Clouded Memories

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've realized for a while now that I have a hard time remembering a lot of my interactions with my ex.

We were in a 7 year relationship, lived together nearly the entire time, and yet I'm struggling to remember a lot of it.

I can remember really BIG things, like what happened during rages (actions, mainly) and of course I can remember fun things we did, events, things like that.
But if you asked me what words were exchanged in arguments, I probably couldn't tell you.

A lot of my memories just feel clouded and hazy. I'm sure if I had journaled at the time, rereading it would remind me, but whenever I did I always threw them away so she wouldn't see.  

Has anyone else experienced this?
I know it's been said that people with BPD themselves often forget things that happened during a rage, etc. but what about their partners?

Part of the reason I started thinking about this is because I was trying to recall all the negative things that have happened. But I can never remember much as far as actual conversations. I'll remember her breaking things or tying a noose for example, but I can't remember why it got to that point, what she said or even what I said. I wish I could, because I think it would help. Sometimes the inability to remember makes me question if I said something really stupid or did something that triggered her. It makes it harder for me to determine if I handled things well or not.

Once in a while I'll get a random memory that I had totally forgotten about and I'll try to think back and figure out why it happened, but I usually can't.
Maybe this is common and isn't as weird as it feels. Just curious to see if others relate.

[JJacks0]

I've realized for a while now that I have a hard time remembering a lot of my interactions with my ex.

We were in a 7 year relationship, lived together nearly the entire time, and yet I'm struggling to remember a lot of it.

I can remember really BIG things, like what happened during rages (actions, mainly) and of course I can remember fun things we did, events, things like that.
But if you asked me what words were exchanged in arguments, I probably couldn't tell you.

A lot of my memories just feel clouded and hazy. I'm sure if I had journaled at the time, rereading it would remind me, but whenever I did I always threw them away so she wouldn't see.  

Has anyone else experienced this?
I know it's been said that people with BPD themselves often forget things that happened during a rage, etc. but what about their partners?

Part of the reason I started thinking about this is because I was trying to recall all the negative things that have happened. But I can never remember much as far as actual conversations. I'll remember her breaking things or tying a noose for example, but I can't remember why it got to that point, what she said or even what I said. I wish I could, because I think it would help. Sometimes the inability to remember makes me question if I said something really stupid or did something that triggered her. It makes it harder for me to determine if I handled things well or not.

Once in a while I'll get a random memory that I had totally forgotten about and I'll try to think back and figure out why it happened, but I usually can't.
Maybe this is common and isn't as weird as it feels. Just curious to see if others relate.

[eden33]

Jacks,

I've been feeling the same way after my break up. Journaling was actually something that I used to cope with the ups and downs of my relationship, and I have about a year's worth of arguments written down. It might sound strange, but it doesn't help much looking back on everything that's happened. I read and read but like you said, I don't understand how we got there. Maybe we're blocking those kind of memories out, and were in a kind of survival-mode? I'm sorry I don't have answers. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Also, I know that it's easy to slip into blaming yourself for getting into arguments and second-guessing what you did. I'm sure you handled things as best as you possibly could.

Have a good day!

[JJacks0]

Thanks eden!

It does help to know someone can relate.

One time I mentioned to my T that I couldn't really remember a lot of things, to which she said, "Of course you don't, why would you want to?" So she seems to hold the notion that I've intentionally forgotten.

I wasn't sure that was the case though, as it seems a little extreme and I do remember the big things.
I don't know.

Regardless, thanks for sharing, I appreciate it!

[Lonely_Astro]

Time has a way of sneaking in the good stuff and pushing out the bad. It's called nostalgia. We all experience it at some point.  For instance, my ex did a lot of bad things to me. I don't really recall the feelings of how badly I was hurt by her. Yes, I remember that I was hurt, but I don't "feel" it like I did in the moment.

As time passes, what I remember most was the good times we had. I often counter that nostalgia with following it up with something she did that was bad to me.  But, essentially, it's our minds putting the bad stuff away so we can move on and not be stuck remembering how crummy we were treated.