Raging her way back to the island of misfit toys...

[Cole]

After an 8 month hiatus, my dBPDw's BPD came roaring back a couple weeks ago. I think the trigger is her mother refusing to let her visit for Thanksgiving or Christmas. MIL (uBPD) has decided that one visit on a weekend in between is enough. Another trigger is this is when she left me and the kids last year and moved out of state, returning 2 weeks later.

She has cast herself back onto the island of misfit toys with the belief that my family hates her, the people she works with hate her, everyone looks down their nose at her, I am going to leave her, etc... .Basically, no one loves or wants her. There is no truth to it, of course, but it is real to her.  

So, the RAGE is coming out. Two weekends ago she stood in the foyer screaming that she wished she had had kids with anyone but me, even Hitler would have been better. That evening she pretended it had never happened and has been fine since. Until last night.

Last night was the worse RAGE I have seen in years. She threw things, screamed, broke things (hers) and threw away new towels and rugs, stating she did not deserve them. She demanded I call all my family members and profess my love for her, which I did not do. It was very late and I knew she would be in the background screaming and yelling.

Next, she threatened to call the police and have me thrown out of the house. I called her bluff, so she stated she was leaving instead and and started to pack. Said she would stop by the bank to clean out our accounts on the way and would be back with the police to get her things today. When I did not try to stop her, she unpacked, cleaned up some of the things that she had thrown, changed back into her PJ's and got back in bed. She cried and told me how ashamed she is of things she has done in the past until she drifted off.    

She went to work early this morning and I have not heard from her. But, I can almost guarantee she will come home and pretend it never happened.

Does anyone else experience these rages followed by pretending it happened? How do you deal with it?

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[bobcat2014]

Hello Cole,

Wow, Hitler? It sounds like you handled this well and stood your ground. 

I have had the demand to "phone a friend and family" and declare my love for her after an embarrassing public meltdown or two.

How did I handle it? Avoidance.

I guess I valued the calm after the storm more than I did in finding out what the trigger was. I avoided it unless she brought it up or gas lighted the situation in a different direction. With BPD, it is more about damage control and manipulating the event to appear like they are the victim again.

[bobcat2014]

Cole... .what made the last 8 months better than before? Meds? Changes of scenery? Just curious... .

[Cole]

Cole... .what made the last 8 months better than before? Meds? Changes of scenery? Just curious... .

Last year the BPD got so bad she moved out, leaving the children and me. I mean packed up a truck, moved out of state and got an apartment and a job. She begged to come back two weeks later and I agreed, with the stipulation that she must go to counseling on her own, MC with me, and continue to see her psychiatrist and take her meds.  She has done all these things and even stepped up T appointments to weekly.  

The BPD has been in remission since. I believe it is because she realized I love her and that I would not abandon her. The relaps is, I believe, in response to fears of rejection and abandonment.    

I have had the demand to "phone a friend and family" and declare my love for her after an embarrassing public meltdown or two.

Interesting. I wonder how common this is? I bet we are not the only two. It is likely their way of affirming to themselves that we are not going to abandon them.

[bobcat2014]

Last year the BPD got so bad she moved out, leaving the children and me. I mean packed up a truck, moved out of state and got an apartment and a job. She begged to come back two weeks later and I agreed, with the stipulation that she must go to counseling on her own, MC with me, and continue to see her psychiatrist and take her meds.  She has done all these things and even stepped up T appointments to weekly.  

The BPD has been in remission since. I believe it is because she realized I love her and that I would not abandon her. The relaps is, I believe, in response to fears of rejection and abandonment.    

Interesting. I wonder how common this is? I bet we are not the only two. It is likely their way of affirming to themselves that we are not going to abandon them.

Unsure. I gave up on applying logic and basic problem solving skills to anyone with BPD. I did cause a meltdown once, for refusing to tell off a family member who misspelled her name on a birthday card. If I "cared" I would have done this for her... .sigh.

[Cole]

Unsure. I gave up on applying logic and basic problem solving skills to anyone with BPD. I did cause a meltdown once, for refusing to tell off a family member who misspelled her name on a birthday card. If I "cared" I would have done this for her... .sigh.

Oh, yeah. Been there done that!

