Don't want to be alone anymore

[sadcat50746]

Hello,
I’ve been with my male partner for 6 ½ years and only recently determined that he has either BPD or so many traits of it that it’s close enough not to matter. He is high functioning, can hold down a good job, we own a house, have cars all that jazz. But underneath…it all feels so tenuous.
I’ve spent years tying myself in knots trying to figure out why he behaves like this. Why he can be so loving and sweet and thoughtful and then I say something ‘wrong’ and he changes into someone that terrifies-and exhausts-me. He is never physically violent but there have been several instances of verbal and emotional abuse that he rarely acknowledges let alone gives real apology with validation for my feelings of fear and hurt.
The hardest part of all is that I have a son from a previous relationship who has really only known my partner as his father figure. I worry for him always and live with a fear of how my partner is affecting my son and his emotional development.
I have reached a point in my life where I don’t feel I can really confide in anyone but my therapist beyond the very basic details, after 6 years my friends are mostly confused as to why I am still with him.
It feels weird to spill all this out into the void of the internet, but I’m hoping to find some kind of fellowship with other people who have these kinds of relationships.
Thank you for reading this rambling intro.
-SC

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi sadcat, and welcome to the family.  We feel your pain, and understand what it's like finding yourself unable to share your issues with friends and family.  Here you have found people who like you, either have been through, or are currently going through the same situations.  It's soothing to find out you are not alone. 
To the right of this page you will note there are some tools and lessons you will find helpful in your journey.  One realization I had in my own process was that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react/communicate with them and that can be a big help. 
I also found that sharing here was very therapeutic for me, and I saw that the more I shared, the more I got in return.  Yes, many of us found it a little odd to share our issues with complete strangers, but finding that we shared so many of the same experiences helps lessen that feeling!  Take a look around at some of the stories of others, and I think you will be shocked at just how many mirror  your situation.  You are not alone.  You have found the right place!
How old is your son?  Does he live with you all?  If you are comfortable, give us a little more background and detail of your situation. 
We are here... .

[sadcat50746]

Thank you for the welcome, I have only read a little on the forum and can already see some similarities between my relationship and those of the others that are here. I am glad to have found it.
About me; I’m in my early 30’s, work in a small office doing what I call data pushing, write novels and have bipolar disorder. I am on meds for it and see a therapist weekly (and have been doing so for years) and feel that I have a pretty good handle on it for the most part. I try to work on myself every day and do my best to make wise choices and be mindful of my life and the world around me. I don’t always succeed and there are a lot of backwards steps but I am determined to keep going.
My uBPDh is a few years older than me, works in IT and has a life history of mental health disorders, ongoing alcoholism and past substance abuse, self harm and cynical outlook on life. His mother is also a uBPD and was incredibly abusive to him and the rest of his family and is no longer allowed in any of their lives. He can be supportive, funny and thoughtful, with a twisty intellectual mind that leads to great conversations between us. We are very alike in some ways and lots of days are wonderful. But he is also incredibly paranoid, overly demanding of support and sympathy, judgmental and dismissive of other people and very rarely willing/able to see his own role in how negatively he affects others with these traits. Often he demands sameness between us, I have to like his music, movies and books and be willing to listen/watch/read whenever he wants to or he is often hurt and will make snide comments and go into a sulky silence. I love him and sometimes I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad.
My son is 8 and a wonderful kid. He is gentle, kind, thoughtful and incredibly stubborn and determined. His bio dad is no longer in the picture because he abused my son and I so my son lives with me full time. Thankfully he barely remembers the abuse consciously but it certainly left scars on his psyche that have resulted in him being very sensitive to people’s moods and whenever he is hurt by someone he knows and loves he will often withdraw into himself and shut them out due to fear. This in turn causes uBPDh to feel rejected and hurt and he then lashes out by being mean and/or overly demanding. It has caused my son to push him away and for him to ultimately view me as the only person who will always be safe for him to talk to and be around.
When uBPDh talks to me about how he perceives my sons motivations I sometimes find it frightening. He will often assume that Son is doing things out of malice or with intent to upset uBPDh. For instance, one day he said that Son purposefully failed a spelling test because he wanted to make uBPDh feel bad. When he says things like that it shines a light on what to me is a very dark place where he is so far beyond logical, rational thinking that instead of a sweet child who gets along with just about everyone and loves my partner as a father is a scheming mastermind who tries to find subtle ways to hurt him.
I often feel caught in the middle as nothing enrages my partner more than when I step between him and my son when it’s a situation where he is going overboard or being mean just to be mean. It has been the cause of many fights and the last one was particularly bad resulting in me sleeping on the couch and having to stay home from work the next day because I was in no condition to go in and pretend all was fine.
I’ve been looking for help in that area especially. How do you set boundaries for your child and enforce them?

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

You will certainly find a lot of answers here. Whilst we cannot "change" him, hopefully we can give you some skills to make your interactions with him much better - which should help life.

It sounds like you have good boundaries already with respect to your son. Stepping in would be difficult, but sometimes necessary. Teaching your son some of the tools you find here will also help him to cope better. I am doing the same with my kids (7/10) and they do cope better.

There is a ton of information on this site - it will take you ages to get through it all. I woul recommend starting with Validation https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0  It's a conversation technique that stops trying to "help him", and starts listening to him. It almost feels like you indulge him and let him vent, but it does make him feel heard and lowers tension.

Have you read any published books? Stop walking on eggshells is a great start.