facebook stalking?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello From Europe to Everyone.

In the begging apologize for my english - I;am gonna try as hard as I can

I’ve met her 2 years ago. It was a perfect storm.
It didn’t last long (1 month) and as my therapist said „she run away from me because of emotions and that she definitely fell in love too quickly.

Why she is BPD? on the third meeting she said, that she is adult children of alcoholic - in the internet AAC is comparing to BPD.
She said that I am to good for her, perfect, that she was waiting for me her whole life, that every man in her life left her for some reason and she can’t imagine what it would be if I left her. - yep, big bomb on me on the second date - the next day she said, she didn’t feel anything and some other girl will be the lucky one for me ( i don't want to say how amazing it Was in the beginning )

And then something starts.
No contact with me, no text, everything is gone even a friendship.
I didn’t took it very well so I went to the best shrink in town so he could help me understand WTF is going on… and everything starts to be bright. she runaway, she have a new replacement ( really ugly guy divorced with 2 kids

We don’t have each other on the Facebook friend list but I’ve noticed strange patterns between my actions on Facebook and hers.

After couple of months she started to change profile pictures while i was changing mine.
Her profile was very public and she start to show how happy her life is - its a lie - she is not happy, she's working 12hr a day, and have a cat... I’ve decide in september 2016 to close my public posts and she did the same. Then I deleted my Facebook account, and return in february - i thought it was a good idea but…She must noticed that I have a new account, and I August 2017 my public posts were disabled and only my friend list can see what I’am posting. My dear friend call me 1 day later and said „man... she did it again”, after 3 month I’ve changed my Facebook photo - she did the same even that she didn't post anything before for 1,5 months.

Can You please tell me what is she doing? My therapist said that this is some way of communicate and it’s not coincidence. I don’t want to be with her but its scare the  out of me - she wont look at me, say hi or anything but she is still stalking my Facebook page - or am i wrong maybe?

Thanks

G.

[grandstory]

Hello From Europe to Everyone.

In the begging apologize for my english - I;am gonna try as hard as I can

I’ve met her 2 years ago. It was a perfect storm.
It didn’t last long (1 month) and as my therapist said „she run away from me because of emotions and that she definitely fell in love too quickly.

Why she is BPD? on the third meeting she said, that she is adult children of alcoholic - in the internet AAC is comparing to BPD.
She said that I am to good for her, perfect, that she was waiting for me her whole life, that every man in her life left her for some reason and she can’t imagine what it would be if I left her. - yep, big bomb on me on the second date - the next day she said, she didn’t feel anything and some other girl will be the lucky one for me ( i don't want to say how amazing it Was in the beginning )

And then something starts.
No contact with me, no text, everything is gone even a friendship.
I didn’t took it very well so I went to the best shrink in town so he could help me understand WTF is going on… and everything starts to be bright. she runaway, she have a new replacement ( really ugly guy divorced with 2 kids

We don’t have each other on the Facebook friend list but I’ve noticed strange patterns between my actions on Facebook and hers.

After couple of months she started to change profile pictures while i was changing mine.
Her profile was very public and she start to show how happy her life is - its a lie - she is not happy, she's working 12hr a day, and have a cat... I’ve decide in september 2016 to close my public posts and she did the same. Then I deleted my Facebook account, and return in february - i thought it was a good idea but…She must noticed that I have a new account, and I August 2017 my public posts were disabled and only my friend list can see what I’am posting. My dear friend call me 1 day later and said „man... she did it again”, after 3 month I’ve changed my Facebook photo - she did the same even that she didn't post anything before for 1,5 months.

Can You please tell me what is she doing? My therapist said that this is some way of communicate and it’s not coincidence. I don’t want to be with her but its scare the  out of me - she wont look at me, say hi or anything but she is still stalking my Facebook page - or am i wrong maybe?

Thanks

G.

[joeramabeme]

Hi GrandStory

Welcome to BPD Family. 

Not sure I fully understood all of your post but sounds like you are asking whether or not you are being stalked on FB?  I don't know for sure, but it would not be surprising.  Assuming that you are correct, I would think that she is full of shame; BPD is a shame based disorder.  The shame may be driving her to stay away from contacting you but her desire to be loved and wanted keeps her looking at you as a "safe memory" encapsulating what she desires but feels she cannot attain.

Have you read any of the literature on this site about how to detach from a pwBPD?

[grandstory]

Hi  joeramabeme.

Thanks for reply.
I am also asking what does it mean - this facebook game. Why she is responding still after 2 years to my actions? I have no clue about this... .at all. What does it mean, what is she saying? "I am still here"?

It seems like she cant be with me for some reason (BPD) and yet doesn;t want to let me go.

[joeramabeme]

It could be that she still loves you and is unable to let go of an idealized perception she has of you.  Remember, this would be encased in fear and that fear may prevent her from reaching out to you directly.  Like I said earlier an encapsulated memory of something that is safer to fantasize about than to actually reach out to.

Make sense?

[grandstory]

Hi,

thanks for everything.
so this could be "infantile" way of sayin that she's still into me?

I wonder how works her new relation with a replacement if she's is still into me.
To you think she will come back, or just stay with safe fantasy of me till the end?

