Update - Still detaching

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just an update: I never replied to her text on Thursday. I just kept putting it off until I finally decided there was no need. My best friend flat out told me to ignore her, that there was far too much drama and to move on.

Easier said than done. I spent Saturday feeling sorry for myself, wondering where it all went wrong, how she could go from "You're my best friend. I've searched my whole life for you" to "Sorry I checked out. Thanks for everything" (followed a few days later with threats to call the police and how happy she was to break up with me).

Sunday I decided that I cannot control her feelings or the situation. But I can control my happiness. I can control if this is going to make me depressed. It was a little empowering.

Been off and on a dating site all week. I just can't bring myself to make my profile active. That was my typical way of dealing with a break-up: start dating again.  I just dont have the energy right now and want to use this time to myself: healing, thinking about who I am and who I want to be.

Before I met her, I was getting to a point where I was happy with myself. I was physically active/fit, working on my creative side, practicing mindfulness, almost quit smoking. Then I met her, and everything got flushed down the toilet.

Even now, I'm waiting for her to send a nasty text about not replying. I was conditioned over 3.5 months and I'm trying to take that power from her.

I see my counselor finally tomorrow. A month ago, she told me to break up with her. I didn't.

On a positive note: I worked out all weekend, put up a Christmas tree, spent time with my friends. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, there have been a few times that I realized that I havent thought about her for a few seconds. I just want this to pass. Quick. But I know it's creating growth.

[Recovering480]

Just an update: I never replied to her text on Thursday. I just kept putting it off until I finally decided there was no need. My best friend flat out told me to ignore her, that there was far too much drama and to move on.

Easier said than done. I spent Saturday feeling sorry for myself, wondering where it all went wrong, how she could go from "You're my best friend. I've searched my whole life for you" to "Sorry I checked out. Thanks for everything" (followed a few days later with threats to call the police and how happy she was to break up with me).

Sunday I decided that I cannot control her feelings or the situation. But I can control my happiness. I can control if this is going to make me depressed. It was a little empowering.

Been off and on a dating site all week. I just can't bring myself to make my profile active. That was my typical way of dealing with a break-up: start dating again.  I just dont have the energy right now and want to use this time to myself: healing, thinking about who I am and who I want to be.

Before I met her, I was getting to a point where I was happy with myself. I was physically active/fit, working on my creative side, practicing mindfulness, almost quit smoking. Then I met her, and everything got flushed down the toilet.

Even now, I'm waiting for her to send a nasty text about not replying. I was conditioned over 3.5 months and I'm trying to take that power from her.

I see my counselor finally tomorrow. A month ago, she told me to break up with her. I didn't.

On a positive note: I worked out all weekend, put up a Christmas tree, spent time with my friends. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, there have been a few times that I realized that I havent thought about her for a few seconds. I just want this to pass. Quick. But I know it's creating growth.

[gotbushels]

Hi Recovering480 

Good update.    Thank you for sharing.

Easier said than done. I spent Saturday feeling sorry for myself, wondering where it all went wrong, how she could go from "You're my best friend. I've searched my whole life for you" to "Sorry I checked out. Thanks for everything" (followed a few days later with threats to call the police and how happy she was to break up with me).

You're not alone on this one. I've been here too. Going through the decision to stop contact is difficult. It's easy to feel sorry for ourselves during this time too. Regarding her giving you a super-value text to a bye-I'm-hopeless-but-yet-please-reply-me text--I get that and I got plenty of it.

I'm glad you can see the value in putting off replies. When we accept that some things stress us and not jump to our reactions, the time often gives us clarity to make decisions that work better for us. I see that in your decision to put off communicating with her.

I admire your path of acknowledging that you used to use dating as a way of dealing with a breakup. Many people do so. I respect your intent to use the time to explore healing and your sense of self. I don't think it's an easy decision. It's part of what many of us believe is our job in life and a relationship--to know oneself first.

I like where you seem to be going with this. Know that you can find support here in the ups and downs, of which it's fair to expect both. 

[Recovering480]

Thank you for your kind words and support.  This forum has been so helpful.  I find at times that I just dont want to talk about it anymore because it brings up so much. But, at the same time, these feelings serve to remind me how unhealthy it was.

Every one of my friends says the same thing. My counselor too. Yet, that doesn't stop me from missing her or loving her.

Ugh... .I said it. I'm trying to not love her anymore.

[Recovering480]

Another update (need guidance):

She just texted me. I had a feeling she would today.

She apologized for her behavior, she knows it was hurtful and inappropriate. That she hoped one day we could move past it and be friends.

