Home for the Holidays - any quick tips?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there,

I am a longtime lurker, first-time poster on these boards. It is very helpful to know there are others out there I can learn from and share with.

My story: mom is uBPD + narcissist, and has been to some therapy for 'other' issues which has helped some. The rest of the family is fairly even-keeled, but my only sibling and his fam avoid much contact and have taken to regularly spending Thanksgiving elsewhere, which leaves me holding the bag, i.e. stepping in so the parents aren't alone. I know this is my choice, and I do it willingly, though perhaps with a little resentment, but they will be here at xmas and we will be gone, so payback!  (Our culture of origin emphasizes family, so not being there/no contact etc. is not an option for me personally.)

This visit I've already productively - or unproductively - spent time explaining to mom how most married couples split up the holidays between their families, in efforts to make everyone happy/to see everyone, and that this was why we wouldn't be here at xmas (cue crying). This logic didn't sit well w/ her, because as the center of the universe she wants everyone with her All The Time. (Also she is jealous of my in-laws and has warped ideas of how much time we spend with them, which I try to correct.) Later she asked me to explain to her why no one wants to be around them, what have they done, etc. I tried to explain as kindly as possible that people just want to relax and be happy, not be stressed, esp. at the holidays, so she needed to try to create that kind of atmosphere, not a negative judgy one. Understandably this is hard when that is your default setting. 

She listens and I think logically knows perhaps she is overreacting, but emotionally she cannot get there. I really think she needs to be on meds to manage her emotions better, but no way can I talk to her about that, because I am a Child. Any tips on what I can do to get her to be more of a team player and less focused on her own neediness? OR on what I can do to get my brother more engaged and less checked out on all this? (Why is it always 1 family member who ends up trying to manage the problem?)

I have some PTSD from my childhood with her which can make things challenging, though it has improved over the years. But it is a factor, so I try to keep things positive around her and outcome-focused, so things don't explode into a big bonfire with me running out the door.

Thanks for any advice/fellow venting you guys might have! Happy Holidays? 

[HappyGirl8]

Hi there,

I am a longtime lurker, first-time poster on these boards. It is very helpful to know there are others out there I can learn from and share with.

My story: mom is uBPD + narcissist, and has been to some therapy for 'other' issues which has helped some. The rest of the family is fairly even-keeled, but my only sibling and his fam avoid much contact and have taken to regularly spending Thanksgiving elsewhere, which leaves me holding the bag, i.e. stepping in so the parents aren't alone. I know this is my choice, and I do it willingly, though perhaps with a little resentment, but they will be here at xmas and we will be gone, so payback!  (Our culture of origin emphasizes family, so not being there/no contact etc. is not an option for me personally.)

This visit I've already productively - or unproductively - spent time explaining to mom how most married couples split up the holidays between their families, in efforts to make everyone happy/to see everyone, and that this was why we wouldn't be here at xmas (cue crying). This logic didn't sit well w/ her, because as the center of the universe she wants everyone with her All The Time. (Also she is jealous of my in-laws and has warped ideas of how much time we spend with them, which I try to correct.) Later she asked me to explain to her why no one wants to be around them, what have they done, etc. I tried to explain as kindly as possible that people just want to relax and be happy, not be stressed, esp. at the holidays, so she needed to try to create that kind of atmosphere, not a negative judgy one. Understandably this is hard when that is your default setting. 

She listens and I think logically knows perhaps she is overreacting, but emotionally she cannot get there. I really think she needs to be on meds to manage her emotions better, but no way can I talk to her about that, because I am a Child. Any tips on what I can do to get her to be more of a team player and less focused on her own neediness? OR on what I can do to get my brother more engaged and less checked out on all this? (Why is it always 1 family member who ends up trying to manage the problem?)

I have some PTSD from my childhood with her which can make things challenging, though it has improved over the years. But it is a factor, so I try to keep things positive around her and outcome-focused, so things don't explode into a big bonfire with me running out the door.

Thanks for any advice/fellow venting you guys might have! Happy Holidays? 

[Kwamina]

Hi HappyGirl8 and welcome to our online community

I too have found it very helpful reading the stories of others who have similar experiences as I do.

I think it is good that you recognize your values and that you yourself are responsible for the choices you make concerning your mother. It isn't easy dealing with BPD family-members, but once we get our own values straight (like the importance you place on family), we can then work on how best to get our actions in alignment with those values. Another possibility is that we come to the conclusion that some of our values might be too rigid or don't really reflect what we believe in.

