Custody

[Mika1739]

In October I filed an emergency order to suspend my ex wife's parenting visitation and the Judge granted it(Im hoping whoever reads this understands that that is not something that just happens out of thin air--theres things she did to allow this to happen.)  Ex wife was diagnosed in April 2016 with BPD but the whole family read Stop Walking on Eggshells about 2 years ago and it was like fining a golden key to a box that had always been locked.  We have a GAL appointed and he wants her to do therapeutic visits with the children, meaning a Therapist oversees her visitation for an hour or two.  She is broke so the GAL told me to get a therapist in my network.  I found a therapist who is covered  under my insurance who also happened to write a very popular book on BPD.  My thought is if this therapist does the visitation that my ex can maybe find out how to get treatment for herself.  My ex is a high frequency user of the health care system but being on medicaid never gets the quality of help she needs and actually sends her down a million rabbit holes.  Curious about others advice, opinions and experiences.



 

[Sluggo]

Mika,

Welcome to the board.  I am sorry you have been going through this but it sounds like the court is finally starting to see some of the paterns.  Yes speaking for myself, stop walking on eggshells was a watershed moment for me also. How long have you been divorced or separated?  What are the ages of the kids? 

I don't have experience with your question but there will be a few that do.  You will find them very helpful. 

[Turkish]

What events precipitated you suspending visitation? How old are your kids?

[ForeverDad]

My thought is if this therapist does the visitation that my ex can maybe find out how to get treatment for herself.  My ex is a high frequency user of the health care system but being on medicaid never gets the quality of help she needs and actually sends her down a million rabbit holes.

Your obstacle is something called Denial.  Very likely her sense of Denial is so intense that she has to Shift Blame onto others.  BPD has been called a Blamer's Disorder in the past.  Yes, part of the problem may be that the system thus far hasn't been of much help to her, but also not to be discounted is that recovery would require her to participate diligently in therapy and apply it in all her life, perceptions and behaviors.  Can she do that?  Really?  Time will tell, but it's not something you can do for her.

From experience gained around here, courts generally don't try very hard to improve or fix people.  If therapy helps, great, but otherwise court will treat you and her as you both are.  If you're expecting the court to hold her feet to the fire, so to speak, then don't count on it.  I'm just writing this so you don't get your hopes up overmuch.  Meanwhile, a practical theme here is to give focus and priority to yourself (as stable caregiver) and the children receiving your care.  Sadly, your ex is an adult and thus you can't live her life for her.  Not knowing what the final outcome of possible therapy might be at this early stage, work to have a good custody and parenting order that limits the problems she can cause.

[Mika1739]

I've been divorced 9 years this December, I'm 36 male, 13 year old daughter and 10 year old son.  Over the last 9 years she has been in and out of relationships with other men that cause her to loose interest in being a parent.  She tells the kids they should just go live with me one second and is smothering them with love the next.  Many days I would pick them up from her house and they would be trembling with anger and tears.  They always say their scared to talk to her because one little thing could blow up into a disaster.  The Judge is very wise and has picked up on how she Parentifies the children and her life has no boundries.  She treats the children like their her girlfriends and has no ability to filter.  The kids are scared of her one second and trying to feel happy the next.  Its sick reality for them. I'm not on the fence with her diagnosis, there is no doubt she has BPD--She is positive 8 out of 9 of the DSM criteria.

  In 2011 she was with a guy and tried to get more money from me than was laid out in our agreement.  When I said no, she said she was going to keep the kids from me then.  I brought her back to court and knowing her relationship with the guy she was with was more important I successfully negotiated a 50/50 parenting visitation agreement in mediation with her and the Court approved it.  Shortly after that the guy she was with left her but they had bought a house together.  The guy moved a couple states over and put the house on the market.  Against my wishes, my mother bought her house with the intention that the children would not loose their home and school because my ex can't hold a job, its only a matter of time until she says everyone in her job is out to get her and she is getting in screaming matches with people at her job.  Needless to say my mother never saw a rent payment and took over all the utilities of the house.

  In September of 2015 I moved to my ex's town because I pay for and schedule all extracurricular activities, pay for and make all schooling decisions, pay for and make all religious education and religious life decisions and pay for and make all health care appointments and decisions.  The reality is I do everything and that's just the truth, the Judge and GAL have pointed that out without me saying anything.  In November I learned that she was seeing a guy who just got out of prison for burglary, felony possession of a firearm and felony possession of controlled substance.  I knew it was time to retain my lawyer again.  I asked my ex to please not expose the children to him or bring him into the children's home but she told me she can do whatever she wants.  She told me he was the most amazing man she ever met.  On Christmas morning he was at the kids home with then on 1/2/16 she was away with the kids and she called me frantic saying he is a dangerous man and asked if I could get her dogs which he was watching at her house.  Thats how everything goes with her, splitting constantly.  Your the best, your the worst.  Your a god, your the devil.  I have dozens of emails saying what an amazing man and father I am and just as much I have emails that basically compare me to Charles Manson. 

