I'm so confused, is any of this behaviour ok? Is it my fault?

[Synonym]

Hi All,

I'm a new member and new to understanding BPD and NPD. Sorry for the LONG post.

I'm still unsure of things that I think and feel. I've been wondering if anyone else has had the same trouble?

I've been in my marriage for 6 years. The first 5 I did everything I possibly could to make my partner happy. We met and dated for a year before getting married. Mostly over Skype as we were in different countries. I felt after hearing my husbands life story that everyone close to him had always let him down or left him and I wanted to be ther person to heal him.

I thought our marriage was good and that by making him happy I was doing the right thing. I slowly changed a lot of my opinions to match his. Or didn't talk about things that made him go into a bad or depressed mood. Things like past boyfriends. Once in our first year we had a discussion and I suggested that his parents divorce was probably caused by both parties not just his father (who I suspect has NPD) he was so angry with me I was scared. Since then I have always tried to avoid strong conflict. I also became isolated as my husband didn't like some of my friends or their partners. I often would see my girlfriends while he was at work instead or weekends.

I felt I always put my husband first. Tried to do things he would like. Especially when he would be depressed or moody. I felt like he didn't notice me or realise the things I was doing for him in the hope that one day he would do them for me.

Early 2015 we became pregnant (one thing I really pushed for and wanted and he agreed although he didn't want children) sadly that pregnancy ended at 14 weeks when we lost our son to Edwards syndrome. I tried really hard to be strong for my husband as it affected us both badly. But he couldn't support me.

Things seemed to start falling apart from here on in. The only couple we spent a lot of time with was my husbands best friend and his wife. His wife has a similar personality disorder so it was a safe place for me where I didn't have to hide my husbands behaviour or moods or apologise for them. His best friend supported me a lot. In dealing with my husbands longer bouts of depression.

Late 2015 we realised we had had feelings for each other for a long time. He decided to leave his wife. He couldn't maintain their 15 year marriage anymore.

At the same time I found out I was pregnant. Although the affair was not physical and went on for 2 weeks I told my husband. I though a baby was a good reason to try to make the marriage work.

I found it very difficult to carry on with out the support I had from the man I had fallen in love with. I did and have had some contact (email and phone calls) with him. He still loves me and wants to have a life with me. But respects my decision to stay for the baby.

I understand this must be difficult for my husband to deal with. I have been trying for a year to make my marriage work and I feel like no matter how hard I try I am doing it wrong some how.

During the pregnancy my husband moved out of our room for 2 months. Then the week before I was due to have the baby he went away for a week with work. When he came back I realised he had been seeing someone for the last two months. He admitted it to me but that it hasn't gone further than kissing. He also said he had contemplated suicide and that he had a noose in the boot of his car. He also said it was only because of the affair that he had done this and that it was my fault.

He has started smoking cigars which he normally hates smoking of any kind. He doesn't hide the cigars from me but won't smoke them in front of me.

He also wouldn't talk to anyone about any of the things above so I felt I couldn't either. It was damaging in the end tho so I talked to an older friend who felt that their might be more to my husbands behaviour than I thought.

I honestly thought it was my fault the way he was. That I wasn't trying hard enough and that his behaviour was a reasonable response to the emotional affair I had had.

I'm so unsure of how things really are now and what my own personal thoughts and opinions are. I've hidden so much from family and friends that I don't think anyone else Would believe me.

I've recently told my husband I want to separate. And that I'm really concerned about his behaviour and would like him to get help especially regarding suicidal thoughts.

He told me he was in a disassociative state when he did those things and it was because of medication he was on. That I was manipulating him and it was all my fault.

Then the next week he tells me he has being seeing a psychiatrist but didn't want to tell me. That he thought he had NPD. But that he couldn't be diagnosed. I questioned him about the psychiatrist. Then he changed it to a psychologist. I'm not even sure if its happened now.

Separating has given me some distance to see things clearer. But some days I'm wondering if I'm making things up? He really isn't horrible all the time. And some things I have done are wrong. But I just don't know how our marriage can work?

Does this make sense to anyone ?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Synonym-

And Welcome!

Does this make sense to anyone ?

Yes, in that nonsensical way of personality disorders.  You've had and have a lot going on, thank you for sharing it with us.  You are separated although you sound unsure of the status of your marriage and what you want, which is understandable and completely fine; there's an Undecided board on this site as well, along with Saving and Improving boards, and this is the Detaching board, meaning you want it to be over; you don't have to decide yet, just know there is a home for you here somewhere, as you work through that full plate of yours.  Best thing you can do is read a lot of posts, articles and workshops here, and post as much as you need to, and you'll make connections with folks who have been there and understand, and you won't feel alone.

How are you feeling emotionally right now?

[Synonym]

Thanks fromheeltoheal,

Emotionally, I'm better now than I have been in a while. The separation has given me some breathing space to think a bit clearer.

I am ready to accept I can't make my marriage work. But that it's not all my fault and I haven't failed at life.

My husband has always maintained that he wants us to stay together. His words and behaviour have often made me feel confused as to why he wants this. But I understand better now that he's often acting on his own pain and what he most wants (to never be abandoned) is so overwhelming to him.

I'm learning to see him differently. I just struggle now to see what is the disorder and what is just someone's normal personality flaws. It's tricky.

I'm loving the posts. Even tho everyone's significant BPD has different behaviours it's interesting to see the similar reactions/feelings from carers.

[lovenature]

His words and behaviour have often made me feel confused as to why he wants this.

Hey Syn, a PWBPD commonly says one thing and does another; they have various defences that all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment. The saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away.

Being in one of these relationships is so confusing and hurtful because it goes against what we have always known about basic human behaviour. Keep reading and learning, post when you like, you are among people here who understand.