There is no help and I have 0 sympathy for her anymore...

[nonbpdis-m]

All the advice in the world is ultimately futile.  I went out with my family for a christmas drink.  Told her well in advance and she was 'fine' with it when i told her.  Cometh the actual night and hell breaks loose cos i'm out after 6.  Now people on here will provide the words of wisdom 'oh just listen to her, hear what she's saying with a calm collected demeanour and validate her'. what a load of nonsense. <<< This does NOT work ever. She's on one and there is no calming her down even if I had 28 ears on my body, all on full volume listening to her nonsense.  Now because I went out I was escorted out of the house by the police and she has banned me from seeing my daughter.  I have 0 sympathy for these BPD's all they do is blame everyone else for the horrible things they do.  They do NOT have 'more empathy than others' or 'care too much' (hilarious).  They are consumed with their self and that is it.  Their behaviour is nothing short if disgusting and if men behave like this they are brandished woman beaters and end up in jail, which coincidentally I nearly did this morning.  The women with BPD get away with murder because they are in pain.  Oh poor you what about the pain you inflict on everyone else?

[nonbpdis-m]

Th truth is there is no way to handle it.  You just have to undertake a damage limitation exercise for the rest of your life if you have children with them or at least until they turn 16.  Even if you try and escape they hunt you down mercilessly and will stop at nothing to bring their kidnap victim back to the basement.  They promise you the world 100% and deliver 0%.

[Mike82]

I've been witness to very similar behaviors, and I agree that the "blame game" will make your head spin trying figure out if you/I is the one acting like a child.  It's exhausting living in an environment that requires such a high level of mental alertness to catch the manipulations. 

Like you, I recently destroyed brand new furniture after a day full of being blamed, even when my wife decided to cut herself, it was my fault. And when I sat in tears, I was blamed for not feeling sorry for her or being open to her support (I was crying about her affair, FYI). 

It's bonkers, I agree with you 100% and no, I don't give the BPD a pass, in fact she pushed you to the brink of violence by taking away your personal rights, emotions and likely even your physical space.  It seems BPD are experts at physical violations that don't involve actual contact, but the violations are still there.

Suggestions: well, I'm writing this having recently broken my own advice so this is moreso me offering myself guidance.  That said, I need to be willing to set boundaries with repercussions that I can uphold.  Then be ready to walk away when the anger is boiling over... .

[nonbpdis-m]

Hi, I am currently enduring another tirade via text while I am at work.  There is literally nothing that stops the hurricane and despite the advice, you are tip-toeing around her all the time.  I am NOT a narcissist or a 'beta chump' I am just a man trying to live and be healthy for the sake of my daughter and my self (yes that does not mean I'm narcissistic).  I saw the look in the eyes of the policemen, they knew what was going on.  There is a culture of making excuses for their behaviour which I believe is not on.  I do like this board and I feel better after coming on here but If men behave in this manner is nothing short of domestic abuse.  A BPD sufferer is 'hurt from past trauma and reacting to being scared'.  Ok fair enough but how far into your life can you play that card over and over?  As for not taking it personally, the filth that comes out of their mouth IS personal.  Sorry for venting.

[mrstring]

I am almost at this point myself. It's very insidious because I do have faults and things I would do better so I have sympathy for her, that is why and perhaps others tolerate the "abuse" we get. Constant blame, accusations of cheating(when they themselves have cheated). I do love her and care for her, even if she says otherwise but it is very very tiring.

[Five28]

This post strikes close to home. My BPD wife of 36 years cannot stand my parents, particularly my mom. I asked her last week if she would mind if I went to dinner with my parents and siblings to celebrate my dads 86th birthday. At first she seemed ok with it. Fast forward half an hour and all hell broke loose. How could I want to "socialize" without her? I ended up canceling my plans and just went over to their house for a few hours. But, I was told to be home by 4:30pm. I actually did make it back home on time and still got the cold shoulder and am not being spoken to. I am slowly losing my patience with this life and expect to be on my own one day soon. This isn't the way to live, constantly walking on egg shells. I'm tired of always trying to think like I'm playing a game of chess or something, wondering if I will make the right move and be rewarded, or make the wrong move and end up in the dog house again.

[mrstring]

This post strikes close to home. My BPD wife of 36 years cannot stand my parents, particularly my mom. I asked her last week if she would mind if I went to dinner with my parents and siblings to celebrate my dads 86th birthday. At first she seemed ok with it. Fast forward half an hour and all hell broke loose. How could I want to "socialize" without her? I ended up canceling my plans and just went over to their house for a few hours. But, I was told to be home by 4:30pm. I actually did make it back home on time and still got the cold shoulder and am not being spoken to. I am slowly losing my patience with this life and expect to be on my own one day soon. This isn't the way to live, constantly walking on egg shells. I'm tired of always trying to think like I'm playing a game of chess or something, wondering if I will make the right move and be rewarded, or make the wrong move and end up in the dog house again.

Just my 2 cents, my mom is 70 and my dad is 71. They live in another state and I feel at their age I don't know how many times I will see them again. I know she will make it a living hell but seeing your dad is important in my opinion. Same thing with my girlfriend and my mom, even though my mom has been nice and giving she views her as a bad person sometimes and feels threatened.

