I Can't sleep next to my uBPD husband anymore

[flower211]

We've been married for 16 years. The first 7 years of our marriage, I couldn't sleep without him. Literally, could not fall asleep until his head hit the pillow next to mine. Fast fwd to a huge move from OR to Phoenix, AZ. I didn't want to move, he did (it was for his career). We moved in with his parents (BPD mom and NPD dad- aka: NIGHTMARE) Because of all the stress, I was having massive troubles sleeping. Every little thing would wake me up, my husband would be snoring, then he would wake up cuz I was up and half the time he would be cussing me out for waking him up. I ended up choosing to sleep on a daybed in another room. We bought a house, moved in, and I kept finding myself in the other room, in another bed. I felt safer? more secure? sleeping by myself than sleeping next to him. I left him for a few times because of verbal and physical abuse during that time, as well.
Fast Forward to now. We've been married for 16 years, but I still sleep in another room, in my own bed. We have 3 children together, whom we love very much.
We got in a fight this week, and divorce was a threat on the table (always comes up) and my husband says my not sleeping next to him at night is a "deal breaker". He needs the softness of a woman sleeping next to him.
But here's my deal: After all these years of constant ups and downs with him, his temper, and my own abandonment issues by my father, I have been diagnosed with PTSD (on top of having Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, an autoimmune disease) I have chronic hyperviligence and when I try to sleep with him (I have tried, many times) I literally lie awake half the night, stiff as a board, waiting for something to happen.
Now I'm being guilt tripped, that he is deprived of touch and love, and obligated, because I am his wife, and in fear because of the subtle threats to leave/divorce if I don't.
I don't know how to handle this. I need my sleep. I have an autoimmune disease and if I don't rest, I get sick. Like, REALLY sick. And in pain.
I get that he needs comfort and closeness. It's just that I need my sleep more... .is that selfish? I don't know what to do. If I just say, sure, sleep with me, I will suffer and not rest for god-knows-how-long, will end up resentful and very angry. If I don't sleep with him, HE ends up resentful and bitter.
It's a no-win.
Any help here? Anyone else unable to sleep next to their uBPD/NPD spouse? I love him, I do. I want it to work. I just don't know how to get past this. It's been conditioned in me to be afraid of sleeping with him.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

flower211,

I see your struggle here.  Any chance he may be open to discussing some options with you?
Something like: Ok, I'll try this and let you fall asleep, then I'm going to go to another bed if I'm having trouble so that I do not interrupt your sleep?

This gives a win win scenario... .he gets your comfort, and you get your sleep.

Have you tried any over the counter natural sleep aids?... .10mg of Melatonin has worked well for me in the past.  Maybe if something like that helps you may be able to actually sleep in the same bed?

Let us know your thoughts... .