2016 she has really come undone.  Day in and day out making excuses how sick she is, how she needs to see a new doctor and day after day, week after week asking me to care for the children on her days.  She  has lots of doctors and she is on all sorts of medication including prescribed narcotics.  When she runs out its one crisis after the other.  Basically, my lawyer said to track every move she makes and I started in September 2015 and enough data to write a book. From April to August 2016 I kept track, she only picked up and spent time with the children 18 out of 92 days she was supposed to per our current parenting agreement.  From June until late August she spent no time and did not get the kids at all for 85 day, she basically without warning deserted her parenting responsibilities for and entire summer break with no clear communication on when she could return.  The sad part is that all summer while I was taking the kids to their activities she had a new man at her house and the kids saw his car all summer which she told them all about in way too much detail during the few short phone calls she did manage to make to them.  When the kids asked where is mom I told them what she told me, that she was very sick and trying to see a doctor but that didn't go over with them when they saw this guy at her house all the time.  She was on Suboxen for a Heroin and Crack addiction she sought treatment for in 2012 upon which they put her on Suboxen which kept her off hard drugs but was not good for BPD. In late summer she told me she couldn't control her drinking and she was now drinking in the mornings.  On October 14 I received a call from a hospital asking if I could care for her dogs, I asked why she was in the hospital and they said alcohol withdrawl and suicidal idetions.  On October 25th she was out of the hospital and failed to show up for court.  Her lawyer said she hadn't heard from her and that my ex told her lawyer that she can't handle confrontation so refuses to talk to her own lawyer on the phone.  The Judge was not happy with her lawyers answers and granted me the emergency order.

The way I have been successful is that I have been tracking everything for over a year.  I don't have to pass judgments to her in court, I can simply say she is not involved in parenting and pull out my calendar.  I have been working on my plan for year.  Furthermore, her family who deserted her and wouldn't even consider paying from treatment when I asked them this summer, is now back manipulating her.  I know that hitting rock bottom is the only way for her to ask for help.  My mother made the healthy decision to inform her that she will be putting the house on the market 1/31/16 when the lease ends.

Because there as so many tangent symptoms and behavior the Judge and attorneys get distracted and I have to keep drilling down on the fact she was diagnosed with BPD in April 2016.  That her drugs and alcohol are critical to her recovery but they are just symptoms of BPD. 

I contacted the Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center out of NY Presbyterian Hospital and they gave me some Psychologists which I am trying to steer the GAL towards.  Its hard because she needs good insurance to get the care and its open enrollment until 12/15 but I can't force her to sign up in the marketplace.  Her parents are sick too they will spend money on all sorts of things that actually make her worse but they wont even pay her premium until she can get on her feet. They deserted her and I was the last one standing by her.  I asked them to pay for treatment for her and her mom told me if she has to die that so be it.  I believe her mother is BPD as well and they very unhealthy relationship. I'm not looking for people to tell me what I need to do on this site, I have professional therapist of my own and psychiatric doctors who rely on for that.  I am just looking to hear your stories in the Court systems.

[livednlearned]

Curious if the judge ordered counseling for the kids? Or were they already seeing a counselor under your care?

How are they doing?

[Mika1739]

They were already in therapy and have been for some time.  They are surprisingly resilient and they have been living under the lash of BPD rage and splitting so the reality is their happy here.  Just two weekends ago my BPD ex exploded on my daughter over the phone.  My daughter had spent the last 3 Sundays with BPD's mom (her grandma) which I have been keeping up because I thought it was important to keep those relationships involved.  I actually spend lots of time with BPD's parents over summer while BPD off MIA.  Anyway, my mom was in town so my daughter and BPD's mom already worked out that this Sunday my daughter would go out with my mom who was in town.  BPD called daughter at breakfast and told her this was a plot to push her mom out of the picture and destroy "the family" and daughter said "no, this was all prearranged and it is not a surprise, grandma knows."   The relentless calls continued by BPD to daughter about her terrible lack of loyalty and betrayal of "the family" and my daughter hung up on her.  BPD called back and said "listen you little b*%$, if you like it so much at your dads why don't you go live there forever."   The next day my daughter showed me a text message from BPD asking how her weekend was and what they wanted for Christmas.  This been our daily lives for years.

Again, the GAL is in charge and I told him what happened and my daughter did too and he said he was going to call her.  It's clear that the professionals don't quite know what to do with BPD.  She was diagnosed in April but we all know this is real and until she accepts the diagnosis and asks for help and commits herself to a plan for recovery and intense therapy: nothing will change.  I did the work of finding a therapist with an expert background in BPD who can guide the GAL, her name is Freda Friedman and she co-authored the book "Surviving a Parent with Borderline Personality Disorder"   She is in my area, my insurance covers her and I personally  talked to her she said she would talk to my GAL.  For whatever its worth and I guess so I can hear my self say it:  I was the last one standing, I loved longer than anyone and still do, I want her to get better, I want her in the children's lives--Lord knows its so hard being a single parent.  I have emails in June and July to her mom begging to pay for treatment.  The Judge even told my lawyer that I was way to involved with her.  Her family thinks her getting better is about her "growing up" and pulling up the bootstraps.  That is not how Recovery works, you cannot think your way into it if you are so afflicted.

Whew, that was some nice venting, thanks.

[livednlearned]

Being able to hang up on a BPD parent is an important life skill for a child, sad to say. And also a good sign that she can do that, and protect herself.

Thanks for sharing the book title, too. 

[Turkish]

That was an informational vent  

It's great that you were able to touch base with an experienced professional.  Please keep us updated.

Though I cringed when I read what your daughter's mother said to her, I agree that learning to step away (a hard stop boundary) is a good skill.  There is no excuse to be treated like that,  and i can't imagine calling my daughter such a name,  nor my son an "a-hole" as I was on occasion.  Gowing up with a BPD mother,  my boundary was leaving the home for hours,  returning in the evening,  often.  I had no one to guide me,  and it's great that your children have you.