[nonbpdis-m]

This post strikes close to home. My BPD wife of 36 years cannot stand my parents, particularly my mom. I asked her last week if she would mind if I went to dinner with my parents and siblings to celebrate my dads 86th birthday. At first she seemed ok with it. Fast forward half an hour and all hell broke loose. How could I want to "socialize" without her? I ended up canceling my plans and just went over to their house for a few hours. But, I was told to be home by 4:30pm. I actually did make it back home on time and still got the cold shoulder and am not being spoken to. I am slowly losing my patience with this life and expect to be on my own one day soon. This isn't the way to live, constantly walking on egg shells. I'm tired of always trying to think like I'm playing a game of chess or something, wondering if I will make the right move and be rewarded, or make the wrong move and end up in the dog house again.

All I can say is you are not alone.  If my friends invite me to something she will either make other plans for us, fake illness, invite herself (to a boys only event) or just outright tantrum so as to stop me going.  I am completely at the end of my tether and I don't want this life anymore I want to save up and move out asap.  Mind you I will probably end up going back once she plays the 'your daughter is calling for daddy to come home' card (see manipulation and charming).

[formflier]

Police have been to my house several times.  Sometimes I have called... .sometimes my wife has called.

Social services investigated us and it came out that I was the one that "reported us".  Wife flipped out.

I would never have guessed in a million years that my life would turn out like this.

I also would have never guessed that I would need to take a look at myself... .an uncomfortable look... .and make changes.

My big picture:  I stopped tiptoeing around.  I also had to learn how to live my life, without being offensive.  You can live your life and still be friendly to a pwBPD.  Even if they are unfriendly.

Your going out with friends example:

You need to go... .if that means turning off your phone and enjoying them.  Then do it.

You also need to accept that she gets to react, however she wants.  Let her do that.  Don't participate.

There are many things that don't need to be listened to... .that don't need to be validated.

Take care of yourself first. 

These boards can help you gain skill and wisdom of when to listen and when to go for a walk.

Can you give us some details of how police came to be called?  He said she said kind a thing.

FF

[Five28]

All I can say is you are not alone.  If my friends invite me to something she will either make other plans for us, fake illness, invite herself (to a boys only event) or just outright tantrum so as to stop me going.  I am completely at the end of my tether and I don't want this life anymore I want to save up and move out asap.  Mind you I will probably end up going back once she plays the 'your daughter is calling for daddy to come home' card (see manipulation and charming).

I feel your pain. The problem is, with kids involved, no matter how much you save or plan on leaving, she will probably end up with the upper hand. If you leave she'll probably claim abandonment, and then she'll get half of your stuff along with child support and maintenance. I'm in the same boat here, minus the kids as mine are grown. She's thwarted most of my efforts to go out with buddies for years and as a result, they have stopped asking me, because they know I'll probably not go anyway simply to try to keep the peace. I should have seen this lurking under the surface when we were dating but I had no idea there was even such a thing as BPD. In a perfect world these damaged women should be branded with a red X on their foreheads so that men know what they are getting in to. 

[Dontknow88]

Th truth is there is no way to handle it.  You just have to undertake a damage limitation exercise for the rest of your life if you have children with them or at least until they turn 16.  Even if you try and escape they hunt you down mercilessly and will stop at nothing to bring their kidnap victim back to the basement.  They promise you the world 100% and deliver 0%.

This. I back this up hold heartedly unfortunately I have 15 more years to go.

[lookingforanswer]

I agree. I think the BPDs inflict a world of pain and we don't have any choice but to change our behaviour to combat it. If I could jump back in my time machine, I would.

I don't agree about the women comment though. My husband does many of these same things--especially when I was sitting crying about his affair. He did not care. He was upset because I "made" him cheat on me. So then the whole upsetting situation is turned on its head as to how upset HE is.

It's a joke all around. If I could break free of the situation, I would in a heartbeat.

[Jay3762]

It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I hate to see that there are so many men in the same situation as me. I just found out my BPD wife is pregnant and I'm so scared, upset, pissed off, angry. I feel like she has the ultimate weapon now. I'm curious though, wouldn't it be fairly easy to get full custody of a child when the mother is unemployed, has been diagnosed with a mental illness, and has documented episodes of self-harm? I feel like it'd be pretty obvious who should take care of the child, no?

I feel your pain. The problem is, with kids involved, no matter how much you save or plan on leaving, she will probably end up with the upper hand. If you leave she'll probably claim abandonment, and then she'll get half of your stuff along with child support and maintenance. I'm in the same boat here, minus the kids as mine are grown. She's thwarted most of my efforts to go out with buddies for years and as a result, they have stopped asking me, because they know I'll probably not go anyway simply to try to keep the peace. I should have seen this lurking under the surface when we were dating but I had no idea there was even such a thing as BPD. In a perfect world these damaged women should be branded with a red X on their foreheads so that men know what they are getting in to. 

[nonbpdis-m]

Although I have a child with her, luckily we do not have a mortgage and are not married.  I think a break up in that situation would finish me off.  She was locked up by the police for another attack on me 3 days ago.  The police do not even say much anymore they pick her up and take her straight to the cell.  It is very clear what is happening under our roof and I have had a guts full of this now.  I am currently between our house and my fathers, going back and fore which is incredibly unsettling and upsetting my young daughter (and me).  What is it with her and the Christmas holidays?

[nonbpdis-m]

This. I back this up hold heartedly unfortunately I have 15 more years to go.

I am only a year ahead... .go me

[Dontknow88]

I am only a year ahead... .go me

Lucky you!

How are you handling it so far? What's your custody agreement like if you don't mind me asking

[nonbpdis-m]

We are not officially broken up yet.  I cannot see us lasting until the new year It's been recycled over and over with me having to stay at various other places e.g. my parents/other family/friends etc. throughout the relationship.  Sometimes for a night, sometimes for three months when I've been trying to escape.