bfwBPD and his "panic attacks" when cornered- actually tantrums?

[cbm419]

Anyone else deal with very suspicious panic attacks from their BPD?

Mine has this pattern where if he is ever cornered, or i don't "give in" to his demands (usually that involves apologizing for some perceived slight, admitting my opinion of XYZ is wrong or inferior to his) he will lose it and have dramatic "panic" attacks.

I have clinical anxiety.  I know what a panic attack is. What he seems to have is not that but an extreme tantrum.  I say this because these panic attacks only seem to follow me putting my foot down on something, not validating something etc.  I've never seen him have one randomly (like i sometimes get from my anxiety) and they are miraculosly cured, almost instantaneously, if i take back whatever is currently offending him.

Its gotten so over the top.  It's like his last resort... .if I'm taking a stand on a boundary or anything, suddenly he will wail/yell/scream.  Curl up into a ball in the corner of the room.  His voice even becomes more childlike, fragile and he will start hyperventilating. I dont mean to sound cruel... .they just feel like such an act!  once one takes off, I'm expected to drop everything and soothe his panic.  The few times i have refused to engage, he flips from the panic to anger- "how could i care so little" stuff.  THat really isnt what a panic attack is like.  Its so manipulative!

anybody else ever deal with this extreme acting out? I am at my wits end with it all.  Its his fail-safe method of control when nothing else works.

I HATE IT!

[flourdust]

I've seen something similar in my stbxw. Attacks of "pain," "vertigo," "anxiety," "agitation." And, yes, they turned into rage at me if my response was in any way less than instant and perfectly deferential.

Eventually, they became so over-the-top that I had to bite back laughter when she was wailing and thrashing around.

[formflier]

 
The key here is they are "fixed" when you give in.  MANIPULATION.

Can you give some details to a recent example.  What each of you said that led up until he had his attack.

The goal is to change things earlier and stop "giving in".

FF

[Aboutme2011]

When BPDH and I first got married, he would hug the toilet and try/pretend to vomit.  He did a lot of other attention seeking things but I had worked with kids a lot and did not ever give attention for negative behavior.  Over time that stuff stopped.  I believe my H is also a psychopath - recently I read that a psychopath can not experience anxiety.  There is a whole explanation for that but I don't remember it, it made sense though and my H has never showed any anxiety or had a panic attack.  I am thinking that for the rest of my life before I date a man I will ask if he has ever experienced anxiety. 

I am sure that all the ridiculous behavior he exhibited was his version of a temper tantrum.

[cbm419]

The key here is they are "fixed" when you give in.  MANIPULATION.

Can you give some details to a recent example.  What each of you said that led up until he had his attack.

The goal is to change things earlier and stop "giving in".

FF

most recently we were fighting over his issues with sexual compulsivity and cheating.  he claims he had such a screwed up development sex-wise that sometimes he cant help what he does. When he was younger sex replaced self harm as a coping mechanism, and he slept with over 100 people of all ages by the time he was 18.

I've always accepted that his development was maladaptive, but my usual position is "it may not be your fault you recieved this problem, but now that you have it, your the only one who can fix it"

he expects me to just accept it because theres a psychological basis for his unfaithful ways.  The last time this came up i got pretty hard on him and was insisting that he sees things from my viewpoint - that im hurt, betrayed and in these moments dont give a flying F about his past. i made a few mean comments pertaining to specifics of who he had cheated on me with, and he lost it.

In his mind, its "not fair" for me to say anything that could be offending when it comes to this topic.  I have to be understanding and accepting.  Yea, i sure try that.  but I'm human and get mad too.

During this fight I was mad at him for not getting tested after a month or two where he's made his "mistakes."  I made a couple underhanded comments and he reacted with anger, saying "i f-ing hope i gave you HIV."

Wow.  I left the building and when he texted me saying i was being ridiculous, i blocked him (and told him i was blocking him).  15 mins later his mother is calling me saying he's freaking out and shes mad at me for instigating a panic attack.  I go back and hes throwing ___ around, screaming and yelling... .when i said i'm sorry, but you can't say "i hope i gave you HIV" - he insisted that was okay because i hurt his feelings.  He said I am a monster for inciting a panic attack.  When i point out the double standard that he's allowed to say awful things when the mood strikes him, he just kept wailing on and on.

this is a pattern that often accompanies me taking a stand and "staying" hurt over his extensive wrongdoin.  Honestly, it feels like a ploy to make me the bad guy, and it often works.  By the end of these moments I'm always groveling and apologizing just to end a massive scene.

its exhausting.

[formflier]

Are you ok with his cheating or not?  No judgment on my part about where you come down on this issue.

Do your words and actions match up on this subject when it comes to boundary enforcement?  What are your boundaries regarding his sex outside your r/s?

I ask this stuff, because answers may affect advice on how to better communicate.

FF

[cbm419]

Are you ok with his cheating or not?  No judgment on my part about where you come down on this issue.

Do your words and actions match up on this subject when it comes to boundary enforcement?  What are your boundaries regarding his sex outside your r/s?

I ask this stuff, because answers may affect advice on how to better communicate.

FF

I disapprove of the cheating. We do not have an open relationship. He knows this but is stuck on this idea of using sexual attention as a coping mechanism. And no, sex with me doesn't help. I think part of the complex is attention from someone new.

Every time he cheats he comes back to me like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. He is ashamed of himself and apologetic. However, once the dust settles and he gets triggered, the cycle starts anew. It's a dangerous risk taking behavior.

