The sex, the deception, the pain

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone, brand new to this site. To sort of preface my questions, I'll start by summarizing my experience with my EX BPD.

I fell head over heels with her after meeting her at work, we had incredible unprotected sex constantly and I thought to myself that certainly I'd found the jackpot. She was into music like me, hung around the same places I did, and seemed extremely professional and responsible. I didn't know this until I met her, but I lived my life extremely guarded to intimacy. I had sex, sure. But I never had intimacy in my entire life. I left after sex, but not this time. I wanted to stick around. We had fun, I was funny, she enjoyed it, she made me feel incredible about myself... .total whirlwind for me.

Fast forward 15 months, we had been living together for 3 months (totally terrible decision) and arguing incessantly. I felt like a broken record. I voiced concerns within the relationship dynamic, my feeling under-stimulated intellectually, and my frustration with always having to initiate sex. That said, the sex was still completely mind-blowing. All in all, things were not going well, but I simply saw things as speedbumps. This was my first love. That's what you do, right? You work out the kinks. Well, one day after making love I saw a suggestive text from a male friend that I was always a bit suspicious of, and upon my asking to let me see the text messages, she deleted them all and admitted she did in fact have a crush on this man (whom she texted constantly for upwards of 5 months). I was completely and utterly devastated. I left the house and went to my mother's where I was completely numb between crying episodes. I was completely blinded. I had never so much as suspected actual infidelity, even on this emotional basis. Fast forward three weeks and a horrible storm of emotions and consideration, and I forgave her and asked her to officially come back as my partner again. About two weeks later I discovered that she cheated on me with her ex approximately a month into our relationship. That means for the entire 14 months of our dating, traveling the world, falling in love, there was this secret that was kept from me. I could not fathom what I was hearing.

I tried to distance myself from her but found that I simply couldn't. I would create meetings that were in the guise of practical things like picking up some of her stuff, but we'd always make love. In fact the sex became more and more intense. I moved out of our house and into a one bedroom apartment. She slept over the first two days that I lived in this new apartment, which was terribly idiotic. I woke up with her to a text from the first man she was emotionally involved with, asking to meet up so that we could discuss some things. I showed her the text and she looked puzzled, as though she had no idea why he would do such a thing. Mind you, to my understanding, she had stopped talking to this man almost entirely and had pushed and pushed that it was entirely emotional and not physical. He texted me telling me that everything my girlfriend had been telling me was a complete lie. By this time she was already away and so everything was communicated via text. They had been sleeping together. She slept with a man in LA on her birthday vacation. He was certain there were others, too. Without going into too much detail, I have since discovered that one of the first things we connected on, her physical abuse in high school and the abusers subsequent imprisonment, was a lie. This is why she never told me his last name. Because he wasn't real.

Looking back over the span of 15 months, there were several things that I now suspect were shrouded in deception. This has been the hardest time of my entire life. By far. I can't begin to articulate it but it seems that some on here may understand more than others. We travelled the world starting in Malaysia and being a rather poor kid from the midwest this was a life-changing experience. She got me on an airplane for the first time. She was a traveller. But not me. This was huge for me. I wasn't as adult as she was in many ways.

Now here I sit, I had sex with her 3 times after the break-up (it's a complete addiction) and have not been able to so much as look at a woman the way I view her. I am not kidding when I say that I found her to be the most beautiful woman in the entire world. I found sex with her to be heaven on earth. Intimacy was something I never felt. I never wanted to stay the night. Now I did, with a person who may not have ever loved me, despite our saying it frequently after 6 months into the relationship.

For those who have detached from their partners, how long did it take you to get to that point? I have been NC for 1 month and she moved to LA on my birthday. I find myself caught up in the obsession that is this relationship the majority of my day. I spend probably 4 hours a day reading about BPD relationships. It's become maddening. I just want relief from the pain and obsession and to be able to maybe find a connection with someone else eventually. The progress feels so painfully slow and I still ask myself if she saw any of this experience as sacred. Her actions say no, but it certainly felt like an incredible rush of infatuation both ways. This is traumatizing. Knowing she is out sleeping around while I am still here losing weight and reading BPD forums. It's difficult.

