My first time reaching out about this - my mom with BPD

[Jules-1001]

This is my first time reaching out and talking about BPS.  I believe my mom has it.  I just read a few pages and literally every bullet point was exactly how I've been treated by my mom in the past.  It breaks my heart to even think this about her, because my whole life I've always longed for a caring, nurturing mother and I would never want to label her with a personality disorder... .there still is an attached guilt to even thinking that!

I am reaching out because I really feel I am at my rope's end with her.  In high school I went and saw an amazing counsellor for a few years that really set me on a great path in life and I can finally say I truly love myself and feel like I have healthy relationships - it's quite amazing actually and I'm so proud.  The ONLY relationship that is unstable and continuously breaks me down is with my mom.  And it's so unfortunate, because it's my mom... .to hear that I'm a terrible person who is out to manipulate and hurt her just breaks my heart because she truly believes it.  I try to set boundaries by just not seeing her often but I am such a caring, loving individual, I want to have a healthy relationship with her. I used to get very very sad when she would lash out at me, but today was the first time I felt anger.  I finally had enough  after so many years of this repetitive pattern.  But now I feel lost.  I honestly don't know how to even begin having a relationship with her when all she wants to do is make up things I've said/ thought or done to sabotage her.  I feel quite devastated and helpless.  I am very resilient, very intellectual and optimistic so I do know I will become a much better person out of this, but right at this point after having been yelled at, I'm quite exhausted.  So... .I am really looking forward to the support that's online.  Just knowing this website exists has brought so much light into my world.

[drained1996]

 
Jules, welcome!  We are glad you found us!  I know all too well myself about dealing with a mother that is not well.  So many feelings, thoughts, and emotions built over decades that are in play when analyzing the whole relationship.  I saw where you posted on another thread, so you're aware of the tools section and the lessons etc.
Accepting someone for who they are has been a piece of the puzzle that has helped me in dealing with my FOO issues (FOO=family of origin).
Here is a link that goes into Radical Acceptance and understanding what it is, and how it works:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

You've found a great family here, and you will find many who have and are experiencing the same issues you face.  It's always a relief to know you are not alone, and you will also get some great insights along the way.  I learned that the more I posted, the more I got in return.  Keep educating yourself on this illness and sharing here... .things will get better!   

[Newrites]

I'm new here too. Joined last week. I'm an adult; I know my mother has BPD and thought so since I was 17 years old. For many years, I doubted it, but I now know I was right all along.

Congratulations on your inner strength and ability to have stable relationships! It took me a very long time to get there... .I just made bad choices because I was desparate to be loved, so I wasn't picky enough. I'd end up with a jerk, then rage at the jerk. I'm now in a wonderful, stable relationship and I don't rage anymore, but do have emotional flashbacks when my child or co-workers act negatively. So... .congrats. You sound like you have a strong inner core and you need to be vigilant to maintain this.

Glad we found this safe place to all chat. We need one another!

[Jules-1001]

Thank you for the response.  The childhood flashbacks is an interesting one to me as it happens sometimes, I didn't realize how many others have experienced the same.  I'm looking forward to reading more on this issue

[Panda39]

Hi Jules 1001,

I wanted to join the others and welcome you to the  bpdfamily   

My SO has an uBPDxw and two daughters so I've seen what you are going through with them as well.  You are not alone in struggling with a BPDmom. 

"to hear that I'm a terrible person who is out to manipulate and hurt her just breaks my heart because she truly believes it." 

"when all she wants to do is make up things I've said/ thought or done to sabotage her."

My guess is the kind of stuff you mentioned above is probably projection... .these are probably feelings she has about herself that she can't handle so she projects them on to you.  I know knowing that doesn't make it less hurtful emotionally when it's happening to you but it can help your logical mind take this kind of stuff less personally.  Just always keep in mind these are her issues and it isn't really about you or who you are at all.

You might think about validating the feelings she is having... .forget about what she is saying what do you think the emotion is behind the comments?  Is it fear, jealousy, insecurity?  This does not mean validating an invalid comment but it is about connecting with the emotion behind the comment. 

Below are some links to information on validation (there is more information on this topic just search "Validation" at the top of the page for more)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.org/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

There is also a thread about "Emotional Flashbacks" since you also mentioned that topic I've included the the link here... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=277040.0

I'm glad you've found us.  Keep posting your questions and concerns there is a lot of experience among the members here and a lot of information on this site and share your ideas and suggestions with others too.  My best advice is to really learn about BPD... .I truly believe knowledge is power.

Again Welcome 
Panda39