New member into

[Doug111]

I need help with my relationship.

My wife is high-functioning BPD.  We are raising children together.  I want my family to be solid.  I want to be a husband to my wife and I want to raise our children together.  Things are great and then things are terrible.  And the daily to hourly uncertainty has caused me to live in a constant state of anxiety and stress for the past two years in particular.

I only learned about BPD a few months ago.  A therapist loaned us a book about BP Mothers.  My wife read it and pointed to the things that she thought applied to her mom.  But I listened and saw a lot of those same behaviors in her.  After a particularly bad splitting incident, I researched BPD more.  I brought BP up with a therapist that had been seeing my wife for many years, and the two of us together and separately for a while, and then just separately.  She said she didn't like labels like BP.  OK fine.  But she did say she would categorize my wife as a high-functioning BP.  She asked if I had talked to my wife about BP.  No.  She recommended that I not do so.  OK fine.  She asked how I felt about that.  And I told her it gave me some hope again.  It put so many fights and events and behaviors and feelings into a context that made sense.  It gave me some confidence that I could adjust my approach to things in order to live a better life with my BP wife.  And some slim hope that maybe with the right therapist and motivation she could learn how to overcome or minimize her BP to some extent.  (I realize now that her therapist has been using all the right words with her for treating someone with BP, just without using the word BP.  And when I first talked to the therapist about BP, I was actually pretty pissed off that she didn't clue me in sooner!  But I can see how it was necessary or prudent.)

Then I bought Stop Walking On Eggshells on the sly, and I keep it in my vehicle, and I read it when I can.  And it's giving me hope.  I have always been hopeful by nature, and not really inclined to take other people's behavior personally, but I have been worn down into a bad place that IS NOT ME over the past two years.  And I'm using this book and whatever other help I can find to get back to the real me.  I am trying to understand BP better so I can be a better listener to things that don't make a bit of sense to me, but I know feel very real to her.  And I'm trying to reflect back my understanding, without going down into the pit with her.  Sometimes I do better, sometimes I don't.  I'm trying to do better to change old patterns of fighting that we have repeated so many times they just happen again so easily.  And I've had some success when I control myself and don't take it personally.  Other times not so good.

I'm working to set limits and communicate them clearly and kindly.  I have allowed myself to be coerced and threatened and manipulated into situations that were not right and are not consistent with my conception of me as an individual.  No more.  I am learning to practice some detachment so I don't get dragged into anxiety and despair that are not mine, or into situations that are not right.

I need to work on myself.  Over the past two years I have started drinking more and more beer each night when I get home from work, to medicate my anxiety.  There is always a good reason to drink beer, either as a celebration because it's a happy night, or to try to drown the pain of a terrible night.  It's not sustainable.  I need to take care of myself better so I can more consistently deal with my own reactions to behaviors I can now expect from my wife.

So I'm looking for my own therapist now.  One with experience with anxiety, personality disorders, family of personality disorders, and people on the path to alcoholism (I'm not there yet, dammit).

And I still haven't talked with my wife about BP.  Everything I have read and heard makes it sound like me bringing it up would end badly.  So I do what I can with my own actions and the things I am learning from Stop Walking on Eggshells.  And I'll buy the associated Workbook soon.

This is my first time posting on any board.  I'm not a Facebook kind of guy.  So this is all very different for me.  I would appreciate any advice or support you can provide, and I will do my best to support all of you.

Thank you.

[Turkish]

Hi Doug111,

I'm logging off for the night,  but just wanted to welcome you.  Btw- I can relate to the beer.

It's not a good idea at this point to bring up the BPD. I encourage you in the meantime to read the lessons on the Improving Board. 

How old are your kids and how is this affecting them?

Turkish

[Doug111]

Hi Turkish,

My kids are doing mostly ok, I think?  My girl is 11 and my boy is 5.  My boy has been acting out a bit in school recently, but he is a boy, so maybe it's a phase.  My girl is super smart and I'm sure is way more perceptive than she let's on.  She is doing well in school and opens up to me when she gets stressed out.

I won't bring up BPD.  And I will check out the Improving Board.

Thank you.

[Turkish]

Mine are S6 and D4. My ex is trying to label our son autistic. I think she just doesn't relate to his mind well, but that's another story. 

We talk a lot about validating in regards to pwBPD  (people with BPD). Validation, however,  works on anybody. It's great that you have the communication with D11, a tender age regardless. A book many members find useful is this:

The Power of Validation

It's worth checking out.