[seeperplexed]

Hey everyone, brand new to this site. To sort of preface my questions, I'll start by summarizing my experience with my EX BPD.

I fell head over heels with her after meeting her at work, we had incredible unprotected sex constantly and I thought to myself that certainly I'd found the jackpot. She was into music like me, hung around the same places I did, and seemed extremely professional and responsible. I didn't know this until I met her, but I lived my life extremely guarded to intimacy. I had sex, sure. But I never had intimacy in my entire life. I left after sex, but not this time. I wanted to stick around. We had fun, I was funny, she enjoyed it, she made me feel incredible about myself... .total whirlwind for me.

Fast forward 15 months, we had been living together for 3 months (totally terrible decision) and arguing incessantly. I felt like a broken record. I voiced concerns within the relationship dynamic, my feeling under-stimulated intellectually, and my frustration with always having to initiate sex. That said, the sex was still completely mind-blowing. All in all, things were not going well, but I simply saw things as speedbumps. This was my first love. That's what you do, right? You work out the kinks. Well, one day after making love I saw a suggestive text from a male friend that I was always a bit suspicious of, and upon my asking to let me see the text messages, she deleted them all and admitted she did in fact have a crush on this man (whom she texted constantly for upwards of 5 months). I was completely and utterly devastated. I left the house and went to my mother's where I was completely numb between crying episodes. I was completely blinded. I had never so much as suspected actual infidelity, even on this emotional basis. Fast forward three weeks and a horrible storm of emotions and consideration, and I forgave her and asked her to officially come back as my partner again. About two weeks later I discovered that she cheated on me with her ex approximately a month into our relationship. That means for the entire 14 months of our dating, traveling the world, falling in love, there was this secret that was kept from me. I could not fathom what I was hearing.

I tried to distance myself from her but found that I simply couldn't. I would create meetings that were in the guise of practical things like picking up some of her stuff, but we'd always make love. In fact the sex became more and more intense. I moved out of our house and into a one bedroom apartment. She slept over the first two days that I lived in this new apartment, which was terribly idiotic. I woke up with her to a text from the first man she was emotionally involved with, asking to meet up so that we could discuss some things. I showed her the text and she looked puzzled, as though she had no idea why he would do such a thing. Mind you, to my understanding, she had stopped talking to this man almost entirely and had pushed and pushed that it was entirely emotional and not physical. He texted me telling me that everything my girlfriend had been telling me was a complete lie. By this time she was already away and so everything was communicated via text. They had been sleeping together. She slept with a man in LA on her birthday vacation. He was certain there were others, too. Without going into too much detail, I have since discovered that one of the first things we connected on, her physical abuse in high school and the abusers subsequent imprisonment, was a lie. This is why she never told me his last name. Because he wasn't real.

Looking back over the span of 15 months, there were several things that I now suspect were shrouded in deception. This has been the hardest time of my entire life. By far. I can't begin to articulate it but it seems that some on here may understand more than others. We travelled the world starting in Malaysia and being a rather poor kid from the midwest this was a life-changing experience. She got me on an airplane for the first time. She was a traveller. But not me. This was huge for me. I wasn't as adult as she was in many ways.

Now here I sit, I had sex with her 3 times after the break-up (it's a complete addiction) and have not been able to so much as look at a woman the way I view her. I am not kidding when I say that I found her to be the most beautiful woman in the entire world. I found sex with her to be heaven on earth. Intimacy was something I never felt. I never wanted to stay the night. Now I did, with a person who may not have ever loved me, despite our saying it frequently after 6 months into the relationship.

For those who have detached from their partners, how long did it take you to get to that point? I have been NC for 1 month and she moved to LA on my birthday. I find myself caught up in the obsession that is this relationship the majority of my day. I spend probably 4 hours a day reading about BPD relationships. It's become maddening. I just want relief from the pain and obsession and to be able to maybe find a connection with someone else eventually. The progress feels so painfully slow and I still ask myself if she saw any of this experience as sacred. Her actions say no, but it certainly felt like an incredible rush of infatuation both ways. This is traumatizing. Knowing she is out sleeping around while I am still here losing weight and reading BPD forums. It's difficult.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Wow man, I'm really sorry for what happened to you.  I can tell you're really hurting and confused still.