The first time I saw this behavior was when she came home with a take-out order from a fast food place. They messed up her order and she came unglued. Called the manager and told him the girl at the counter did it on purpose because W is more attractive and clerk was jealous. Then got mad because I would not call my friend- a common pleas court judge- and have the place shut down. This was the first time I had seen this behavior, so I was floored.

Currently, I am the devil because I will not call my brother and admonish him for something she thinks she heard him say 16 years ago that might have been about her.

Double sigh... .   

[teapay]

It sounds like the "security" your W got from the big meltdown 8M ago and you taking her back is wearing off.  She might be feeling insecure/abandonment fears again and is testing your commitment to her, cycling up to another big meltdown. 

[Grey Kitty]

Hey... .good job not taking the bait when she threatened to leave, threatened to call police, demanded you call family... .etc., etc.

You didn't try to stop her. You didn't promise to do what she was demanding. You stayed centered.

Did you notice that when you didn't feed the thing, she wound down on her own?

I'm guessing that holding her in bed while she cries and tells you how ashamed of herself she is was (compared to the rest of it, anyways!) easy for you to be around.

You may have another round of it or two to go, I'm afraid. Stay strong!

[Cole]

You may have another round of it or two to go, I'm afraid. Stay strong!

Right on the money, GC.

She started off this morning with, "I don't want to fight with you today." Then immediately started a fight about something that happened 17 years ago. I refused to participate, so she grabbed her keys and said she was leaving forever!

I expect there are a few philosophy majors out there looking for the answer to the age-old question "How long is forever?" I have the answer. It is about 35 minutes.

She came back and tried to start another fight. I refused, so she has been pouting in bed for the last few hours. It must be hard to play victim with no persecutor or rescuer to play along.

[Grey Kitty]

It must be hard to play victim with no persecutor or rescuer to play along.

This is FAR more true than you realize. I remember one time when I left my wife to deal with her feelings on her own, she had no place to aim her anger but at herself. I later found out she had written all sorts of self-shaming things on her body with sharpie during that time. (I don't know what other dark places she went.) In protecting myself from her, I left her to face her darkest demons all by herself.

Think about it this way. She's got some terrible, powerful, negative feelings going on. She doesn't know how to cope with them. For most of your marriage, she's been projecting things onto you, and attacking you, and for a moment, forget about what it does to you, and think about how it works for her. She is now able to avoid her own feelings by focusing her rage on you.

When you won't let yourself be used as a target, that no longer works for her. Now she has to find someplace else to aim the rage, or other negative feelings.

That's gonna be really really hard for her. Nothing you can do about it, but perhaps realizing this will help you get through it a bit. 

[Notwendy]

Wow Cole- I think you are doing great staying calm in the storm. I don't think I'd take what she says in the moment to heart. It's projected rage that is looking for a place to go. By not reacting and saying things back- you are not adding fuel to the fire.

I didn't experience rages to this degree from my H- but I'm familiar with the lets pretend it didn't happen - and just start over approach. When I pushed for more discussion or a reason why he said some things he said- there really was no thought out reason.it was emotion in the moment followed by a sense of shame. These episodes resolved better when I did not react emotionally to them. Of note- I was not in physical danger- that would require a different response.

I did experience these level rages from my mother as a kid and even helped clean up the mess from her throwing stuff around. It was wild . The next day my parents would pretend nothing happened. That was weird. But I did tell a teacher in school what happened and the school called my mom- who showed up as her charming self and convinced him I made it up. From then on she presented me as a problem child to others. Since nobody believed us- we didn't speak about it.

Cole - your response to her is great- also do not negate your kids' reality if they ask about this. It did happen.

[Cole]

When you won't let yourself be used as a target, that no longer works for her. Now she has to find someplace else to aim the rage, or other negative feelings.

Agree. She went on a rage earlier about how horribly my family treats her (they don't) and refused to go the my brothers for Thanksgiving. So, we went without her. When we got home, she informed me she had cold spagettios for dinner all by herself and was sure we had a better time without her there. I reminded her that was by her choice. She did not say anything more; it is hard to lay a guilt trip on someone who will not accept it.

I didn't experience rages to this degree from my H- but I'm familiar with the lets pretend it didn't happen - and just start over approach. When I pushed for more discussion or a reason why he said some things he said- there really was no thought out reason.it was emotion in the moment followed by a sense of shame.

