Would anything have changed?

[JJacks0]

Looks like I'm just on a posting spree lately. Lots of things going through my mind that are unresolved.

One thing I constantly struggle with that I've mentioned before is that I felt like my ex was improving right up until we split. Although it sounds terrible, I almost wish I had some validation that things weren't going to be different had I stayed. Might help me deal with the regret.

Not to be redundant, but a summary for those who aren't familiar (feel free to skip if you've read my posts before) - my ex and I had been living together for 6 years, but going through hard times. Her mother passed away and she no longer was okay with taking things slowly and rebuilding trust/the positive aspects of our r/s- she wanted to be in a serious relationship with all the attached expectations and she didn't want to wait anymore. After her mother passed she was understandably very angry, depressed, and all of it seemed to be directed toward me. She said that I was so great while her mother was sick, that afterwards it felt like I abandoned her. She wanted me to pull her out of her depression, but constantly called me selfish for socializing again. I always invited her when I did go out (maybe twice a week) but she didn't ever really want to join and I understood that. Admittedly, I stayed out all night sometimes and didn't come home until morning (didn't do anything but stay over at friends' houses and talk) but this bothered her a lot. I probably did it 2-3 times and I know I shouldn't have. I eventually did apologize to her for this. I didn't want to break up or even move into separate places. But she basically gave me an ultimatum and it just didn't feel right. Yes, things were especially rough due to her mother's passing which is completely understandable... .but this was not a one time thing. I'd seen this kind of behavior before and it felt like it might just be restarting. I didn't think it made sense to put MORE pressure on our relationship when I hadn't heard her say a nice thing about me in what felt like forever. Only complaints about how I wasn't being as wonderful as I used to be and how I was letting her down. It felt so unfair because not once after her mother's passing did anyone else reach out to her, nor did she reach out to them. She didn't seem to take issue with her friends for not being there enough, or even her own family. But I took the brunt of all of it - I was expected to fix everything. What killed me most was her calling me selfish. I dedicated my life to her for 6 years. Even to the point that I failed out of classes, put my own needs aside... .and when her mother was sick I was constantly there. My ex acknowledged this and did seem to appreciate it. But the minute I do something for myself, I'm selfish. It just made me feel like no matter what, I could never be perfect, never quite good enough. No matter how much I've gone above and beyond others, how much I've put my own needs aside for her, I was a disappointment. No matter how much I love her, how is that a good entry point for a new and better relationship?

Here is where I struggle. Considering the extreme circumstances of her mother's death... .maybe I should have just agreed. Maybe I should have shown more patience.

Prior to this, my ex had really been doing great in terms of improvement. After her mom died, she started dysregulating again. She screamed and kicked me out of her parents' house while we were prepping for the funeral. That was the first thing that really caught me off guard. In the days following the funeral she started writing suicide notes again, even googling weapons. This was where the flags kicked in. I fully expected her to be angry and depressed, but I also felt like this was not a "normal" reaction, even to tragedy. Perhaps I was wrong.

Then after we split, she REALLY started to relapse with the rages, push/pull behavior, etc. Stuff I hadn't seen for a long time. I just keep thinking it's because she felt rejected and abandoned.

So this is what I keep going over in my head. I keep justifying her behavior because of the circumstances and her sadness. I keep thinking that maybe if I had just stuck around while she was angry with me and tried to show her more empathy, maybe things would have gotten better. I became so bitter and started to feel so unappreciated. But thinking back, I just wish I had stuck it out a little longer.

I wish there were a way of knowing what would have happened then.

[elfyguy]

Borderlines are a bottomless voids that suck in everything and are never satisfied. I think you knew this intellectually and intuitively. That's why you wanted to focus on yourself for a change and not commit any further. Ask yourself, do you really think things would have changed if you married her and had kids? I think that all of us know, intuitively, at least, that what is going on is unhealthy. Even though we are unable to end it we can still set limits. I, also, did not yield to marriage and children - it was too prevalent on her mind, as if it was the ultimate goal to happiness. And then what? you have children and she's still a bottomless pit of neediness.

In my mind, you did the right thing, but only you can get closure on this. The easiest path isn't always the best path. You chose the harder one, the one that will force you to grow emotionally.

Have faith in your decision.

[Duped 1]

Nothing would have changed long term. Mine pressures me within months to get a ring and start planning out future. She got downright pushy and mean about it. I said we need to enjoy the journey and she hated that answer as it was all about her and her need to be a wife. Everyone says it only gets worse after marriage. I was running myself ragged trying to please her and she would say: "just because you're doing your best doesn't mean you're meeting all of my needs". I am so fortunate that I didn't marry that self-centered toxic loser.

[woundedPhoenix]

It's a haunting question, the what might have beens and the alternate universes that we could have created with different behaviour.

I spent many months circling through that, like a programmer trying to debug his code, and find the scripted lines that may have caused the software bug.

a BPD can react more intense and deregulated through life's events, especially the death or perceived loss of a family member are huge triggers.

BUT... .I too can indicate certain 'events' and 'crisises' that sent my BPDex into deep depression, selfishness and distancing, which i used to attribute totally to those 'external' situations.

It allowed me to stay in denial to what really was going on in the r/s, i felt totally lonely as my needs where not recognized, yet i showered her with empathy and time and space in the hope that things would get back to 'normal'. Followed advise from therapists and online resources like bpdfamily.

The return to 'Normal' came, yet it involved her cheating and online sexting, lies and future faking, more distancing, extreme devaluation and a Magnus Opus discard.

In the end, we try to find where the relationship program broke down. The lines of code we could have written differently. And some bugs may have been avoidable. But the problem never really was within the program code, there was a stealthy virus running in the background that we refused to notice and that was silently working towards a system crash.

[Duped 1]

Well written wounded!

[JJacks0]

Thanks everyone.
Wounded, that is a great analogy.

I think I'll hear from her again, but not sure for what reason. Probably more "lets be friends" stuff to keep the connection from a great distance. But I doubt it's the end-end. Unless she replaces me and it lasts.