How to stay involved with an adult child

[Seeking Shalom]

My wife and I are looking for words of wisdom.  We have a 21 year old daughter in an abusive relationship which she refuses to admit.  She is engaged in risky behavior.  She lies and simply takes advantage of her family members... .promises to be available and then cancels or doesn't show up.  She is adopted, is type one diabetic who does not manage well.  High A1C  (10).  Professionals we have shared with say she is definite Borderline Personality Disorder.  How do we stay connected enough so not to lose her in the midst of our frustration with her and concern for her health and try to get her the help she needs so she moves forward in a meaningful way?
This is my first post... .searching for help and encouragement and advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

 

Hello and welcome Seeking Shalom... .you're not alone in your struggles.  

How do we stay connected enough so not to lose her in the midst of our frustration with her and concern for her health and try to get her the help she needs so she moves forward in a meaningful way?

Great question... .and the answer is you cannot change or fix her from my experience. They have to be willing to accept help... .and it needs to be professional help.    What you can do, is change your way that you react/communicate when things get dysregulated in her world or even before they become that way.  To the right side of the page here, you will find some tools and lessons to help give you a guide in that process.  Is she willing to get some therapy?  Are you seeking some professional counseling yourself?  Taking care of YOU is a big part in this process!  
Also, I've learned that the more you share here the more you get in return.
We look forward to hearing more.  

[Lollypop]

Welcome seeking shalom

drained1996 says it so well, we can't fix our adult children's problems. It took me a long time to accept this and ironically, after trying everything else, I tried the one thing I should have done in the first place - leave my BPDs26 to resolve his own problems.  It's very hard to watch them struggle and make bad choices and mistakes.

I'm so sorry to hear of your worries regarding your daughters health and abusive relationship. These really complicate matters and you both must be very troubled. At times I felt I just couldn't cope with the pain of watching as I didn't understand and I got caught up in fear.

Your daughters diabetes is a real concern but I'm not sure what you can do as she lives independently, not at home and she is technically an adult. Although at 21 my BPDs was still very immature and even at 26 is vulnerable.

We reached a point where we manoeuvred him out of our home. Our relationship was broken. He eventually spiralled downwards and we asked him to come home following a crisis.

The place where I started was trying to improve my relationship with my BPDs. I could see that he really really needed our support and I needed to learn how best I could provide that.  I think this is where you're at maybe.

I got reading and using the tools and started to practise validation. The more I learnt, the more I understood his challenges and limitations. I've learnt to understand my own priorities too. I'm very frustrated at him not seeking treatment and him using drugs to self medicate but this is his choice and not my priority.  My priority in my life is my relationship with him. I'm trying to be the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be; my BPDs needs to feel loved, really loved and not judged, accepted as he is. He needs to know he can ask for help (not financial, not to do things he should do for himself) and we will respond in an assertive but caring way. He needs encouragement. He needs to be nurtured but treated like an adult at the same time. It's tricky.

Practically speaking, I never told him what I thought he should do. I kept conversation light and very very gradually he started to respond positively. I demonstrated behaviour I wanted to see in him and eventually he copied. As he started to open up I never reacted - if I couldn't think of what to say (because I was so shocked) I'd just say "oh". He started to trust me to not react; and he tested me a lot.

I hope this helps in s small way. Please start reading and learning. Post a lot. It will help you. My relationship has never been as good with my adult son, despite the problems. There is hope and you have the answer to your problems right here if you're willing to work at it,

L

[Gladiola]

Wow,I feel for you guys.I'm also struggling with my relationship with my son that reacently turned 18.He is diagnosed with depression and mood disregulation ,but father and my ex is an abusive BPD.I see reasamblance and am so afraid of not being able to distinguish beetween the 2 of them.Adult kid is in therapy and medication also self madicating in my opinion.It is just so hard,especially when therapists are not giving any feedback.Wishing you guys the best.Goodluck to all of us.