As to whether she saw any of this as 'sacred'- one of the resources I read on this site really made an impact on me- 'do not make the mistake of thinking that they understand or experience the relationship in the same way you do.'

That doesn't take away from how you feel, or what you experienced, but it does mean that those feelings and experiences were not shared by her.  Coming to accept that was one of the hardest parts for me, but one of the most worthwhile. 

I wish you lots of luck and healing light on your journey, my friend!

[Aussie0zborn]

This is very painful but you will get over it. It does take some time and just a little bit of strategy, namely maintain NO CONTACT. When you want to break it, just remember that nothing good can come from it.

Try walking and general exercise. It helps a lot. Keep away from other women while you're detoxing. If you think you could use a little female company for distraction it will more than likely have an adverse effect on you.

The intimacy, my friend, was not real for her. Only for you. Feel pride in knowing that you are capable of it which means you are capable of having a healthy relationship in future while she can't. Keep away from her and don't damage yourself further.

It hurts like hell, but... .no pain, no gain. Good luck.

[rfriesen]

The progress feels so painfully slow and I still ask myself if she saw any of this experience as sacred. Her actions say no, but it certainly felt like an incredible rush of infatuation both ways. This is traumatizing.

This is one of the most common questions that people get stuck on around here. I still find my mind turning it over at times, more than eight months out from our final break-up. It is really hard to stop thinking about it, even though there might be no clear answer even in her mind, and it probably wouldn't help you to know it one way or the other if there were.

After all, I take it that you mean her actions now say no, but her actions then say yes. In the face of such contradictory behaviour, your mind races to make sense of which version of her is the "real one". Because we know that if we acted in such contradictory ways, it would be because we were lying or being phoney or otherwise not open and honest when acting in one of the two contradictory ways. Your ex, by contrast, might not have a consistent sense of self. That, again, is a common theme around here.

Your ex might have felt open and loving and crazy about you in the moment. That's why it's so hard to believe she wasn't being sincere. But her inner world might be chaotic and changeable, so that the very next day (or minute) she can act in ways that seem utterly inexplicable if she was sincere in her love for you. If that fits with your experience, then it's up to you to decide whether that "counts" as real or sacred. It doesn't really matter how we label it -- as you say, either way it's traumatizing to share such intense moments and such an intense bond with someone who can't hold onto those feelings with any kind of consistency at all.

As hard as it is, try not to let your mind get caught up in deciding how "real" it all was for her. However intense her own emotions may have been in the moment, she betrayed you horribly throughout your relationship. It wasn't real in any sense that is worth having in a relationship you're committed to and invested in. As I say, try not to focus on what she was thinking, feeling, intending, ... .We all struggle with that, but it's a bottomless pit of murkiness, doubt, and inconsistency.

[DazedandConfus3d]

After all, I take it that you mean her actions now say no, but her actions then say yes. In the face of such contradictory behaviour, your mind races to make sense of which version of her is the "real one". Because we know that if we acted in such contradictory ways, it would be because we were lying or being phoney or otherwise not open and honest when acting in one of the two contradictory ways. Your ex, by contrast, might not have a consistent sense of self. That, again, is a common theme around here.

Your ex might have felt open and loving and crazy about you in the moment. That's why it's so hard to believe she wasn't being sincere. But her inner world might be chaotic and changeable, so that the very next day (or minute) she can act in ways that seem utterly inexplicable if she was sincere in her love for you. If that fits with your experience, then it's up to you to decide whether that "counts" as real or sacred. It doesn't really matter how we label it -- as you say, either way it's traumatizing to share such intense moments and such an intense bond with someone who can't hold onto those feelings with any kind of consistency at all.

This is fantastic!

Thank you for posting that, it really helped me understand better.