Twenty year old son In process of getting a personality disorder diagnosis

[Acacia]

Hello,
I'm very new to message boards in general, and this is my first attempt to reach out to others regarding my situation with my son.

My son is 20, and I adopted him when he was 2. He had early trauma with some abuse and neglect, then one foster home and then me all before he was two. He's my ex husband's nephew but after divorce I adopted him on my own. It's always been a complex journey. I've always sought help but it's always not quite helped.

My son always had trouble and was oppositional though not diagnosed with such. In first grade he got an IEP for learning issues but the psychologist said he would someday be labeled as Emotionally Disabled. We switched schools always trying to solve problems by altering the environment while also seeking therapy (I'm just giving you general idea- we didn't leave because of diagnosis, just listing off what happened). He ended up not doing well in one high school so we moved him to another, and he failed his junior year. He was older 18 as he'd been held back. In kindergarten  We opted for him taking GED as a junior because once he is in a hole he doesn't get out. He failed because of a break up from a girl. He just threw the whole year. At my wits end I sent him to try living with his dad (biological uncle) who is quite a difficult person but I felt he needed something. He lived there for a year and got and lost a couple of jobs there. He got very depressed so we said he should try to figure things out with my family again. He moved in with the intention of trying to move out on his own. He was not trying to get a job, he would do token amounts. We have small children and so when I caught him smoking weed in our home I said he needed to move out and I gave him 24 hours. He miraculously had a job he was toying with accepting (until I kicked him out he wasn't sure he really wanted the job) and he found a place to live. Over the next 6 months he went into extreme debt, electric turned off and we live in very hot desert. He was fired and charged with misdemeanor for theft. We had to bail him out a ton.

He moved back in on the condition he would go to weekly counseling, no drugs, complete community service hours in lieu of court fine, and get psychiatric evaluation. He's mostly complying. The psych evaluation is being done by Integrative Psych and they are in process of diagnosing him with a personality disorder. We don't know which one. He's not taking meds just vitamins ect. If he takes them. He is enrolled in jr college but he lies about going. He had an art class and apparently missed first day so he was dropped but he lied to us for months saying he was going. The lying is the hardest. We never know if he's really telling truth. He smokes pot with friends. He can't get a job because of background checks show a recent misdemeanor. So he sleeps, he wakes and does a title cleaning in his room and does some art. He goes out a tiny bit but he usually forgets appointments. I have three other kids to worry about.

I'm worried. I don't know where this is all going. Is he going to be on disability ? Are we going to be stuck. There really is no help. The only suggestion the psych had was a help line for kids with ODD. Soo.

My current plan is to get a diagnosis in place to continue to support him to do art and encourage him to take a other classes. We need to get his misdemeanor set aside. It will be on his record forever but if it is set aside he can start to get jobs again. Then what? I can't keep doing this forever. Just wanting to get a few things in place. If I say he has to go live on his own he won't succeed at this point. Once he has a diagnosis maybe he can get services, a half way house ect. Or maybe that is all in my head and really there won't be any such services. We live in AZ and truly it is a desert in terms of any help or services.

Ok that is super long. Bless you for reading it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Acacia,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. It has to feel discouraging when we think that things won't change. It helps to talk to other people that have gone through this, you're not alone.  

You have the right idea with trying to look ahead, I'd recommend giving NAMI a call https://www.nami.org/About-NAM there's a toll free number on that page for referrals.

[Acacia]

Thank you Mutt. I'll check into a support group. Looks like there may be one I can attend

[Mutt]

That's good news  Keep us posted. Meanwhile we have a lot of resources that help with loved ones that have a personality disorder and can also you be applied to any r/s. The lessons are on the right side of the board and feel free to check around, sometimes someone has gone through something similar and you might find answers for your situation.