BPD little sis strikes again

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm so upset and pissed off... .again!

The last I wrote BPD little sis had agreed to go to counseling with me, and I had some hope that maybe we could have SOME kind of relationship more than almost strangers. All seemed to be good up until today, when she wanted to come and spend time with my son and turned into the nasty, manipulative, totally disrespectful person I thought was maybe gone.

Dumb, I know. How many times do I have to go through this before I get it?

I'm trying to remember she's sick and disordered, so it just doesn't make sense now matter which way you spin it... .And trying not to take it personally. It's so hard.

[Charlie3236]

I'm so upset and pissed off... .again!

The last I wrote BPD little sis had agreed to go to counseling with me, and I had some hope that maybe we could have SOME kind of relationship more than almost strangers. All seemed to be good up until today, when she wanted to come and spend time with my son and turned into the nasty, manipulative, totally disrespectful person I thought was maybe gone.

Dumb, I know. How many times do I have to go through this before I get it?

I'm trying to remember she's sick and disordered, so it just doesn't make sense now matter which way you spin it... .And trying not to take it personally. It's so hard.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Please do not take it personally.  It's hard you think your helping, and it just blows up in your face.  I understand.  My ex would have rather die then to forgive, and love another person.  Aventually the ex did die,  try as much as you like to help your sis, just remember they have an illness.  They feel very diffierect from us.

[Charlie3236]

Thank you Asgoodasitgets! It's so difficult to have all your best efforts and best intentions blow up your face every time. I feel like with this site I'm only just starting to get a grasp on the reality of the situation, and that it probably won't ever get any better

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Charlie3236:
Darn, I had drafted a reply to you earlier, but a power failure occurred in my neighborhood before I could post it (my old computer needs a new battery).   I'll try and recreate it.

I'm so sorry about your sister's behavior, during her recent visit. That had to be very unpleasant for both you and your son. How did you handle the situation - did you ask her to leave?

I think we all want to think that bad behavior can be "fixed", never to repeat again.  I'm thinking in most cases, the best we can hope for is to minimize the number of episodes and degree of dysregulation.  I think it isn't a matter of "If" an unpleasant episode will occur at some point in the future, it's a matter of "when". 

All seemed to be good up until today, when she wanted to come and spend time with my son and turned into the nasty, manipulative, totally disrespectful person I thought was maybe gone.

I'm trying to remember she's sick and disordered, so it just doesn't make sense no matter which way you spin it... .And trying not to take it personally. It's so hard.

Is your sister trying any meds?  With some people, it can help with leveling out their moods.  Are you still in counseling with your sister?  Is it possible to have another therapy session together, where you can discuss the visit?  If your sister can't participate in a meaningful discussion, the only thing you can do is to set boundaries about any future visits and have a plan in place to terminate a visit abruptly.  Maybe, future visits need to occur in a public place, if that could possibly help ward off bad behavior.

It has to be hard to not take the things your sister says personally.  We all want a sister with whom we can mutually validate and support each other.  It is so much easier to undertand how a stranger can be nasty to us, but not how a relative can treat strangers better than relatives.  The logic is that people with BPD save up their bad emotions and tend to dump them where they feel most comfortable and safe. 

I think when we can't have the normal sibling we want, it can be a bit of a grieving process.  It can sometime be more difficult to not know what behavior you will encounter, especially when you have had some good experiences with your sister.

[Charlie3236]

Hey Naughty Nibbler! It's SUCH a huge grieving process... .I feel like the sister I had good experiences with is now completely gone. Most of our encounters are bad, and I constantly feel like I have to explain my actions... .Which of course goes nowhere. She so disordered. I thought she was on meds and it was getting better, but then after yet another random aggressive encounter I'm wondering if maybe not. It's so sad because I'm at my wits end, and I really don't like this person who used to be my best friend and such a sweet girl. It's heartbreaking!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Charlie3236:

It's so sad because I'm at my wits end, and I really don't like this person who used to be my best friend and such a sweet girl. It's heartbreaking!

I can relate.  It's hard to like someone, when they are mean and hateful towards you.  Is your sister under some extra stress right now?  Certain life stresses can prompt disordered behavior.  Also, if she stopped taking medication, that could explain the turn in behavior.  Could that be something that you discuss in a therapy session?  Perhaps you could have a side discussion with the therapist and let her broach the subject? 

Perhaps it could be helpful to have a few strategies ready, for when she behaves in a disordered way?

BIFF RESPONSE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

This article could be helpful.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all

[Coral]

Through years of therapy, the single best piece of advice my psychologist gave me was "As long as you have any contact with your sister, it's not 'if", it's when she'll "get you."  Once I finally accepted this at the gut level, life became far more tolerable.  If you're dancing in the cage with a cobra, expect to get bitten."

[Charlie3236]

Thanks so much for that nugget Coral... .I believe you are exactly right. Such a strange and sad disorder. I'm sure it's worse for them. But still... .

[Janneke]

Hi Charlie. I am also a sibling of a BPD sufferer. I don't have a lot to offer but would like to validate your feelings that it can be really frustrating to be in a family with a BPD sufferer.
Janneke