What got me was the part where she said "I did love you. I just didnt know how to love you." Then a bunch of stuff that I was a special person and thanking me for coming into her life. It was like a sense of closure on HER end. Not mine. She needed to apologize, she wants acknowledgment that it is accepted.

I want to reply and ask her how could go from saying the things she said about how much she loved me just WEEKS ago to this callous and reckless treatment. I want to tell her that I will reply, but I needed space and time right now. I didnt drop off her stuff when she was gone, not because I was purposefully being a bad guy but because I was hurt and needed space from her house. I also worry that she'll get mad if I dont respond quick enough.

What bugs me is that I was shaking when I got the text. I went outside for a smoke. This is the behavior I was doing when we were together. I hate the hold she has on me and I hate how it disrupts my work day.

I want to reply. I dont want to reply.

[Hisaccount]

I turned to the dating sites as well. Same thing, Like I want to know I will be okay.
It is often depressing in itself, I look at who I can actually get to interact with me and all I can think is I had so much better.

truth is I didn't have better. I never had her, she had me when she wanted me.
I do the same things, beat myself up, feel sorry for myself. That is normal.
I met this girl, (that's how it starts right?)
Not my type, I was just desperate for someone normalish, someone that didn't need to be saved, someone not addicted to something or severe medical issues. LOL That is dating now, the least worst.
I met her, we hit is off and she is not my type at all, but you know I feel human again. She made the hurting stop. She got my mind off myself. It worked for a few days, I went and got a tune up from her yesterday.
Funniest part is, we are not having sex and that was always my go to before. I just can't stop thinking about her. She is a pleasant distraction.
Worst part is with the holidays coming, there is no telling when I will see her again.

So I say hit the dating site. It made me stop and start to think about what I want out of the rest of my life. I actually felt like I was going to be okay for once. Because all I am doing is maintaining what I have, I have not been moving on. I started to think about the future and trying something new.

I tried to explain that to my ex, that once I fall out of love with you, there is no going back. I will be free and it will never be the same.
Maybe I will still care, but I don't want to.

Once we get done with the asset division I am going to desperately try to go no contact.
Mine does the same thing, I want to be friends crap. Really? Do you want a friend that gave up on you?
What about the future, do you think the next gal you date will be okay with you being friends with your ex?

My heart stops when I see an email, or text or phone call with her name. I get it.

Let it go, don't respond today.

[Recovering480]

I buckled and replied. I said that the hardest part about this was how she would say one thing one day, then act so recklessly the next. I thanked her for her apology and hoped she eventually made peace with her ex (who she claims is causing her behavior).

She did reply and said that we never had enough sober conversations and fell off the page and never got back on again. And hoped we could be friends one day so she could talk about it (not anytime soon she said).

I'm ok. She's blaming the booze. There were countless times when I was home and she was texting, probably drunk, about her feelings for me. Yes, we had lots of nights where we'd be drinking and talking about our feelings. Still. I don't care how drunk one is, a thoughtful/mindful person doesn't lie about their feelings. And she's blaming her ex.

I just hate how this makes me feel. A part of me feels responsible. Another part of me is upset about how she's talking to me. Another part hurts because she said she "loved" me. It doesnt make sense. None of it. I feel like I do so well for a few days, wake up feeling up somewhat positive, and then this happens.

[gotbushels]

It's alright Recovering480. Many of us have gone through that text dance.

What got me [... .] It was like a sense of closure on HER end. Not mine. She needed to apologize, she wants acknowledgment that it is accepted.
[... .]
I want to reply and ask her how (she) could go from saying the things she said about how much she loved me just WEEKS ago to this callous and reckless treatment.

I think you're feeling indignant here?

I want to tell her that I will reply, but I needed space and time right now.

I think this is a good idea. Often, we don't have time to think through situations when we are too often physically together with the pwBPD. I suggest that sometimes, you aren't required to ask for space and time.

I also worry that she'll get mad if I dont respond quick enough.

Tantrums were the go-to reaction for my own ex. You're definitely not alone with the worrying. I hope you can see that she may be trapping you into behaviours because of the possible history of tantrums you've had with her.

What bugs me is that I was shaking when I got the text. [... .] This is the behavior I was doing when we were together. [... .]I hate how it disrupts my work day.

I understand this. I've reacted in a similar way, I felt compelled to perform the habits that were a part of the relationship. I also disliked the way such feelings of anxiety disrupted my life.

I hate the hold she has on me

Consider that shame and anger from being controlled can also be your choice.

I want to reply. I dont want to reply.

I'm here to help. This is an especially normal response.  But now, what can you do to help your decision the next time something like this happens?