[formflier]

So... .is there a difference for you between disapprove and disallow?

Since you don't have an open relationship... .what action have you taken?

FF

[cbm419]

So... .is there a difference for you between disapprove and disallow?

Since you don't have an open relationship... .what action have you taken?

FF

the difference between disapprovong and disallow is that disallowing would probably entail "if you cheat I'm dumping you" (and then stick with that decision).

So far, when these things happen, we break up for a couple days or I give him that "one more chance" or its over.

Unfortunately, I can't count how many "one more chances" i've given at this point.

I do think I need to stop being silly and adhere to my values on this stuff, and break up.

[formflier]

I would take a couple days to think about it... .make sure that sexual fidelity really is important to you.

Can you see that your actions have told him otherwise?

Make sure you know the message you want to send and the actions that ho with that. 

FF

[FiveForFighting]

Its gotten so over the top.  It's like his last resort... .if I'm taking a stand on a boundary or anything, suddenly he will wail/yell/scream.  Curl up into a ball in the corner of the room.  His voice even becomes more childlike, fragile and he will start hyperventilating. I dont mean to sound cruel... .they just feel like such an act!  once one takes off, I'm expected to drop everything and soothe his panic.  The few times i have refused to engage, he flips from the panic to anger- "how could i care so little" stuff.  THat really isnt what a panic attack is like.  Its so manipulative!

anybody else ever deal with this extreme acting out? I am at my wits end with it all.  Its his fail-safe method of control when nothing else works.

I HATE IT!

I am so sorry for all that you're going through. I understand completely where you are. Just last night was one of the worst episodes that I ever remember with my uBPDw and we've been together for 20 years. I have had poor boundary management for years and I have recently (within 6 mos to 1 yr) began applying boundaries and attempting to stand my ground on some issues. All of her issues lie with me and my inability to show her I love her or give her attention or make time for her or how I never consider her. I wont JADE (new term I learned here today) regarding this but what I will say is that I work 2 jobs and while working my second job last night, she was extremely frantic because I wouldn't leave my job and come home. I informed her that I would be home at 1130 or so and we could talk then. Not acceptable. She blew up my phone and when I arrived home, all hell broke loose. She was screaming at me... how could I do this to her, how could I not care enough to come home, how could I choose my job over her... .crying violently and smacking herself in the legs, hyperventilating while pacing in and out of the room. All the while, shaming and condemning me. I think it certainly could've gotten worse but I tend to completely shut down during those episodes to keep the kids from witnessing that and to keep myself from getting into more trouble and to keep her safe. Its an extremely distressing situation and I know you understand what I am talking about. Know that there are so many here to help and to share and to listen.

[formflier]

I have had poor boundary management for years and I have recently (within 6 mos to 1 yr) began applying boundaries and attempting to stand my ground on some issues. All of her issues lie with me and my inability to show her I love her or give her attention or make time for her or how I never consider her.

Hey... .something for everyone to thinking about.

https://youtu.be/BQ4yd2W50No

With boundaries... .Yoda has it 100% correct.

In fact... .bpdfamily has learned the ways of the force as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Intermittent reinforcement is the technical thing you MUST avoid.  Honestly... .it is better to not try at all... .than to do boundaries and boundary enforcement wrong.

Luckily for me, when I was very new here... .several senior guys helped me learn that lesson.  Boundaries have been the number 1 tool for improving my quality of life and my relationship.

FF

[cbm419]

I did the break up last night.  I know a lot of us here are okay with managing their relationships through the tools this site has, the methods we teach each other.  I am just sick of it though.  We arent married, no kids, my family already hates him because they know about the physical abuse thats come from his blow ups.  Our relationship has been wildly dysfunctional almost the entire last year.

And at the end of the day- I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE NORMAL, i dont want to feel like im dating an exploding rubics cube. I dont want a lifetime of eggshells.  He has made me into a submissive person, afraid to have an opinion or take a stand.

Yesterday I caught him using a dating app for sex. twice. I twice said I dont approve and you need to stop.

He didnt listen, and at 230am in the middle of me texting and calling him, left his apartment to have a threesome. He literally turned off his phone so he didnt have to hear the notifications or be interuppted.

Im done with this guy. he has had way too many chances to make the right decisions, and has failed at nearly every turn.

[formflier]

I did the break up last night. 

What can we do here to help support you in your decision?

Is there any reason for you to have further contact with him?

   

What can you do to be kind to yourself... .extra kind.  You deserve it!  Hang in there.

FF

[cbm419]

What can we do here to help support you in your decision?

Is there any reason for you to have further contact with him?

   

What can you do to be kind to yourself... .extra kind.  You deserve it!  Hang in there.

FF

aw thanks FF for your support.  I'm going to have to remind myself of how toxic this relationship is.  he has spent the day professing his love to me, saying he can be a better BF (heard that a million times) and he will change.  Keeps reminding me of how perfect our intimacy is (the sex is out of this world great, thats for sure) and how perfect it feels to hold each other at night.

I know he's already been with 3 people since last night, going on a compulsive sexual spree.  He keeps saying that he is going to stop that and be the boyfriend i deserve, but I know its too late.  The damage is done, and no measure of change will undo the last year of complete dysfunctionality.

I know its too early to put myself out there (like he already has) but i am looking forward to greener pastures, and having hope about a better partner in my future.  Until then, I'm just going to a lot of AA meetrings (im a recovering alcoholic) and will be vigilant of the urges i feel to chemically soothe.  I have 3 months of perfect sobriety under my belt and i wont lose those over him .