She is aware that shes sick but I doubt she is seeing any teraphist... .
She said that she will be on her own all her life, - is there anything I can do to help her?
My teraphist said that I should contact her in anyway becouse It will scare her and make her "hide" even more.

[Pretty Woman]

It sounds like you are not ready to detach, correct me if I am wrong.

Don't try to figure out why she is doing anything. You are no longer together. I think it's normal to look at ex's FB pages... .not incessantly but people do it all the time, just to see what someone has been up to.

This doesn't mean she is still in love with you. BPD is an attachment disorder. She could be looking to sooth her guilt or just to have some sort of odd attachment even though she isn't directly reaching out to you.

Grandstory, what do YOU want for yourself? Do you want her back?

[grandstory]

Hi,

Of course it's ok to look on some EX's facebook account but do You think it's normal to react on many actions?
I change this, she change this - I disable public posts she disable public posts. ( twice ! and the second time was almoast 2 years later ) If she doesnt love me and don't give a damn about me - why is she doing this?

Please tell me if I am wrong but its not "normal" and its not "just looking on some EX's facebook"

Maybe She isn't in love maybe she - who knows?
I'm tryin to figure out what is going on thats why i post my story here - hope I didnt offend anyone... .

G.

[Pretty Woman]

Grandstory, you are looking for an answer none of us can give you. We cannot rationalize why she does what she does. She is disordered.

The question is, why is this affecting you? You are no longer together.

Instead of trying to figure out WHY she does what she does how about take a deeper look at why you still care.

 

I am not trying to be mean. I want you to take a deeper look at your actions. Why are you watching what she is doing? You are still very connected. You can't fix her or change her actions... .but you can change your own.

 

[grandstory]

Pretty Woman,

I know that anyone can't give me answers.
I was hoping for some clue that could light up this dark unknown area.

I know the simplier and healthier way is to focus on me.

Maybe I am the man who can't close his eyes and pretend that this is not "happening".
Its happening, and all i want to know is "WHY?"

Okay, probably You're right.
I am not going to be with her... .My actions are very simple - live my life, and I'am doing that ... but If You were me You really woudn't wonder?

I think she is still connected to me, maybe I am too.

Okay, thanks for all Your time and thoughts.

G.

[joeramabeme]

so this could be "infantile" way of sayin that she's still into me?

. . . is there anything I can do to help her?

My teraphist said that I should contact her in anyway becouse It will scare her and make her "hide" even more.

Hi Again -

it could be "infanitile" responses.  Remember that pwBPD are emotionally immature, they lack a center/core.  She could be simply mirroring your behaviors because she doesn't have a way to navigate her own feelings post-breakup. 

Sadly, there is little that you can do to "help her".  Like any help you provide to someone, they must be desire to be helped and willing to receive it; it sounds like neither of these are present.  Further, even if those 2 criteria were met, she would be unable to receive help from the same person that "triggers" her disorder.  Remember this is a disorder of emotional attachment - you are the present source or trigger for her.  As your T pointed out; you will trigger her by reaching out and she will respond byhiding or some other behavior.

Pretty Woman was asking about your willingness to detach, it is a valid question to ask yourself.  It is a process that can include reading, understanding and accepting that our exes are likely impacted by a serious emotional disorder.  Most pwBPD do not come to an awareness of their disorder and there is no magic bullet or awareness that we can bring to them that will result in an avalanching AHA type moment.  Therefore, at some point, all of us begin the painful process of detaching. 

Not sure how far you are into the process of detachment?  On the right margin of this page are some indicators that help us to measure our progress.

[Julia S]

I recently mentioned to a friend that a BPD friend not in contact seemed to sometimes copy my facebook posting. My best guess is that they're mirroring/copying not to get your attention but because they recognise that you are emotionally and socially healthy, so, knowing they're not, they're copying what you do.

And yes, it probably is a safe distance to fantasise about you from. I know a NPD person who idolises his exes, and sometimes other people who are unattainable. But I bet he didn't treat them well when they were together.

I went through the thing of being sure a pwBPD still cared about me. But then I realised that wasn't the point. That caring was not a normal emotional adult caring. And they would be unable to have a normal adult relationship. Sadly, even if they do love you in their own way, that isn't enough.

It is very difficult to accept that someone has a disorder like this. It is very sad. Part of the disorder is also putting the responsibility onto you, so you constantly feel there's something you could or should be doing to help. And it's difficult to accept that you probably can't. 

[grandstory]

Hi Julia,

I was thinking that it's all about getting some kind of attention.
In my head it's something like sayin things "under the table" while she can't face it in the real world.

I was told that BPD/NPD have a "monster" / "disorder" near them and the monster is awake or asleep.
It's like when something real is happeninig like love, emotions this monster/disroder is awake and say things like " You don't deserve him, he will leave you, don't go there, you're not worth him and they runaway. I was also told that's why BPD can only be with someone who doesn;t matter / replacments partners that are only an ilusion/projcetion of real partner - people that don't influance BPD are safe, monster/disroder is asleep and it's safe and they can pretend to live again - thats why they treat their partners the way they treat.

But this is just some things BPD people told me.

One time girl with BPD told me - "I had a boyfriend for couple of years, and I didn't care, I didn't love, I was only using him as a tool, and You probably asking why I was with some ___ty,ugly, boyfriend? Coz It's a new kind of boyfriend " ___ty is better than no one"

G.