very true statement. In fact, one of the most important things that we discuss around here is finding ourselves again. It is extremely important to our own mental health do detach in a loving way from our pwBPD. Finding the strength to maintain such a relationship is near impossible as long as we are focused entirely on the other person. We need to take care of ourselves first.