Does a BPD ever think of the consequences?

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

Here is a question that has plagued and confused me for a long time. My ex with BPD would often do or say things that normal people just wouldn't because the are wrong, inappropriate, hurtful, or make them look bad. She said and did things with no thought of the consequences of her actions. Let's just take my most recent example of this. We had been together for two years now, we had broken 3 times now 4. We were finally at the point where I was living with her and her kids she has part time custody of. We were planning on moving to a house in January because we could afford to do so with both our incomes. There was talk of having baby getting a puppy, looking at places, saving money for vacations, all of that. She by herself does not make much money she can barely afford her apartment which has to be two bedroom for her kids. Once bills are paid she generally has no extra cash. Also, she doesn't make enough money to even live there, her ex husbands name is still on the lease but that runs out in January as well. So it looks like she's in a bind. She has no close friends really, to live with and most people she knows aren't going to live with her and two kids and they are mostly older and married with their own family so they aren't going to love with 3 more people. So here logically is a huge issue, and yet she did what set did and we broke up when us living together would have literally saved her on so many of these things.

That's one example. Another I had been with her and known her kids for two years, and loved with them for the last 4 months. Slept in the same bed with my ex while they were there. And now we broke up over her stupidity and inability to be normal or have integrity. Now another man has been ripped out of her kids lives after all that. It seems like she didn't even think about how that would affect them?

Number 3, the triggering action for our break was she was messaging and talking ___ about me to her boss, whom she hooked up with during our last break up, as I found out when I confronted her, also her boss lives with his girlfriend. So most logical people would tend to realize nothing with them would work out because, he has a girlfriend, they work together, they don't even know each other, people sugar coat themselves at work you don't really know anyone until you are with them for some time. So there is all of that and she still didn't thing about any of these consequences!

And I am by far a pretty good boyfriend. I have a good job, I'm tall, athletic, good looking, nice, giving, I drove her for over two months everywhere when her car died. I watched her kids and played with them and helped them with homework. I bought most every meal, and paid for everything we did. I understood her and tried to make our relationship work even with all her flaws and faults. And yet we broke up she lost that, she lost having a house, she lost having a man and someone good for her kids, she lost extra money, she lost having stability for her kids, over something that will never work out in a billion years, and that's not even taking into account her personality disorder, which definitely will tank everything.

So how is it possible these BPD people can do things all the time and never think of the consequence never have the though that something is wrong and they shouldn't do it because it could ruin their lives? I just don't understand.

[Duped 1]

I don't think mine ever did. She would get mad and badmouth me to her family and only tell her side of the story like she was some poor innocent victim, which couldn't be further from the truth. Her family no longer supported us being together and was a major reason for the breakup as she wanted to try again but had dug too big of a hole w her family

[amsheehy]

I've been struggling with trying to understand all this for quite a while and have been having extensive conversations with my pwBPD about it.  It seems to go well beyond just typical impulsive behavior and is horrendously repetitive. 

She can be in a situation and go through her usual and horrible behavior without even thinking twice about it and see nothing wrong with it.  If I sit down with her later and go over things she can see what she did was wrong and claims to understand things better.  However, the EXACT same situation can come up a day later and she'll do the exact same things.  It seems like an anxiety response and she seems to only be looking at the CURRENT variables and cannot fathom anything outside of that, including future results. 

We can then sit down yet again and go over her behavior and she can see how it's wrong, but nothing ever seems to sink in or get internalized.  She honestly doesn't seem to be patronizing me by agreeing on her bad behavior, but just cannot for the life of her retain the notion of the consequences.  Our talks cause a lot of shame, which I believe just gets repressed and tucked away in some corner of her brain.  It's a truly never ending cycle.

[Claycrusher]

Does a BPD ever think of the consequences?

Mine didn't.  She doesn't, post-divorce.  Without professional help to assist her in managing her disorder, I doubt she ever will.

I could cite an endless stream of examples, but they all speak to the same things: a lack of impulse control, lack of empathy, and lack of respect for commonly accepted societal and cultural boundaries, all with seeming disregard for consequences.

Emotionally, my exBPDw was and is a toddler in a woman's body.  She thought and thinks about consequence of actions in much the same way a three-year old child does. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Essentially, no they don't think of the consequences. They aren't capable of seeing things that far ahead. Often times, people think that their pwBPD sat out to do them harm. While there are crummy people out there with BPD (and without), most of them don't intentionally set out to harm their partner. That doesn't stop it from happening, of course.

My ex, who is diagnosed BPD, never thought (or thinks) about the long term consequences of her actions. She once said to me that no one ever made her do anything she didn't want to. I believe that. She made decisions based on how she felt in that moment. What happened after that, the fallout of that decision, wasn't ever a factor. She has/had no moral compass and literally everything was dependent on her mood.

I work with her and my replacement. So, I haven't been NC with her. Recently, she started pursuing me again. Even though she lives with my replacement and we all work together, she has told me (recently) that she still loves me and regrets leaving me. She even asked if we could sleep together again because she misses me and "that" with me. So, again, I see she's still living in the moment. 

For those wondering, as recent as yesterday she said she loved me... .as she was leaving work for AZ to spend a holiday weekend with my replacements family.

[JerryRG]

My ex tried to get me to rescue her from her current bf, he was abusing her. I told her that after she spread the rumor around about me raping her would she be surprised if I never be around her or alone with her again.

She seemed to think I was making way too much out of being accused a rapest. Consequences? I guess not, I'm just the father to her child.

I asked her if she ever loved me, she said she loves everyone. Funny kind of love. No, she cannot love, she only lives and survives in the shadow of others dependence on her. She's a BPD/npd and she knows exactly how to fish, hook, land, gut and devour her prey, then toss the leftovers into the garbage without any consequences.