Struggles w/ daughter, age 16

[Moana]

Hi,

I am new to the boards and I am desperate for help and information. We have been struggling with our now 16 year old daughter for as long as I can remember.  My arsenal of parenting books in the early years included The Explosive Child, Raising Your Spirited Child and any other book I could find along those lines. 

She has always been challenging and has been in and out of therapy and on a variety of medications since she was in 2nd grade.  We have occasionally seen short term improvements but then things seem to get worse than ever.  Now that the teenage years are in full swing I feel like I am living in a nightmare.

Diagnoses have included anxiety, depression, ADHD, ODD and most recently unspecified mood disorder.  We highly suspect BPD and so does her therapist and psychologist but they have been hesitant to make the diagnosis based on her age.

We have been through so many therapists over the years that she has lost all trust in them, and I am starting to as well.  Everyone seems to either leave, stop taking our insurance or isn't a good fit, it is so frustrating. My daughter isn't very open to therapy and if she talks to them at all she mainly just BS's them. Tells them she is good and everything is fine, she often has them convinced that nothing is wrong until I meet with them and give them a completely different picture.

I could go on and on but will stop for now and would appreciate any advice on where to go from here.  Thanks for reading.

I am terrified that she will be turning 18 in less than a year and a half because I feel like if we can't help her by then that she will be gone and we will have no control.  She has been talking about moving out on her 18th birthday for as long as I can remember.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Moana,

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

Anxiety, depression, ADHD, ODD on their own are a lot. The mood disorder must make it all seem so challenging

Have you read BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre? He has some good things to say about making the diagnosis during the teen years. There are also some youtube videos featuring him speaking on the topic of teens and BPD that might help.

Have any of the therapists treating your daughter done DBT with her (dialectical behavior therapy)?

What are some examples of the challenges you deal with? Maybe we can look at something specific with you, and share what we've learned.

You're not alone, and there are many people here to walk with you on this hard path.  

LnL

[Loely]

Hi, I just read your post and it's as if I could have written the same thing 2 years ago.  I just want you to know that you are not alone and that you are doing the best you can.  I am slowly learning that I cannot change my daughter, she has to want to change and accept that she can build a life that is worth living.  It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love self-destruct.  My daughter turned 18 in Aug. and we basically kicked her out last week because she will not help herself yet continues to threaten suicide and hurt herself.  I feel horrible but my husband and I are in self-preservation mode right now.  We are going to seek out a therapist for ourselves to talk to.  Maybe you could do the same?  Take care of yourself first. 

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Moana,
We were in the same boat in February. Our D16 had repeat hospitalizations, PHP, IOP, in home therapists, therapeutic high school and we were still in crisis cycle.  

We too felt like the clock was ticking and our window of opportunity was narrowing as she'll be 17 in Jan.  Though it pained us terribly, we were faced with the terribly difficult decision to seek the assistance of a residential program.  As difficult as the decision was, it was the best one for our family.  Things can improve as they have for us.  She completed the 9 month program and has begun reintegrating with life at home for the last two months on Wednesday (yes, I'm counting!)

I'm not saying she needs residential placement, there are lots of options, you are doing the right thing by reaching out and exploring all of your options before her 18th.

[ParentofBPDteen]

Moana, I have no wisdom to offer, just wanted to say that what you wrote sounds like it could be my own words. I have a 16 year old daughter newly diagnosed with BPD, and I am so scared for our future. She is on a waiting list (11 - 15 months long) for residential treatment and sees a good therapist weekly, but our money is running out and I just don't know what we'll do.

I'm glad to have found a group of other parents experiencing similar things - looking forward to supporting one another.