Guilt and Pity

[sleepyinseattle]

I just need advice to find out how I can stop feeling so guilty about divorcing the person who, for over 20 years, I have taken care of in my relationship. No matter how clear and concise I am about the fact that the marriage is over, he continues to have hope and say it's never too late for me to return to him. He has lost a lot of weight, looks gaunt, is severely depressed (is being treated), and says there is nothing in life that gives him joy except for me. Then, when he calls on the phone, he tells me what a great person he is and what a piece of s**t I am. Yet, I continue to pity him and feel guilty for leaving him. Ack! Help!

[ForeverDad]

It may take time for your heart to catch up to your head, but you know putting him before your needs is what is damaging you.  We've often used an acronym here, FOG, to represent the improper control others who are manipulators or controllers attempt to do.

FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Try to view them for positive aspects, not the negative ones used to wear you down or weaken you.

While we do need to be helpful to others, we can't do it to our detriment.  As they instruct you on every airline flight, "In the even of an emergency put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."  It is not wrong to sometimes find that you have to put yourself first.  Especially when the obligating or guilting is negative or erodes good protective boundaries.

[Mutt]

Hi sleepyinseattle,



I'd like to join ForeverDad and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'd like to echo ForeverDad, guilt can feel toxic.

says there is nothing in life that gives him joy except for me.

If he has BPD traits then you know that the person is not being realistic when they view you or the world with idealization and devaluation. He'll put you on a pedestal, only to know you off that same pedestal.

he tells me what a great person he is and what a piece of s**t I am

He feels "less than" and is putting you down. You have right to want to get off the emotional rollercoaster and be happy, you're not responsible for other people's feelings.