Guilt over evicting BPD sister

[Beacher]

Really feeling low. My sister has been one of the most manipulative, abusive people I have ever known. Lived with and off of my mother almost her entire life, ruined her credit, emotionally battered her and just made her life miserable.
When Mom went into a nursing home, we allowed her to stay in the house for 5 years rent free and in addition gave her $1000 a month so she could live out her inheritance of half the house. Mom passed away a few months ago and also sisters money has been payed out to her. We told her July, August and September her time was up and she refused to answer the door, acknowledge mail or pick up certified mail. We cannot afford to fund this house anymore and want to move on with our lives. Went to court and since she did not bother showing up, the case was adjourned. Now next week they will give her 3 days notice to move or we go with the court officer and a locksmith to get her out.
I feel terrible doing this, especially during the holiday season, but all this time she has refused to get a job or even save any money or look for a place to live. She even has a friend living with her and bought two dogs when my mother specifically told her ' no pets'. It's all about her and always has been.So now she is almost 60 years old, no job, crying she is disabled and no place to live. What can we do but detach with love? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Notwendy]

You certainly have gone above and beyond any obligation to your sister.


I think people like her become dependent on the goodwill of others. Without any life skills, I think manipulation and abuse become their life-survival skills.

People do what they need to do to survive. It looks like this is how your sister survived 60 years and while you don't have to put up with this or support this, your sister knows no other way to be. It doesn't surprise me that she didn't leave, that she stayed until it came down to evicting her, because she doesn't have the motivation to do something else unless she is forced to.

Basically, by evicting her, you are ceasing to enable her. That is a good thing. However, without life skills, and if she is truly disabled and mentally ill, expecting her to get a job and find a place on her own right away at this point is probably unrealistic.

What resources are available in your community? Can she get disability? Does she have any money to rent an apartment? This isn't your problem, but I wonder if social services can step in to help her in any way? In fact she is likely to resist any help from you to get her to change, and it isn't your responsibility to support her indefinitely.

It may be that she has to hit bottom before she makes a change. With people to live off of, she has no reason to try to support herself. Your evicting her is actually not enabling her - and you can have peace with that. One thing is that, without stopping the support, she has no incentive to do things differently.

[Beacher]

Thank you Notwendy for that insight. That has been exactly how she has coped all her life and with my mom also suffering from depression she never had the strength to tell her to move out and literally get a life. I think part of it was her fear of being alone ( she has been widowed twice) and my other sister and I were so fed up with the two of them calling us and complaining about each other we just stayed away. Sister living there would fly into a rage when we would try to ask her to pay rent or help with the heating bill.
There are plenty of resources in our area, but chooses not to look into any of them as that would be below her to ask for help. It's easier for her to pick up the phone and call her pro bono lawyer to get what she always feels is entitled to her. She has sued God knows how many people over car accidents or anyone who she believes has wronged her in some way.its so despicable. I am working two jobs to keep that house going when I myself have had 3 spinal surgeries- 2 in the last two years! I want to be able to save for my retirement and live a quiet life but always live in fear what she will do next.
I really do fear for her- she is still my sister and I love her but as you said the enabling is OVER. I just pray she does not go to court to get a 6 month stay because of hardship, which is possible in our state. I can barely pay my own bills and it will send me over the edge.

[AlanW55]

Beacher, I just want to say that your post resonated with me and I wish you luck.  It's just a completely thankless position we are in as family members.  Our ill family members have no accountability, and will just unload on us for drawing proper boundaries, but at the same time they are really suffering so it puts us in such difficult positions.  I hope things go as well as they can. 

AlanW55

[Janneke]

I'd like to validate the guilt feeling... .it seems only natural that you'd feel "I shouldn't be doing this" when you HAVE been doing it for so long.

I resonated with this because I worry I will be in a similar situation at some point. I've done a lot of thinking about what our obligations are as siblings.

I think you have to take care of YOU.
You are also taking care of her, in a way, by stopping the enabling.