To help you talk to your mother, I encourage you to explore some of the communication techniques described on this site such as validation and S.E.T.. Are you perhaps already familiar with these techniques?

When dealing with your mom's 'false accusations' or asertions, it might also be helpful to consider J.A.D.E.:
Stopping/preventing circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain

The holidays are a stressful period for many of us, but I do believe the tools on this website might help you.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[mas87]

Hello HappyGirl 8 and the Board Parrot-

Thank you for sharing your experiences and concerns. I can sure relate, as I am sure all of us can. I am a brand new member and have no insight. I am coming from an angry, confused, and guilt-laden place but really appreciate hearing what goes on between you and your mother is similar to my experiences. Validation has been helpful for me at this point.

I really like the acronyms SET and JADE. My mother has been in a really nice space for a few days, so I have not had to use them yet but am looking forward to seeing how it works. When I have made statements utilizing empathy, sympathy, or truth before, I am often told that I 'just don't get it' and that I am insensitive and unsympathetic. Does this mean that I am not using the statements correctly or are these predictable statements from someone with BPD?

I wish you productive Thanksgiving conversation that does not leave you feeling confused, guilty, or exhausted. However, this may not be a realistic wish. Regardless, enjoy your holiday!

Thanks!

mas87

[HappyGirl8]

Thanks for the great tips! These are very useful reminders. I like S.E.T. In particular, because (1) it's short/easy to remember, and (2) it reminds me of "Seek first to understand" (from Stephen Covey's 7 Habits book) which is something I try to do with everyone all the time anyway These are good reminders for me because I tend to get distracted in the moment of the conversation by how irritated I am feeling at their childish behavior~
Don't defend/explain doesn't work so great in my particular situation, because my mother actually does want to know the real reason why people do what they do or feel how they feel, it just takes her time to process it all and understand it and be ok with it - I liken it to water filtering through the coffee in a coffeemaker - eventually it sinks in but it may take a day, or seven!  But over time it does seem to help her to know what others in the family really want, sometimes. But I will try to piecemeal these things out to her one-by-one using S.E.T. I think that will make it easier for her to hear in the moment, especially when she is worked up/upset that she is not getting what she wants.
At this stage in my life I find I am just stuck on being irritated at her for not being able to be more of a "true" parent. But c'est la vie! I need to grow up & get over that! I also remind myself to lean on others who are actually there in truth for me, as ~substitutes for this support. 
Thanks for listening, & I wish you a happy and CALM holidays!

[Kwamina]

Hi HappyGirl8 and mas87

it reminds me of "Seek first to understand" (from Stephen Covey's 7 Habits book) which is something I try to do with everyone all the time anyway

That is a great book! I too see the overlap between certain techniques and concepts we describe on this site and the Covey book.

These are good reminders for me because I tend to get distracted in the moment of the conversation by how irritated I am feeling at their childish behavior~

This is something that is difficult for many of us, in the heat of the moment it can be very hard to think clearly and stay focused. That's why it helps to practice beforehand so we are prepared as best as possible when we find ourselves in difficult situations/conversations.

At this stage in my life I find I am just stuck on being irritated at her for not being able to be more of a "true" parent. But c'est la vie! I need to grow up & get over that!

Acceptance is hard and I can definitely relate to your struggles. To quote Dr. Marsha Linehan: "It is hard. It's really hard." We have an article here about reality acceptance skills that you might find helpful. It is in fact a transcript of a talk Dr. Marsha Linehan gave:
From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

@mas87

When I have made statements utilizing empathy, sympathy, or truth before, I am often told that I 'just don't get it' and that I am insensitive and unsympathetic. Does this mean that I am not using the statements correctly or are these predictable statements from someone with BPD?

Perfecting these skills takes time, patience  and practice. The way I approach it, is to view every interaction as a learning opportunity which might help me apply the techniques better the next time. You can also practice the techniques on other people and in other difficult situations that do not involve your BPD family-members.

It is also important for us to remember that though these techniques can be helpful, there is no guarantee that our BPD family-members will respond positively. No matter how awesome the techniques are, they do not change the fact that our family-members have BPD and not all people with BPD respond in the same manner to these techniques. There unfortunately is no one-size-fits-all solution, so we all just need to explore and try to find something that works for us with our own unique BPD family-members.

I wish the two of you happy holidays