What do you do when your pwBPD isn’t actually functioning?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

What do you do when your pwBPD isn’t actually functioning?  How do you take care of yourself in the midst of it all? I feel so guilty.  I read a lot of stories here in which other pwBPDs are able to move on and take care of themselves, continue working and living.  This isn’t the case with my pwBPD and I don’t know what to do.   He is an alcoholic who also suffers from psychosis.  He is basically drinking himself to death.  He is sleeping on the street with no protection.   Services haven’t been able to assist him or he hasn’t been able to work with them.   It is breaking my heart.  Everyone was saying that if he didn’t stop drinking then he had to leave for my own protection.  I just don’t know what the right thing to do is.  It’s breaking my heart seeing him this way and I feel so guilty and helpless. 

[Pipedreamer25]

What do you do when your pwBPD isn’t actually functioning?  How do you take care of yourself in the midst of it all? I feel so guilty.  I read a lot of stories here in which other pwBPDs are able to move on and take care of themselves, continue working and living.  This isn’t the case with my pwBPD and I don’t know what to do.   He is an alcoholic who also suffers from psychosis.  He is basically drinking himself to death.  He is sleeping on the street with no protection.   Services haven’t been able to assist him or he hasn’t been able to work with them.   It is breaking my heart.  Everyone was saying that if he didn’t stop drinking then he had to leave for my own protection.  I just don’t know what the right thing to do is.  It’s breaking my heart seeing him this way and I feel so guilty and helpless. 

[foggydew]

There is nothing you can do. It is actually his choice.  The right thing is to protect yourself - you are even no use to him if you don't ensure your own safety, both mental and physical. I had this scenario with my stepson, who had the choice to take his tablets and stay with us or leave... and be on the street. He left.
You are not guilty of anything. Sometimes in life there is really nothing you can do, and things run their course. At some point we can accept this. We have to.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your reply Foggydew.  It just doesnt' feel right.  I'm really scared that he will die.   It is so hard to accept this.  It is like watching a car crash in slow motion.   

[foggydew]

We can't fix it. I'm learning that too, slowly and painfully. It is also like watching someone with cancer be slowly consumed by it. We can run around, try to do the best we can... but that is mainly to deal with our own feelings of helplessness. We have to deal with these feelings - learn that we can't control everything that happens. And I'm writing this as much for myself as for you.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Sometimes they do die.  The ex went through rehab, new job, was healthy and improve so much.  It took all had.  Nothing was left for me.  I literally improved the ex life at the expense of my own.  I saved the exs, Life for sure.  Less then a year later she died of an overdose.    Wish I had some advice.    Just sharing my experience.  Goodluck

[WishIKnew82]

I kind of had that same issue. My ex had a whole bunch of problems. The most troubling of them was that he was unable to go outside. Agoraphobia. Like ever. He was stuck in his house. It was the saddest thing. For years. I think the BPD made it all the more difficult for him to adapt and try to make the best of it. For example study from home and get a degree and try to find some purpose. But he couldn't accept himself the way he was. So he was just waiting to live life on HIS terms. I know that if he would be able to go outside he would just take life as it comes. Party and drink and sleep around. But still he had these great ideas of what he would be doing if he was able to go outside. He just didn't see his destructive side that was unable to remain stable for long periods of time.
He also would get really really depressed. He was afraid to go crazy, like legit insane and end up in a psychotic state. Thinking about that didn't help. He alsof had a terrible version of OCD. Obsessive thoughts about terrible things that he would just go over the whole day long.

This was exactly the reason why I stayed as long as I did and almost drove myself into a depression. I felt so terrible for him that I took the abuse for years and in the end I couldn't take it anymore and starting yelling back and being bitter towards him. It didn't help him. It made his situation worse. I was exhausted. Nobody wins. He left in the end and I was terrified for his life. But I heard through the grapevine that he was saying terrible things about me so I guess he was back to his old ways. Blaming everyone else. That gave me some comfort in my guilt. He moved on. Adapted in the only way he knows how. By blaming others and drinking.

[WishIKnew82]

Thank you for your reply Foggydew.  It just doesnt' feel right.  I'm really scared that he will die.   It is so hard to accept this.  It is like watching a car crash in slow motion.   

I feel so bad for you. Stay strong. It is horrible that you have to sit and watch it all happen and feeling like there are only choices that make you feel bad. Especially since he is living on the street? My heart breaks for you and for him. That is no way to live. It says a lot about you that you can't deal with just being a bystander to a situation like this. U must not lose that trait in yourself. But you have to look at what you can do without compromising your own health. If there is no one to call or third party help etc. Then you must take care of yourself first and try to forget it a little bit at a time. Day by day. Telling yourself you are not responsible. You can still search for help by contacting family or search for services that are able to help. Just don't get personally involved. You have to find a balance. The best way is to forget about it. But that is a process and it took me more then a year to not feel as responsible for him anymore. So I am not going to tell you to do something you will not be able to do. Do the best you can do every day. For yourself. And if you MUST do something, do it through third party, not yourself.