Cole - your response to her is great- also do not negate your kids' reality if they ask about this. It did happen.

I get the same thing you got from your H with the pretend it did not happen part. When pressed, W says it is because she is just so ashamed of her childish behavior she cannot face it.

Kids are, unfortunately, used to mom's psychotic rages. S13 gets mad and tells her to stop over-reacting while D11 rolls her eyes and shakes her head. I guess they just don't know any better than to tell the truth.  

 

    

[Notwendy]

I knew the truth at that age, but then, I was also susceptible to my parents' suggestions. My father participated in the denial and my mother would blame me for her behavior. I really believed that when I left for college, the rages would stop and my family would be happy. Once I was way at college, they still acted as if all was fine, nothing ever happened. Once I left home I didn't live with them again, but I visited. It was many years later that I observed my mother in full blown rage and then realized that what happened in my childhood really did happen ( confirmed with siblings and other adults).

But being blamed for her rages and the pretend it didn't happen also left me susceptible to a similar pattern in my marriage. If I tried to bring up issues, my H would promptly blame me for not doing something right, or enough of something. This would range from cooking, to sex, to saying something. He could get mad, announce that I had "ruined the evening" or "ruined the weekend" over one thing. He would act out on the anger sometimes, but the other one was the ST- that could go on for days, with me begging him to tell me what is wrong.

It really took a long time for me to see the connection between two very different people. My mother is low functioning, my H probably more traits- as the issues were only with me- the most intimate relationship. In many ways, I feel fortunate, as I think my mother is more difficult to deal with. But the patterns were similar, especially the feeling like I was responsible for other people's feelings.

I do think that there is a large sense of shame over losing control in these episodes. I know that to even ask my mother about them would lead to a dysregulation. Have you ever felt triggered into shame? I know I have ,and that is something I need to work on. I can only imagine how overwhelming it is for someone with BPD. I used to want to know why my H was angry at me. Now, I know, from listening to him when he is angry, that he is really just putting words to feelings in the moment, and when it is over, may not even understand himself why he said what he said.

A neutral - non reactive-stance has diminished these events. A big step for me is to not take anything said personally and not add fuel to the drama. These are similar to 4 year old temper tantrums. I am sure you have heard a 4 year old scream " I hate you" and "I am going to run away from home" when they don't get something they want. Of course, you don't let a 4 year old do that but you also don't give in to the demand. But a grown adult can pack and leave if they want and you left room for her to make her choices. I like how you didn't react to your wife's threats to leave, and let the emotions run until they were over. These feelings don't last forever.

[Cole]

Notwendy,

Thank you very much for the insight from a child's point of view. I have never denied or pretended the raging and anger did not happen. I take great care to ensure to my kids that this is not their fault; mom has a mental illness.

I have had to step in when the rage is turned toward the kids and take the bullet. W will "make it up to them" by buying them things or giving them a special privilege, but never apologizes to them and pretends it did not happen.   

As for the comparison to a 4 year old, you are right on the mark. She has threatened to "run away from home" twice this week, though the longest time she really left was 35 minutes. When she makes her threats and I don't try to stop her, it really takes the wind out of her sails.

She also tried the "poor me/I am a victim" routine last night. I told her I was sorry she was alone for Thanksgiving, but it was her choice and I was not going to ruin the holiday for everyone else. Later, she tried the anger/rage thing and said she was going to leave me. I told her that given the anger she seems to have toward me, that may be for the best. She stopped dead, said she needed to get to sleep since she has to work in the morning, and went to sleep.   

I will say it again because it is one of the most important things I have learned about handling BPD: It is hard to be a victim without a persecutor or rescuer!   

 

[Notwendy]

Cole, I think you are doing great!

You are correct, it is hard to be victim when there isn't a persecutor or rescuer, but it can be done- even with one person. If someone feels like a victim, then they can "rescue" themselves. This is one thing that can drive addictive/compulsive behavior as a person can decide " I deserve to buy this", or I need a drink, or any other behavior that can rescue them from their bad feelings. Sometimes they will find another person to engage in drama with.

But some peace of mind can come for us when the person involved isn't us We don't have to engage on the triangle.