NC UBPD bro attempts to charm/FOG

[Parasamgate]

Hello,
Long story short - after deploying some boundaries with my UBPD older bro, his behavior became increasingly bizarre, manipulative & hostile. Our mom had been afraid of him for several years. I was increasingly creeped out. He and his wife actually tried to fake a medical condition to FOG me into quitting my job so I could continue babysitting for free on demand, under their conditions, during which they refused(!) to leave enough milk for my hungry niece (so she would cry hysterically). After refusing to change my life to accommodate his demands, I walked out on my raging bro. He sent letters to our mother & I, accusing us of not "bonding" with them and until we apologized and showed "effort" to "show love" he did not want us around. My mom called him and he said he was "disowning us" as " punishment". She tried to talk sense into him explaining that his child would be the one most hurt by his actions. I continued sending cards and gifts for 2 years until he almost attacked me and I gave up. I still suffer through periods of intense guilt and sadness for my nieces. I feel like I have left them alone with this monster I know too well. I have been gratefully relieved to not deal with the drama and abuse from him. For a while, I was having panic attacks and lived in fear of running into him. I got therapy.
Over 5 years passed and then mom gets a letter from bro saying his daughter is asking about her. As if we were the ones who disowned him, he never said he wanted a relationship either. My mom was creeped out and frightened - she never responded.
While out shopping we have seen him alone, once he spots us he takes off (odd since we had more reason to be afraid of him), the outcome being that I am no longer afraid of him showing up or confronting me in public (actually being surrounded by strangers has always afforded me some protection from his behavior).
Despite this situation, for the past 2 years mom gets Christmas cards covered in pictures of them. I cried when I first saw my nieces faces... .probably the reaction bro would savor as he loved to make me cry. The oldest could be my twin. I wonder if that makes him treat her differently. Thank goodness I have seen their faces as this fall I was working at a farmers market and my SIL and nieces were there. I probably would have disolved into tears if I had not had preparation. I made eye contact w SIL but she rushed past and perhaps out of the shock of seeing my beautiful nieces (who of course did not recognize me) I was frozen in my seat with my heart thumping out of my chest. How I wanted to jump up and hug them to me and tell them how much they are loved! But I couldn't do it. A voice inside me told me to be still. My face a mask. I volunteered to work at the market again with a tiny hope that I would see them again but they never showed up.
I would never want bro to know how much he has hurt us. All of us. I am not even sure if he understands. I think he believes he is the only one who suffers. He lashes out because he wants to drag everyone down in that hole with him. WOW how thankful I am to not be part of the whirlwind anymore but so angry that so much of my life has been made so needlessly wounded. How ironic it is that one of his favorite Holiday movies was "It's a Wonderful Life". I sometimes ponder how different my life would have been without growing up with an abusive person manipulating and torturing me.
 

[drained1996]

 

Hello Parasamgate and welcome to the family.  We all here feel your pain, and understand the difficult circumstances you loved ones face.  Many here are either going through or have been through exactly what you are experiencing... .you are not alone.  Kudos to you for looking after yourself and seeking therapy... .and for introducing boundaries with your brother. 
Are you still seeing a therapist?
To the right of this page are some lessons and a guide you may find useful in your journey.  I also found that reading the stories of others here, and subsequently following the replies was of great help to me. 
You have found a place you can learn, and feel safe sharing.  I found posting here to be therapeutic, and the more I shared the more I got in return.  You have found the right place... .

[Parasamgate]

Hi Drained1996,
  Thank you for the supportive words.
 It is so difficult to explain what I am going through to most people... .even my husband cannot understand what I have been through, he seemed shocked that I wouldn't take the "opportunity" to talk to my SIL & nieces. After what I have been through I am wary, knowing nothing is simple with bro... .even the most kind gesture can turn into WW3. Even tho I understand it is not my fault that he misreads my actions, that I am not responsible for his delusions, behavior or how he treats his wife or kids... .it is hard to not feel like I could have done better for my nieces sakes. I could have made more of an effort & I didn't because I was angry... .so sick & tired of all the BS.  
I feel like there us no true resolution even in NC.
P.S. - My phone must have auto corrected the topic... .it is not "charmed" my bro is the furthest thing from charming! It was supposed to say "charm" .

[drained1996]

even my husband cannot understand what I have been through, he seemed shocked that I wouldn't take the "opportunity" to talk to my SIL & nieces

Yes, it's near impossible for those not directly affected by a person with BPD to understand.  Here you will find understanding... .as we all have direct experience in dealing with the illness.  

I am not responsible for his delusions, behavior or how he treats his wife or kids

You are correct, and it's very healthy you are able to recognize that fact.  

I could have made more of an effort & I didn't because I was angry... .so sick & tired of all the BS.  
I feel like there us no true resolution even in NC.

Setting a boundary of NC is self protecting, and many of us here have found that a necessary step for our own mental, emotional and even physical health.  Remember, HIS actions forced the necessity of the boundary.  

it is hard to not feel like I could have done better for my nieces sakes

This seems like the crux of why you are here... .would that be correct?  If so, what are you feeling on the subject?  Are you thinking of dipping back into the relationship for the sake of your nieces?  Or are you just venting?  Either answer is perfectly fine, feel free to share.