Introduction.

[AlanW55]

Hello.  I have two sisters that I believe have BPD traits.  We are middle aged, our father passed away earlier this year, and one of my sisters is really going off the rails with self-harm, constant crises, and chronic and impenetrable suffering.  We have no extended family and she has no one else in her life so she is coming to me almost daily with her pain and life crises.  It's been an issue for the last 20 years or so, but she's getting worse and worse this year, and I am dealing with my own issues around the loss of my father.  And I'm trying to keep my relationship with my significant other, maintain a fairly demanding job, and deal with the settling of my father's estate matters.  I am torn with my sister between (i) viewing her as disabled and completely incapable of helping herself; and (ii) insisting on accountability so that she learns to help herself.  It's getting incredibly difficult as she constantly threatens self-harm, insists that she's helpless and therefore that I must help her, and then blames me for everything that's wrong with her life.  I will of course never give up on her, but it's just getting more and more painful so I was looking for support and found this site.  I haven't seen any of the other posts yet; this is my intro.  Thanks.

AlanW55

[drained1996]

Hello AllanW55 and welcome to the family.  Sorry to hear about the loss of  your father, and the situation with your sister.  It can be very mentally, emotionally and physically draining dealing with anyone who has traits of BPD.  You've found the right place for educating yourself, and getting support and understanding from members here. 
An important thing I like to share that I learned in my own process is that we cannot change them (that's up to them), but we can change how we react and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some lessons and a guide which can be useful in your journey.  The tools in the bar at the top of the page will also guide you in communicating and setting boundaries.  Using these techniques, combined with an understanding of the illness itself has proven very helpful for many as they continue and improve their relationships with the BPD in their life. 
Do you think your sister is open to seeking a therapist?  Have you thought of seeing one yourself?  Having a professional help guide you has been of tremendous to me in my journey. 
We look forward to hearing more... .you found the right place.   

[AlanW55]

Hello drained1996 and thank you for the welcome.  That is good advice about accepting that we cannot change them but we can change how we react and communicate.  That's what I've been working on lately, actually.  I will take a look at the resources here.  My sister says she is open to seeing a therapist, and she has seen one in the past, but she invariably decides it doesn't work for her, stops going to the therapist, and then the cycle starts again.  She is currently living out of the state so she has no family help nearby.  One of my main points of emphasis is trying to get her to build a proper support network with a therapist at least once a week, perhaps a support group or two, etc.  It seems that no many how many resources I find for her, she finds an excuse not to use them.  It's very frustrating for me, but she is really suffering deeply, so it's just this painful bind where nothing changes.  I myself have been seeing a therapist regularly for years.  My mother also has mental health issues, and I have been her guardian for eight years.  I have also been seeing a grief counselor since my father's death.  He had Alzheimer's/dementia and cancer and my other sister (who is diagnosed with bipolar but also has BPD traits) moved in with him, confused him into giving her assets, tried to turn him against me, etc., so I'd been building up my support network for a while. I have a solid support network, but recently the chronic crises and crying/raging -- all tinged with the constant threat of self-harm -- made me want to find some support that I can turn to anytime, which is how I found this website.  Just reviewing the posts makes me feel less alone, and my heart goes out to everyone as I feel I understand the pain, frustration, anger, heartbreak, helplessness.  It's just a very difficult and painful situation.  I'm glad to find a place with understanding and with some guidance/resources.

[drained1996]

AlanW55, you've definitely been dealing with a lot!  It's great that you have a good support network around you, but like you said, it's nice to know you are not alone.  Also our friends, and even significant others cannot fully understand what it's like to be in our shoes when it comes to a relationship with a BPD.  That's what makes this place such a great support for so many.  Here we find education materials, lessons, guides... .but most of all empathy and understanding from each other.  
As a personal observation, it seems from what you have shared that you have and are doing as much as you can for your sister.  I know you know, but ultimately any progress she makes is going to be up to her putting in the effort.  Boundaries are for us to self protect, communicated well and observed, they can also serve as lessons to the BPD in our lives.  BPD's are by nature of the illness boundary busters, and the more we allow them that power, the less we are actually protecting ourselves and are enabling them.  This link may be of help https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm.  
Keep posting!  We are here!  

[AlanW55]

Thank you.  That link was indeed helpful.  Glad to have found this site. 

[drained1996]

  plenty more helpful things you will find here!  Keep us posted, and feel free to share or ask anything.  We know how difficult and draining this whole process is and the effects it has on our lives.