I miss my friend. (moved from intro thread)

[Depression = 72% of members]

(I put this post here as well as the new person thread)
My friend T has BPD and PTSD. Long story short her and I were really good friends for like a year. She was leaving her abusive ex J. They lived together due to a financial situation. Then T started dating me. J, the ex, flipped out. Assaulted her. She came to stay with me for a few days. (She lives 3 hours away in Alabama)  in staying with me I told her I loved her. Not like in love but I cared for her deeply as friend and someone who opened up to me and who I opened up too and someone who I'd never want to see hurt. And that I really think this could go somewhere. Well she said she was on the same page as me.

Then 3 days later I went to stay with T in Alabama. Everything was fine. We had dinner. Went on a date. Things seemed fine. That next morning she was crying and telling me her ex was never going to let her be happy or leave us alone. She told me she needed time to work through everything and that she would make time to come see me and call me in a few hours. So I left. With in 10 mins she messaged me and told me she never wanted to see me again. Never cared about me, said I was crazy for saying I loved her  and is going back to her ex. Blocked me on everything and told me she wants me to hate her.

I'm trying to make sense of all this. Even if she doesn't want to be with me I told her I understand. I know me saying I loved her may have freaked her out. But I've told her multiple times I didn't mean it like she thinks I did. I care deeply for her and I miss my friend more than anything. I need advice. Should I expect her contact me? Did I do something wrong? Advice please.

[Laveneder]

(I put this post here as well as the new person thread)
My friend T has BPD and PTSD. Long story short her and I were really good friends for like a year. She was leaving her abusive ex J. They lived together due to a financial situation. Then T started dating me. J, the ex, flipped out. Assaulted her. She came to stay with me for a few days. (She lives 3 hours away in Alabama)  in staying with me I told her I loved her. Not like in love but I cared for her deeply as friend and someone who opened up to me and who I opened up too and someone who I'd never want to see hurt. And that I really think this could go somewhere. Well she said she was on the same page as me.

Then 3 days later I went to stay with T in Alabama. Everything was fine. We had dinner. Went on a date. Things seemed fine. That next morning she was crying and telling me her ex was never going to let her be happy or leave us alone. She told me she needed time to work through everything and that she would make time to come see me and call me in a few hours. So I left. With in 10 mins she messaged me and told me she never wanted to see me again. Never cared about me, said I was crazy for saying I loved her  and is going back to her ex. Blocked me on everything and told me she wants me to hate her.

I'm trying to make sense of all this. Even if she doesn't want to be with me I told her I understand. I know me saying I loved her may have freaked her out. But I've told her multiple times I didn't mean it like she thinks I did. I care deeply for her and I miss my friend more than anything. I need advice. Should I expect her contact me? Did I do something wrong? Advice please.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

As far as I'm concerned, you didn't do anything wrong. I don't think that it's ever wrong to let someone know that you care about that person.

While I'm not a mind reader and we'll never really know, what you might have done is triggered her fear of abandonment. It sounds like she has a lot going on already and was likely emotionally aroused. Knowing your feelings for her and the belief that her ex will never allow her to be happy or leave the two of you alone, it's very possible that she feared that you wouldn't be able to tolerate it and that you would abandon her eventually. A lot of pwBPD (people with BPD) will abandon first so that they are not the one to be abandoned.

None of us can guess whether she will contact you or not. But, if you think that she might, then the best thing that you can do right now is focus on taking care of yourself. Well, it's always the best thing for you to do.

Being in a relationship with a pwBPD takes someone who is emotionally strong. There are some tools in the sidebar on the right of the page that will help you begin to better understand the situation and communicate with her.

[Laveneder]

I heard from her today. She sent me few songs after i told her what was mentioned on here. That I think she's afraid I'll leave and hurt her. They were about broken hearts and being afraid to love and having wounds that aren't healed.
https://youtu.be/omEs9E4kaKs
https://youtu.be/Zr0Qgrc7uO8
https://youtu.be/62mEFlE4EPE
She likes to use songs to talk about how she's feeling. So I just answered her like she was talking to me. Telling her I know what she's been through and how I would never hurt her. But I respect the fact she's not ready for a relationship right now but I still want to go back to being her friend. I would like to try again with her when and only when she is ready but right now I'm okay being friends. She said she needs to figure out what she wants and to just let her do that. So... .that's good I guess.

[jammit123]

My first initial feeling after reading this was this:  is it possible that she DID have those feelings for you and was protecting herself from more pain when you reassured her you didn't mean it romantically?  I agree that she is too emotionally distraught to go there with you right now or to even think straight.  Space will do you both a lot of good.  Take care of yourself right now and know you did nothing wrong.

[Laveneder]

I think it's time for me to let this one go. She's not good for me. I thought she was a better friend to me. After what I posted last we talked for a bit. Then her ex texted me baiting me. She obviously told J we were talking and created that drama herself. I told her I just wanted to be her friend again and get back to where we were before but if J was going to get jealous and text me forget it.  She told me she wasn't with J and she's not sure HOW she wants me more than friends or just friends. Then again out of the blue she cut me off again because she "can't handle the drama". She physically gets sick from stress. She created the drama. She let J back in and sucked me in at the very beginning. I dealt with it because I cared and wanted to help her.  But she is mad at me. When I didn't even do anything wrong.