Never Underestimate the Fear of Rejection

[Cole]

As I put in another post, W's BPD came raging back from an 8 month break in the form of, well, RAGE. I mean uncontrollable raging anger at everything and everyone.

Last night I was finally able to get to the bottom of it.

Mrs. Cole: "I love you. I don't want to live without you and I don't want you to divorce me!"

Me: "Who said we are getting a divorce?"

Mrs. Cole: "No one. But you haven't said we aren't."

The whole issue was her imagined belief that I am going to leave her. I assured her I am not and almost instantly I saw the stress leave her face. No raging or crying since last night and she is in a great mood.    

Just a quick little lesson for all on the power of abandonment fears-no matter how irrational-for a pwBPD.

  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

its a very powerful fear that they have... .its a shame that they cant come to their non when they have it and simply share it... .it would alleviate so much if we knew what was going on in their minds.  Its hard to guess at why they do what they fo... .things we dont notice trigger them.

[statsattack]

Holy smokes I told my BPD wasn't ready to be friends and boom was pushed away like no other

[waverider]

Abandonment issues often create the very issue feared, and as a result they withhold communicating the same until it becomes catastrophized and desperate.

It is one area they are fully aware of, even if they can't come to terms with it

[Oncebitten]

and any attempt to walk away... even if they tell you to go is abandonment

[Jessica84]

If only they could be so vulnerable with us, we could reassure them and soothe their fears. Since most of the time they don't share with us the way your wife did, we can fall into the trap of trying not to trigger those fears at a cost to ourselves, like taking abuse, exposing ourselves to rages and accusations. Sometimes, we have to walk away from the situation, even if only temporarily until things settle down. Even then, they'll likely see it as abandonment rather than self-preservation.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy ~~> I know you will leave me, so I will treat you badly until you do.
Sad and frustrating.

[waverider]

It is important you live your life based on reality not on someone else's perception.

[Oncebitten]

Jessica

you are so very right.  I know that all of my current problems with my pwBPD are a result of fearing to tell the truth.  I was asked why this last time I kept the trutht for longer than I should have.  I said do you really want to know. Yes, yes of course.

So I told, my answer was then turned around and used against me.  But they cant possibility understand my hesitation.

[ArleighBurke]

My BPD assumes the worst in situations unless I tell her otherwise.

So if I am quiet - it could be because I've had a long hard day at work, or because I'm annoyed with her. She will always assume the worst reason.

In her case - no news is bad news.

[Oncebitten]

waverider

You are so right.  I made a off hand comment, was a little insensitive, yes.  Was it the personal attack that it was perceived as, no.
I know that and she should as well.  For me to out right say anything mean to her intentionally especially while things are good is ridiculous.

I know how this goes though, when things are good are when she picks stuff apart to find fault.

[waverider]

I know how this goes though, when things are good are when she picks stuff apart to find fault.

May be due to her own perceived sense of worthlessness. Hence a put down is inevitable and expected. So she preempts it.

[Cat Familiar]

May be due to her own perceived sense of worthlessness. Hence a put down is inevitable and expected. So she preempts it.

Yes. Sometimes it's like he's using me to project his negative self-dialog. I don't even have to say a word and suddenly I'm "criticizing him."   

[Oncebitten]

yeah I guess I feel like there should be a little slack... .given who its coming from.  Granted I understand that when its a SO and they are insensitive it hurts more... .but you would also expect them to know you didnt mean it that way.  But I know pwBPD... .burn victims. 

[Recovering480]

One night, after a big fight, I wanted to leave and go home. She lost it and said "Blaze like everyone else!" She told me if I left, it would be over.

Looking back, there was a huge fear of rejection and abandonment. Even when it was her actions that caused it.

The irony is that now she wants nothing to do with me. I don't understand how someone can go from one pole to another.