When I first met her, I was so drawn to some of these wonderful qualities about her. How would I have ever known that her compassionate forgiveness, while real, was based on a contrivance of events? And therefore - is real but false?
They are there, these wonderfull qualities. I could write a long list with those qualities of my ex. I didn't fall for her for no reason. She has the
potential to be the best person i ever met.
My observation is, after months of decoding what happened is just that the closer you get, the more they need to suppress these qualities.
Ultimately the battle between the fears - Abandonment and Engulfment - drives them to become more and more controlling of the attachment.
And in that battle for control, cruel things happen, which they themselves not always can integrate with their good side, and in all that confusion they go through,
the only possible solution to this is that someone caused them so much hurt that they couldn't react any other way.
Partially it is even true, cause if i am really honest, i did try to fight against that need for control, and i also distanced myself at times, all in a confusing effort to gain some of that intimacy back, to get that person i met back, and due to my rational misunderstanding of what was going on, i probably made matters worse.